And in one moment I’m having thee greatest revelation of love I've ever experienced, and the next moment I’m in tears of unrest and confusion.
Do you ever look back? Do you ever think that Egypt was better than an unseen promise? Because, in fact, you don’t have a grid for what you are suppose to expect or how to even expect it. You’re just told, “Expect It.”
Okay. Cool. Thanks. Got it.
Nope. Um. Don’t got it.
I’m in the process of leaving Los Angeles, and I feel as though I’m slowly and effortlessly losing my mind. Like today, I’m getting on a plane, and it’s beautifully cloudy outside and I dream of living in a world of Kyle Finn Dempsey photos:
Can that even be real life?
Curated of course. But still real.
But in December, I move. It’s the “In-between” move before trying my hand at Texas. I’m going home. Back to my hometown. Maybe for a few months, maybe for a few years. But I heard in my spirit that I was suppose to go and “stay”.
*Looks dazed and confused*
Hmm. God, how is that suppose to work? I thought I was moving to Texas in the beginning of 2018. But in true journey fashion, the road is a bit more curvy than first anticipated. And I thought I was okay with that…until I wasn’t.
I’m leaving comfort and a routine for the unknown once again. It feels good in the deepest parts of my bones. And then it feels annoying at the top part of my forehead.
But let’s scratch the surface a little bit deeper.
Years ago, I was once told by a sweet older parishioner after church…”Sometimes you just need a good shag.” Her New Zealand bluntness made me laugh.
(You’d be surprised the things people tell me— before, during and after church.)
Her words also sounded very similar to a prayer of mine to God.
“LORD. I just need SEX. Like now now. ”
Oddly enough, when God and I talk about sex, He’s never panicked or disgusted. I mean--He is, in fact, the author of it.
But instead, there’s a sense of a calm resolve and sweet patience as I rant and rave to Him.
And then I let Him talk to me about intimacy. The goal, the journey, the highs and the lows—and how it’s not just about sex, but does include sex, but also how beautiful it all can be.
And then I log back into the promise.
It’s weird to know what you think you need, but are delaying gratification for.
A promise of something better than Egypt…
I just think I want someone to hold my hand through this particular threshold—a physical hand—a man-hand.
I want someone to be kind to me as I lose my mind.
Anytime I find myself majorly sexually frustrated, it’s usually connected to a deeper sense of intimacy. A lack or a bankrupt chasm in my ability to get still and listen.
It’s not so much about a sensation of an orgasm being craved, as it is being held and known.
And yet, it is about touch and tenderness. But wrestling with how those very tactile elements translate in an ethereal, weighted and meaningful way.
The friction in my heart comes from the idea, that deep down inside, I somehow think that I am being tricked.
Like God has no problem being nice to you, and making all your dreams come true, but I’m in one long extended test, because I’m stubborn and a handful and just slightly weird, among other things.
Also, I’ve had like 3 intense Instagram crushes since I’ve written you last. And I’ve been a bit desperate to be noticed. And they’ve all just been sooo cute. Someone from my past, someone from my present, and someone who could be in my future, but no one is sliding into my DMs (for my older readers: Instagram’s “Direct Message” - It’s like an answering machine—no like a written telegram, but on social media and you can leave messages with strangers. It’s amazing and weird and beautiful, and apparently people get married after “sliding into those DM’s”…)
And I’m like, do ANY of YOUS want to date me and kiss me? And WHY THE HECK NOT?
So yeah, I think I need to wean myself off social media in the next few months. Because, clearly it’s bringing out the best in me.
But let’s go back to a few paragraphs ago—I feel like I might be getting tricked. Let’s explore that Patrice.
Why do you think you would be tricked?
Because in the past, when I believed that a guy liked me, I embarrassed myself and got the signals wrong. Time and time again. We are talking over a decade of experience here.
Or when I thought the season and the time had come for me to start a family had arrived, but proved illusive and seemingly passed me by.
And when I thought a boy hated my guts in college, it turns out he was so in love with me, he didn’t know how to act around me. See…#TRICKED
But let’s go deeper. So you feel that God is untrustworthy?
Um. Yes. No?
Not necessarily all the way untrustworthy, but definitely Jehovah Sneaky. Like—“Oh, I didn’t see that coming…” Or, “Oh, that’s what you meant when you said I’d be incredibly rich….like rich in love…Oh. Okay. Cool……………”
But do you believe that God gives *good gifts?
I used to believe that.
I guess I still do. But that belief feels faint.
I haven’t practiced my place of belief.
I just got that revelation as I was writing this to you.
“Practicing my place of Belief.”
I’ve let my circumstances magnify my limitations, giving me a full time job (with extreme overtime), of trying to figure everything out—the how, the who, the when, etc.
But my only job and posture as I walk out of Egypt is to Believe.
To Believe that God is Good, that He is Kind, and that He gives good gifts to us personally.
And in the beautiful weight of those highlights, choosing to align my life with those Truths daily.
With that revelation, my inner posture shifts.
I should be chillin like Sleeping Beauty. But instead, I’m more like Half-Napping Beauty, getting up in a panic every 14 minutes or opening one eye ever so slowly every 3 minutes.
In any event, I’ve been counting time, instead of enjoying restful countenance and Presence.
Of a Good God that can be known and experienced.
And a Good Life that can weather the fiercest of storms.
Because now I’m remembering, as I peak my head slowly up from this dusty valley…
God promised us is that He is forever present and absolutely trustworthy --amid our current frustrations and insecurities (especially so), and as He gives us strength and joy in the unchartered landscape of adventure and dreams -- He alone will always prove to be the peak to every mountain we ever hope to climb.
“Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me.
In My Father’s house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way where I am going.” Thomas *said to Him, “Lord, we do not know where You are going, how do we know the way?”
Jesus *said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me."
- John 14:1-6