Stalling

     “You gotta keep growing, honey…”

     My mother, thousands of miles away, still knew how to say the right things.

     I was ugly crying on a FaceTime call with my mom in the parking lot of the 99 Cents Store.

     It had all been coming to a head.

     I had been wrestling with the idea of Comfort vs. Purpose.

     Everyone claims that they are after a life of security and comfort, but I don’t think that’s true. I think everyone is searching for purpose--the way in which they are meant to give their life away to someone and to something bigger than themselves.

     But that thought is so counter to our culture.

     Because you are supposed to go after yours, and chase things and money; and I’m suppose to be in a separate corner doing the same thing. Which we are told will lead to a life of great comfort and satisfaction. And there we are, in our separate corners of the world, alone. Together.

     Together alone.

     But each of us knows folks in higher circles than our own who have the desired life of riches and comfort, and yet they lack the motivation and joy to get out of bed in the morning. And depression doesn’t merely hover, but is their lifestyle and language. All the things of security prove themselves as things, merely lifeless without connection to something truly meaningful.

     The things in our lives should tell stories.

     And these stories should reflect who we are and how we love.

     These things should remind us to stay humble.

     Because things can always be taken away.

     But mostly, things will never be the sustainer of our joy and peace, but can enhance the love and the stories you are already telling. Without the ingredients of love, things begin to own us, circumstances deplete our sense of identity, and we feel barren inside.

     So I continued to wrestle with this concept of comfort vs. purpose. But in all honesty, it was rhetorical, because I already knew the answer to the question I was *not asking.

     What am I made for?

     Just comfort? Or Purpose?

     I never knew a brave and inspirational soul becoming the essence of those attributes, because they chose to stay comfortable, or play it safe. No instead, they were risk takers, faith leapers, waterfall jumpers.

     And I feel most at home (and nervous) in their company.

     So for the last year, I’ve been mulling over with God a possible move. A move that would cause me to be uprooted, but could be the making of me.

     But God knows that I’m a turtle.

     Like, I need an idea dropped in my heart. Then I need to think and pray about, then a few days or weeks later, I’ll write about. Then I’ll pray about it some more. I’ll talk to some friends about it. I’ll daydream about. Talk to some more trusted friends about it. And then lay it down. Forget about it. And then 10 months later, I’ll start crying, because in my heart, I know that my whole world is about to be turned upside down.

     Big change is coming.

     I’m all for taking incredible risks with God.

     Note, “With God”.

     For me that includes, “Following my peace”.

     That sense of…”Mmm, this feels right, I don’t know why…but it feels life-giving, hopeful, and promising. Even when there are no guarantees…”

     But if I feel in my gut, “stranger danger”. I’m not going to make a rash move. No matter how good it looks on paper.

     “You want something fulfilling…” She says.

     My mom said it before I could even finish my words. But I didn’t need to.

     She nailed it.

     Because living in purpose brings your heart comfort.

     Funny how when you stop chasing the wrong thing, the right stuff finds you.

     Because over the weekend, I sent in my first (of possibly many) job application to an out of state company.

     I literally woke up saying this on Saturday morning:

     “Pray for Victoria. Now. And send your resume. Right now.”

     Honestly, I was still half asleep. I wasn’t quite sure if I was talking to myself or if I was delusional. But these two seemingly ‘random’ thoughts came out of the blue. I wasn’t thinking about either prior to going to bed or even during the week. But I followed my peace.

     I prayed.

     Went to the website.

     And sent my resume and completed application.

     I looked at my computer screen confused.

     Um. What just happened?

     But for the first time in months, I felt as though I could breath.

     Coming back to a sense of risk, adventure and more importantly—purpose.

     I’ve been thinking of teenagers a lot, and how much I adore them, and how over half of my life has been dedicated to loving them, praying with them, comforting them, crying with them, and dreaming with them.

