Where we last left off is not necessarily where I’ll begin.
Let’s talk about elbows to the face, workplace love, and rhythm. --And not necessarily in that order.
Being a TV production freelancer is not as glamorous as you might think, but as I’ve said before, it’s full of dynamic people, crazy hours, and funny stories. Plus, I learned how to be brave here, in the soil of this field. I truly do love it, or shall I say certain aspects of it (the freedom, the performances, working with some of my closest friends, etc.)—but I’m sure you can say the same about your current vocation, that is-- if you enjoy it...
Side note: Go and do something—rather, work at something you enjoy, something you genuinely have an interest in. Pursue it. See where it leads. It will transform your idea of work. It’s not always about knowing the full endgame but at least giving space to a true igniting point. With that said, with each new job or new opportunity you take, begin to recognize your strengths and your weaknesses. And understand that it truly does take a team to realize a dream. #clichébuttrue
Anyhow, you have a clearer idea of my workplace atmosphere. It’s not all HBO all the time, but it’s definitely not the Disney Channel. And only one time in over 10 years, can I honestly recall having ever *seriously considered dating someone that I work with. Now don’t get me wrong, I work with some beautiful folks. I mean, talented, brilliant, incredible men--In front of and behind the camera.
But to me, there’s something about getting involved romantically with a co-worker that seems messy or complicated. Nevertheless, I have co-workers that have somehow successfully navigated the dating terrain in our workplace. But I have far more co-workers that have failed at this.
Plus, ya’ll know how much of a romantic I am. I’d want to make out with my boo at almost any chance I got. Okay, maybe not at every chance, but having someone I’m dating, at work would be incredibly distracting for me.
But then again, dating someone in my field would be convenient. They’d understand my schedule—knowing that I might not properly talk to them for days at a time, or text them back in a timely manner, or be too worn out for small talk at the end of the day …..and they’d know that I need a ridiculous amount of “me time” after any given show. They wouldn’t necessarily take offense. They’d just “get it”.
Ok. Look. I’m beating around the bush here…Yeah, so the real reason why I even bring this up is because for the 2nd time in almost 10 years I considered possibly, maybe, almost, might have, coulda-woulda dated one of my co-workers.
If you are one of my co-workers reading this now:
Number 1: Thank you. You’re too kind.
Number 2: Let’s never talk about this again in public. Ever.
But when you see your prototype in close proximity, your heart starts to do things.
And so does your mind.
Meaning, all the “what-if’s” begin…
And I sifted through this for a while, probably since my last blog post.
Licking my wounds from a previous broken heart, I was already vulnerable.
But kindness comes to me in so many different forms.
And I try to acknowledge it when it does.
Is this kindness meant to be a door or a window?
Am I meant to walk through? Or am I merely meant to look and see the hope ahead and beyond?
In this particular case, and with this co-worker, it was the latter.
And I’m quite okay with that.
In fact I’m grateful.
Because in all my “what if” scenarios, in my gut, I knew that I wasn’t the person to truly make him happy. It was this feeling of, “I’m not what you need--But really though.” And that’s okay. Now, whoa-whoa-whoa. Before you send out the intervention email chains for my self-esteem, let me explain.
It’s not that I don’t feel that I’m amazing and have an incredibly rich life full of love already. Because I do feel hashtag blessed and beautiful—not to mention being grateful for such funny, inspiring family and friends.
It’s a bit of the opposite. Because I feel a sense of contentment, I don’t feel the need to put someone in an emotional chokehold. (“Minez. Minez. Minez.”) who doesn’t show an interest or an investment in my life, especially if I’ve expressed intentional interest in theirs.
So instead of door…we have before us a window.
Allowing me to see that there are still amazing, wonderful, kind, intelligent men out there. My prototype still exists. I’m not delusional.
And although he didn’t pursue me romantically, our work relationship is still in tact. In fact flourishing. And the grounds of our work friendship are proving to be rich.
And in the case of romantic work relationships, I hear that work friendships often last longer…So there’s that.
And note. If you are one of my male co-workers, and you think this was about you. You’re probably right. *Big Awkward Wink”
So moving on, I have a new crush.
But really… are you surprised.
How did he get my attention?
You guessed it.
Oh, and his maverick dance moves.
But I’m treading slowly.
Like realllllly slowly.
Like almost as slow as time got when I got elbowed in the face during a dance. Oh wait, that happened twice.
Not on purpose mind you. It was just one of those things. But it made me crack up. Because the week prior I had elbowed some lovely guy in the face while he was spinning me.
Learning a new dancer’s rhythm and language when partner dancing is something else. It usually takes me 5 or so dances with the same guy before I can properly ‘hear’ and respond to his particular rhythm, movement, and the way in which he interprets music with his body.
But I think that’s what we all want. To be in sync with someone. To be understood with minimal use of words.
A true sense of belonging.
And on some level, I think that’s what I feel when I dance with someone. I feel a sense of belonging.
Like I fit.
I fit somewhere that makes sense in a particular space of time that is captured within the music playing.
When you feel as though you belong. You feel as though you’ll be taken care of, looked out for, not left abandoned and on your own.
Those are some of the questions and feelings you might battle when you lose an opportunity of high value, a job, or a loved one. I know I've faced those emotions with the passing of my father.
And yet, God has restored and renewed a different sense of belonging and security for my heart and in my life.
There are still many more beautiful moments to be lived.
The best is yet to come, my darling. I still believe that for us.
Even with the occasional elbows to the face, I’m still listening for the music, leaning in, and letting Him continue to lead me in the Big Dance.
Don’t worry. You’ll find your rhythm yet.