Trust

It's show day. I'm in the midst of a bustling production office. Big security guards are roaming the office as we speak. Big names are roaming the venue. Inside stars.

But my mind is on other matters. You probably can guess. Read a majority of my other blog posts to figure out what causes my heart to come alive.

And now, I dream some. I remember the One I have given my heart to and I trust that my dreams and desires have not gone unnoticed. I'm going to take a breather from this fun-filled entertainment night and look at something bigger than me. Outside stars.

I Thought I Was in Love, Until You Opened Your Mouth

     It's amazing to me the worlds our minds create when it comes to people and their character. Case and point: You can see a picture of beautiful person in a magazine and imagine that they sound like some sort of radio personality, with a sincere and solid, welcome hand shake, maybe even a hug if you're lucky, likes to go sailing, is a painter and a musician, tends to their garden and still has time to help foster children and feed homeless people downtown.

     Almost perfection. What an idea. What an image. Could we be in love with anything less?

     We have a hard time differentiating media adverts and its propaganda desires with our real heart's cries and hopes.

     I've been hearing people toss around the word love lately like it's going out of style. Not that I have a problem with the word love, it's just, when you use something without any sort of real thought or discernment it inevitably looses its weight and essence.

     Yes, I know that you know this already.

     But I've found recently, that I (and many of you) are not quite sure how to fall in love. We've been so enamored with the idea of love and the idea of certain people that we aren't quite sure how to let our guard down smoothly and safely.

     Don't look at me like I'm the only one.

     But there is no safe way of letting your guard down--either you do, or you don't.

     As we grow up and continue to do so, we are realizing that love is a lot more messy than one would first expect. But mostly, love is full of surprises. And that is one of my favorite characteristics of love. I am no longer drawn in by my own make-shift idea of a person, I am willing to become as real as possible in order for me to see the true person in front of me.

     So instead of me aimed and ready to judge the next possible suitor, I look intently into his eyes and listen closely between the lines. Perhaps you're not as stupid as I once thought. Perhaps I was simply impatient. No, I was right the first time.

     Nevertheless, I don't hold bitterness in my back pocket. Instead, I chuckle to myself. I think of this long and arduous love journey that has allowed me great freedom as a single woman and a great appreciator of romance, and I still hope against hope. I still believe that my one great earthly love is yet to be lived. I still believe, that I no longer have to hide. I still believe that I am beautiful. I still believe in falling...in love. And that still means something to me.

     Yes, everyday, I fall in love in different ways. Sometimes I wish it were for keeps, but then, someone opens there mouth completely, and then I'm glad it wasn't.

     The essence of love and the fight therein, brings us to a sweet humility. We long to taste the truth of everything making sense, all without our control. What rest that is for our weary and busy souls. No more climbing, no more pretending, no more striving. Just being.

     No longer practicing the art of acquiring love, but maintaining love. The fight is more like a dance. The music in true form, is time itself.

     Yes, one day, I will open my mouth, and he will get to sing into it..."Could you be loved...and be loved...and be loved...and be loved."

Would You Rather...

A once great philosopher said, "You can either be funny or you can be cool..."--Tracy Morgan.

I'd rather be funny.


But why? As I sit in a small make-shift home office/storage closet, I quickly see the humor. I'm done trying to be cool or trying to prove something. But maybe, I'm not. On the insecure radar, (which starts at 1 and goes to -10) I'm feeling a bit like -5. Not quite depressed, but enough to want to eat a couple of bars of chocolate. Somehow, tonight, I don't feel like quite enough. Although...in my mind, I process the complete opposite--"You're amazing champ". Yes, I'm a bit of a looney tune.

The quest to be cool, is much like the quest of significance and fame. It can be counter intuitive--Like the man who says he's full of humility. You and your creativity want to be seen and truly known by many, with fame. But the more fame one attains, the more estranged one can become to real and meaningful relationships and truthful interpretations of their creativity.

We all long for significance, but we also long to be remembered--A bit of legacy, if you will. For now, we may have a bit of significance, but will we truly be remembered? Relationships help to foster legacy and remembrance...The notion: "I need you to honestly remind me of who I am, when the days come that I would forget." These authentic relationship would be the ones to tell the world of who you really were and the impact you've had on their lives. And we're back to this whole idea of relationships, friendships, and community. I'm reminded of how important they are, but alas, I'm in a room by myself and I want to do a bit more self-examining.

So maybe, me trying to be funny, is me trying to be cool. Yeah, that's probably the more honest assessment. So it looks like I'm right back to where I started--Unsure and a bit insecure, but I'm pretty sure I want to be funny. It's much easier for me to do, plus it probably makes me sound more humble.

Da' Best

I wonder about the best.
It seems to be ever elusive.
I mean, each year, or even each week, it seems to get a bit ethereal...
More "Best" if you will.
The news and the media let me know continually of what is potentially better.
But I'm more interested in what is best.
Too controversial.
I guess so.
But my heart is stirred once again.
This could be the best I ever had.
But tomorrow will be sure to let me know if otherwise.

Look At Her Pirate's Tooth

There's usually a few things about our own appearance that makes us feel self conscious; causes us to not want to take pictures at a certain angle, or have people tag our photos on Facebook. It's that thing that makes us feel like we stand out from the crowd, and not in the "I feel like a celebrity" sort of way.

Okay, I'm going to be vulnerable with you. I have a pirate's tooth. If you know me, maybe you've noticed. But I doubt it. In many ways it's so inconsequential, but it feels as if it throws my whole being out of whack.

I feel as if I've lost somehow in the beauty relay race because of this apparent imperfection. I mean, who will marry me with a pirate's tooth?

I know, you're already trying to visualize what my pirate's tooth looks like, so I'll go ahead and help you. My left front tooth is slightly lower by a millimeter or so than the left front tooth. Yes, maybe even a centimeter! Ahhh!

I woke up this morning, staring at myself--no, staring at my tooth in the mirror. I actually Googled last night, "Free braces". I was so bugged by my tooth yesterday and this morning, that I felt if I could fix it, then everything else in my life would be perfect.

Isn't that just how we perceive things. As if peace of mind and true self worth and honor come simply by appearance. Yes, appearance is many times a reflection of what's going on internally, but it is by no means the full road to peace and beauty. And it would be a blatant prejudice for us to believe so.

This week, I was thinking about all of the amazing single people that I know, both men and women. Are they still single because they are flawed? Too short, too heavy, too tall, too weird....

But we are all flawed. But yet, we choose to love each other in the midst of our imperfections and in the midst of imperfect circumstances. That's where love appears to flourish...When and where we least deserve it.

Will we be brave enough to love ourselves wholly and authentically in the midst of our growing and being?

I hope so.


Many people have apparent physical handicaps, but most of us are able to hide or mask ours. What are we so afraid of?

And yet, we were Loved passionately and eternally-- I believe, before we were even born.

It truly takes such strength and courage to love and to love well. Especially to love ourselves without vanity, but with humility-- And that is something that I'm learning to do, in the midst of my pervasive pirate's tooth.

Am I not yet still lovely? Am I not yet still worthy? Am I not yet still desirable? Am I not yet still real?

A reflection of those questions lead me to something very real, something that I can begin to live out. It's difficult on my part, but I choose to say yes. And my hope, like many of yours, is that there would be voices in the shadows and valleys of life, confirming love all around me, all around us.

Could you love me, in my physical and emotional imperfections? Could I love you, in your physical and emotional imperfections? May these question soon and very soon turn into answers truly lived out in love.











So today, I guess I'll stop Googling for free braces.

But if you know of a guy, that's cheap...