     And no matter where I go, I’ll always make time to pour into their lives. I wonder what that might look like in the future? But there will be a future…

     And then I think of all the beautiful single women (and men) who have had the hardest year of their lives, and you just want to curl up in ball and forget about life. But I can’t wait to hear of the ‘praise reports’, in the months and years to come. Because you may be in your own personal Winter, but Summer will come for you. Just prepare your heart.

     Because for every person that reads my blog and shares this journey with me, you better believe I’m holding you close in my heart and in my prayers.

     But you have to keep growing.

     Or else you become stagnant.

     And then you’ll simply chase after comfort to appease the sense of wanting security, or for things to go back to the way they were.

     But we cannot remain in or duplicate the past or get stalled in the present. But rather, we can wholeheartedly embrace with open hearts and gratitude those moments in our lives-- validating both the present and the past.

     Of which the stories in our personal lives—both the defeats and victories, serve as our new and sturdy foundation--like that of beautiful, thick and sturdy marble flooring, as we look to our 100 mile-high ceiling in our life’s mansion.

     There is much more in store for you, you just need to look up.

Photo of The Abbey Church of Saint Peter and Saint Paul taken by Stephen Inglis

     Will you choose comfort or purpose?

     The trick is…one leads to the other. And one cancels out the other. #riddles

     So I’m going to surrender to this process.

     And I’m going to expectantly wait to see what doors God will open.

     And which doors He will shut.

     But what I do know, is that there is no room for stalling.

     I don’t want to hinder purpose or love.

     And some of the best things in our lives are there because we chose to step out of our comfort zone.

     What an incredible thought.

     Speaking of stalling and “out of my comfort zone”. I know you got half way down this post, and thought, “Yo, what’s up with Mr. Man Crush Person? That’s what we really want to know about.” I don’t blame you. I wanna know too. Ha!

     But I haven’t heard anything from him. Sooooooo…

     Yeah.

     That’s our update for now. And perhaps that’s an answer in and of itself.

     Yes. Not what I was hoping for. But I made a new friend. Sooo. Yay?

     Meanwhile, I’m trying to keep my heart open in general. Because, like, what if I meet someone at the grocery store or at a baseball game? I have friends that have gotten married on such premises. So, it’s not out of the realm of possibility, for any of us.

     But of course, I like when the odds seem impossible.

     I’m like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber…

 ”What are my chances?”

“Not good.”

“You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?”

“I’d say more like one out of a million.”

“[long pause while he processes what he's heard] So you're telling me there's a chance. YEAH!”

     Yep. That pretty much sums me up.

     Optimistic until the bitter end.

     Mr. Man Crush Person seems incredibly interesting to me. And I’d love to understand how he came to be—why he is who he--his journey thus far.

     There is still space there. There is an open space for my crush to occupy.

     If he wants to enter into my crazy life, he’s more than welcomed to.

     But perhaps he’s already occupied. We never discussed anything other than some surface level things. Maybe I’m overstepping boundaries. And maybe he’s already committed to someone. And if so, I graciously bow out. Hashtag Not-a-homewrecker.

     However, I have to surrender it all, or I find myself obsessing in the mystery of it. You know how we do. All the daydreams. All the what-ifs.

     So yes, I’m still riding this crush out.

     Even if it’s to the undesired end.

     Meanwhile, I’m trying to get my life together.

     Which this week means: Lots of tears, prayers, and no more stalling.

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.”

-- Isaiah 40:31 (AMP)

Blog Extra: 

Link: https://youtu.be/KX5jNnDMfxA

Uncrushed

     I’ve been so incredibly impressed by you all--

     Especially in this season of life, where I see so many of my friends stepping out in faith.

     I have a good friend who just went on an almost-month-long trip overseas by herself, to simply explore and live. Not to mention, she’s a kick butt career woman and one of the most creative folks I know.

     I have another beautiful friend who, after another fake date, told her good friend of many years, Mr. Man, that she was ready for more.

     So brave.

     Then there’s my tenacious friend who in all her nervousness and tears stood up to her tyrannical boss and found her voice. Unleashing a new found boldness and a cry for justice. And ultimately she gained the freedom and purpose she was so desperately looking for.

     And then I have another friend, who is an extraordinary dancer, who after almost a decade of dancing with the same dance (and romantic) partner, is now finding her own steps again--Or rather, her own dance inspiration again. And what a beautiful story her life is telling now.

     I’m in awe at the way in which you all choose to step forward, in the midst of the pain, the defeat, and the ongoing battle.

     Something that is seemingly meant to crush us. But doesn’t.

     It somehow makes us more of who we are meant to be.

     If we let it.

     I often want to push against discomfort and disappointment.

     Like, “La-la-la-la, I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re all fine. Isn’t this just FINE. Great. Perfect. Let’s be just FINE together. And ignore the bleeding coming out of my emotional forehead.”

     But ignoring things doesn’t make them better.

     Nor does staring at a boiling pot of water make it boil faster.

     Point being.

     You have to learn how to still live and dance in the moments of the crush.

     And watching you all in your bravery around me, is showing me how to do just that.

     You may think no one is watching, but we are.

     And you’re teaching us something profound with your actions and your attitudes.

     Life or death.

     Faith or fear.

     Love or Indifference.

     And then I get little winks from heaven.

     Do you know what I mean?

     When you feel that God sees you, and gets you, and you have your own private inside joke or secret between you and heaven.

     I’ll let you in on one of mine:

     Remember my blog post, “Genesis” back in February of this year?

     I was devastated and heartbroken---and I randomly went off on a tangent, like I always do, but I happened to mention the movie “Baby Boom”, starring Diane Keaton. And how this movie encompassed my previous hopes and dreams for love and career in the midst of me facing utter defeat. For some reason, I had been reconnecting with that movie for the last 8 or so months. I didn’t quite know why—I just did.

     Fast forward to the beginning of June of this year, just a few weeks ago—and I happen to work on a show strictly honoring Diane Keaton (!!!), see clips of Baby Boom and hear the Baby Boom theme song throughout my time working on this show. Oh… and I meet her.

     UM. WHAT.

     This is what I mean, when I say “winks from heaven”.

     Seemingly random. But not.

     A little big statement that spoke to my heart. That I’m seen and my heart’s desires are valid. Even in the big scheme of things.

     Do you feel me?

     Also, in case you’re curious, these “winks from heaven” are not just for me, they’re for you as well. It’s just a matter of seeing.

     So funny, I mentioned a variety of things in my last blog post, but what I got asked about the most was, “Soooo….Who is this new crush??”

     I feel so honored.

     You’re just as invested as I am now. Ha!

     But thank you. Truly.

     However, you’ve been warned.

     As you know, crushes often have a way of coming back around and crushing you.

     But you and I have each other.

     So we’ll just have to ride this one out.

     I almost hesitate to give voice to the fact that I do have a legitimate crush.

     My track record of having a crush has pretty much always ended in defeat. We are talking 0 for 100 here. Consistent—if anything else.

     But there is something to be learned and gained by each passing crush—attributes that I come to admire, or traits that I realize I would never want to live with. So to all my past crushes, I thank you. Sincerely I do.

     You’ve helped me to realize what I really want, and what I really… do not want.

     This is huge.

     So thank you for those lessons.

     But now I’m a bit restless.

     I admired my crush from afar, and I was hoping once I got closer, he would have atrocious breath or sound like Mickey Mouse.

     Or worse he would ‘show me’ who he really was within first ten minutes of our conversation, and prove to be a fraud or a jerk.

     But nope.

     His life-filled eyes piercing my soul deep in conversation only brought me comfort.

     And I kept thinking…I just want to remember this moment as it is. I just want to soak up every nano second and molecule of this moment in time. Because it felt so peaceful and honest. And not full of pretense.

     But in my mind, I still looked at him with one eye closed.

     As most of you know, I was bamboozled at the beginning of this year, by a man almost ready to sweep me off my feet…until the truth of who he was, was radically exposed. With that said, I’m still a bit leery when it comes to attentive and kind men.

     Which if you think about it, is a horrible thing to say and feel.

     I mean, when someone is being kind and attentive to me in person, I’m now a bit suspicious. Ugh. I know. So dumb.

     So I tried to cut our conversation short.

     It was really a self-preservation tactic.

     I didn’t want to risk or face being disappointed or worse—me disappointing him in some sort of way. So I wanted to freeze-frame that moment as it was.

     Sweet, cordial, sa--

     And before I could think about it, words just flew out of my mouth. “Wanna dance?”

     I’m sorry. What Patrice? What did you just let fly out of your mouth??

     Can we reverse that?

     Oh wait, this isn’t DVR, this is real life. I sometimes get it confused nowadays.

     He looked a little nervous when I asked, and I felt as though I had already jumped off the cliff.

     But there we were.

     He led.

     And I followed.

     And then we danced.

     I honestly cannot remember anything of the dance itself, or the second dance, because it all felt so surreal. I was dancing with someone I had admired from afar for months. And it felt oddly familiar.

     Back when I first saw him, months ago, I honestly never thought I’d see him again. Like ever.

     But I did.

     And here we are.

     He’s kind.

     Much kinder than I expected.

     But it’s just a crush everyone.

     I know very little about him. 

     To note: I prefer crushes that live either out of the country or out of the state. (We can analyze this later) – and staying true to form, this crush lives nowhere near me.

     Will we see each other again?

     Perhaps.

     It’s all very loose and unconfirmed.

     And more importantly, he’s not really tryna holla at me. I think he’s giving me the “bro vibe” if anything-- *insert eye rolls*

     So maybe at some point during the summer there may be another meet n’ greet.

     But nothing fully concrete or pursued on his end.

     And as you know, I’m old school.

     I prefer a bit of pursuit and a healthy amount of intention when it comes to a man I’m interested in.

     And if I don’t feel a sense of pursuit or intention, I tend to take that as, you are willing for another man to date me and swoop me up, because you’re not interested yourself.

     Fair enough.

     But it’s always the space in between.

     The waiting and the unrest. The crushing.

     It could be as simple as me asking him what he thinks about all this romance business. But I don’t think my heart is ready for that step just yet.

     So we’ll just ride this out.

     Moment by moment.

     But somehow, I’ll let this be the making of me.

     I’ll choose to not be bitter no matter what the outcome.

     And inevitably I’ll learn something new.

     I’ll choose to remain grateful.

     Grateful that my heart is still resilient.

     That my heart still chooses to hope and believe.

     And more importantly, that my heart still chooses to be open to love.

     To the man that is my current crush:

     Thank you.

     You are teaching me far more than you’ll ever know.

     And to all you other brave souls out there, in the midst of a battle, heartache, or disappointment, just remember, this year is still laced with beautiful promises yet to be fulfilled.

    There are good, good things waiting for you to behold—people, places, and things, all for you to see and grasp with your hands.

     I know this in my bones, because God is a good, good Father.

     Just keep looking out for those winks from heaven to spur you on forward.

     Knowing that with God, you are never alone.

     This year will not crush us, but rather, will cause us to rise like never before.

     Because goodness and mercy are following us all the days of our lives.

     Yes. Goodness and mercy are following you all the days of your life.

     I love you.

     Love well.

     Now go and be brave.

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“I was in a daze, movin' in the wrong direction

Feelin' that I'd always be the lonely one

Then I saw your face, on the edge of my horizon

Whisperin' that I wasn't the only one

The lonely one [...]

Not the only one

I'm not the only one…”

--“Not the Only One” – Bonnie Raitt (written by Paul Brady)

Video Link: https://youtu.be/Gw8wJQi05Ws

Elbows to the Face, Workplace Love, and Rhythm

    Where we last left off is not necessarily where I’ll begin.

     Let’s talk about elbows to the face, workplace love, and rhythm. --And not necessarily in that order.

     Being a TV production freelancer is not as glamorous as you might think, but as I’ve said before, it’s full of dynamic people, crazy hours, and funny stories.  Plus, I learned how to be brave here, in the soil of this field. I truly do love it, or shall I say certain aspects of it (the freedom, the performances, working with some of my closest friends, etc.)—but I’m sure you can say the same about your current vocation, that is-- if you enjoy it...

     Side note: Go and do something—rather, work at something you enjoy, something you genuinely have an interest in. Pursue it. See where it leads. It will transform your idea of work. It’s not always about knowing the full endgame but at least giving space to a true igniting point. With that said, with each new job or new opportunity you take, begin to recognize your strengths and your weaknesses. And understand that it truly does take a team to realize a dream. #clichébuttrue

     Anyhow, you have a clearer idea of my workplace atmosphere. It’s not all HBO all the time, but it’s definitely not the Disney Channel. And only one time in over 10 years, can I honestly recall having ever *seriously considered dating someone that I work with. Now don’t get me wrong, I work with some beautiful folks. I mean, talented, brilliant, incredible men--In front of and behind the camera.

     But to me, there’s something about getting involved romantically with a co-worker that seems messy or complicated. Nevertheless, I have co-workers that have somehow successfully navigated the dating terrain in our workplace. But I have far more co-workers that have failed at this.

     Plus, ya’ll know how much of a romantic I am. I’d want to make out with my boo at almost any chance I got.  Okay, maybe not at every chance, but having someone I’m dating, at work would be incredibly distracting for me.

     But then again, dating someone in my field would be convenient. They’d understand my schedule—knowing that I might not properly talk to them for days at a time, or text them back in a timely manner, or be too worn out for small talk at the end of the day …..and they’d know that I need a ridiculous amount of “me time” after any given show. They wouldn’t necessarily take offense. They’d just “get it”.

     Ok. Look. I’m beating around the bush here…Yeah, so the real reason why I even bring this up is because for the 2nd time in almost 10 years I considered possibly, maybe, almost, might have, coulda-woulda dated one of my co-workers.

     Pause.

     If you are one of my co-workers reading this now:

     Number 1: Thank you. You’re too kind.

     Number 2: Let’s never talk about this again in public. Ever.

     But when you see your prototype in close proximity, your heart starts to do things.

     And so does your mind.

     Meaning, all the “what-if’s” begin…

     And I sifted through this for a while, probably since my last blog post.

     Licking my wounds from a previous broken heart, I was already vulnerable.

     But kindness comes to me in so many different forms.

     And I try to acknowledge it when it does.

     Is this kindness meant to be a door or a window?

     Am I meant to walk through? Or am I merely meant to look and see the hope ahead and beyond?

     In this particular case, and with this co-worker, it was the latter.

     And I’m quite okay with that.

     In fact I’m grateful.

     Because in all my “what if” scenarios, in my gut, I knew that I wasn’t the person to truly make him happy.  It was this feeling of, “I’m not what you need--But really though.” And that’s okay.  Now, whoa-whoa-whoa. Before you send out the intervention email chains for my self-esteem, let me explain.

     It’s not that I don’t feel that I’m amazing and have an incredibly rich life full of love already.  Because I do feel hashtag blessed and beautiful—not to mention being grateful for such funny, inspiring family and friends.

     It’s a bit of the opposite. Because I feel a sense of contentment, I don’t feel the need to put someone in an emotional chokehold. (“Minez. Minez. Minez.”) who doesn’t show an interest or an investment in my life, especially if I’ve expressed intentional interest in theirs.

     So instead of door…we have before us a window.

     Allowing me to see that there are still amazing, wonderful, kind, intelligent men out there. My prototype still exists. I’m not delusional.

     And although he didn’t pursue me romantically, our work relationship is still in tact. In fact flourishing. And the grounds of our work friendship are proving to be rich.

     And in the case of romantic work relationships, I hear that work friendships often last longer…So there’s that.

     And note. If you are one of my male co-workers, and you think this was about you. You’re probably right. *Big Awkward Wink”

     So moving on, I have a new crush.

     But really… are you surprised.

     How did he get my attention?

     You guessed it.

     Kindness.

     Oh, and his maverick dance moves.

     But I’m treading slowly.

     Like realllllly slowly.

     Like almost as slow as time got when I got elbowed in the face during a dance. Oh wait, that happened twice.

     Not on purpose mind you. It was just one of those things. But it made me crack up. Because the week prior I had elbowed some lovely guy in the face while he was spinning me.

     Learning a new dancer’s rhythm and language when partner dancing is something else. It usually takes me 5 or so dances with the same guy before I can properly ‘hear’ and respond to his particular rhythm, movement, and the way in which he interprets music with his body.

     But I think that’s what we all want. To be in sync with someone. To be understood with minimal use of words.

     A true sense of belonging.

     And on some level, I think that’s what I feel when I dance with someone. I feel a sense of belonging.

     Like I fit.

     I fit somewhere that makes sense in a particular space of time that is captured within the music playing.

     When you feel as though you belong. You feel as though you’ll be taken care of, looked out for, not left abandoned and on your own.

     Those are some of the questions and feelings you might battle when you lose an opportunity of high value, a job, or a loved one. I know I've faced those emotions with the passing of my father.

     And yet, God has restored and renewed a different sense of belonging and security for my heart and in my life.

     There are still many more beautiful moments to be lived.

     The best is yet to come, my darling. I still believe that for us.

     Even with the occasional elbows to the face, I’m still listening for the music, leaning in, and letting Him continue to lead me in the Big Dance.

Wisdom’s Knocking:

Don’t worry. You’ll find your rhythm yet.

Soft

     Within the last few weeks, I feel as though my perspective of people, or more specifically my perception of relationships has been drastically altered, as well as the narratives that we connect to romance.

     Since my last blog post, I’ve been encountered by folks on both sides of the party lines. The group that is disillusioned and tired by romance and most definitely indifferent if not completely turned off by marriage vs. The group that is full steam ahead with all things romance and ready for marriage at the drop of a hat.

     The words of intended encouragement from both camps were given through their particular filter and I was left with a great deal to ponder.

     Meanwhile…

     Ever since I can remember, I’ve always ascribed to the motto, “You never know what people do behind closed doors.” But wow. The truth of that phrase is hitting home in a surprisingly fresh way.

     The narrative of which we are told or often sold -- not only by media, but also by our peers, is rarely ever the full story.

     And even though I’ve spent years being a youth pastor and hearing the wildest stories imaginable, my heart still breaks to hear when one of my admired counterparts has an unraveling of sorts. The secrets are exposed and we are all left wide-eyed.

     And such was the case in these last few weeks. Relationships and marriages that I held in such high esteem began to come crumbling down.

     And although I was wide-eyed, I wasn’t completely surprised.

     Isn’t that crazy?

     Because somehow I knew---but I didn’t know---but I knew…

     Because in our gut or as I like to say, our Holy Spirit meter, we can feel when something is off—isn’t quite matching up.  Pay attention to that. Please.

     After I wrote my last blog post, “Genesis” – my ghoster so conveniently texted me, once he “got back into town”.

     I didn’t feel the need to respond. I was still wrestling with my wounds and heartbreak. I wanted to punch him and kiss him all at the same time.

     So any type of quick response would have been confused and disingenuous.

     Because the fact remained, I couldn’t fall all the way in love. And I knew it. I knew it in my gut.

     There’s a point where you have to weigh the attraction, charisma, swag, etc. against the character they are showing you.

     Because as you know,  “When someone shows you who they are believe them…” **

     Days later, I bumped into my ghoster at the place I normally dance at.

     He acted weird. I acted weird. We talked to try and clear the air. He tried to play the role of boyfriend for about 45 minutes (Forehead kisses, etc…) but I declined.

     I would later find out from a guy friend of mine that my ghoster was found practically making out with my friend’s date at another dance club…..just the night before.

     Okay. What?

     Oh, and previously unknown to me, my ghoster is still technically married…

     Umm, well that escalated quickly.

     And of course, gave me all the answers I needed.

     When I later confronted my ghoster, he slammed back with the worst kind of defense, and admitted his own guilt.

     “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

     I had painted a picture of a narrative in my head of which I was rooting for ‘us’---but he was clearly not rooting for me.  But instead, my ghoster was setting me up for failure.

     I felt embarrassed and played--ambushed and now somehow left like an orphan with my own heart to deal with.

     I wanted to will my seared pride and broken heart to wholeness just days after this all erupted. But as you know, it doesn’t quite work like that.

     I was frustrated with myself and the situation.

     And I stewed in my own mix of sour emotions for weeks.

     It was hard to not give into the temptation of numbness. Or the cyclical “why” question.

     But my desire for healing and the ability to move on and grow in a healthy way, continued to persist.

     I shared my heartache with trusted mentors and they gave me invaluable insight and wisdom. Confirming what I had felt in my gut all along: That the quick exposure of my ghoster’s character was in fact, protection for me-- albeit painful.

     In the end, saving me from being caught up or stuck in a false narrative for 20+ years.  Instead, my faux romance unraveled in less than a month.

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good…” – Genesis 15:20

     And on a Sunday morning, three incredible women of prayer that I admire and love in my church took the time to pray for me, cover me, release healing over me, and stir up hope.

     God bless the broken road…

     It’s so hard to not become brittle.

     Heartbreak, no matter how long or short the relationship, is brutal--don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. And Disappointment, it’s cousin, is also a kicker.

     If you’ve felt like I have--that God has somehow let you down, or that you can’t believe in good things happening to you, just know: It’s not the end of the story.

     Our God is good.

     He truly is a good Father.

     I know from personal experience.

     And I’m banking on His track record of faithfulness to me.

     And I know He can do the same for you.

     My last post reflected on ‘beginnings’ and their often messy nature.

     But what I’m learning about my current season of life is that it is much like an ‘Exodus’- a coming out of and into something unfamiliar, miraculous, and  extraordinary.

     Showing me that my beloved and long awaited promised land is that much closer…

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water.

And that's the tragedy of living.”

―Iain Thomas/pleasefindthis, “I Wrote This For You”

**Credit: Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” (emphasis mine) 

Genesis

     No season seems to be quite the same in life.

     Yes, there seems to always be a Winter, a Spring, a Summer, and a Fall. But have you noticed, in all its expectation; these seasons are never quite the same.  Said season is never a cookie cutter clone of it’s past year predecessor. There’s always just a little bit more rain…or less. Or more snow…or less….or more storms or less than the years before.

     There’s something innate even in the formula of seasons that require change and a sense of flexibility---a molding of our expectations.

     But yet, there’s a comfort in knowing that there is a season change, even though we might not know what it is meant to fully look like, we can grasp the basic outline of it.

     And for those of us, constantly looking to the future this can be a comfort, but if we rely on this outline of a season solely, it can turn into a trick of sorts.

     Our walk in life is meant to be a walk of faith. And whether you believe you are a person of faith or not, you are exercising faith by simply turning your phone on or stepping into your car--Believing that it will simply turn on…and it will yield a specific result. You don’t know for certain, as much as you’d like to rely on its intense technology, but you walk in a level of faith.

     We live with expectations.

     For ourselves and for other people.

     And yet, a sense of compassion is also needed towards ourselves and others when we are traversing through our life seasons and expectations.

     At the beginning of this year, I felt renewed.

     I had just finished an impromptu trip to Texas to spend time with God and myself and to get answers.

     I got answers, just not the ones I was hoping for.

     No one in Texas asked me to marry them, and God whispered to my heart that my journey in California was not yet done.

     I came back home resolved. And content. Like really content.

     Like maybe I-don’t-need-a-man-ever content.

     I still loved the idea of marriage, but I was pretty much tempered by it.

     I wasn’t depressed at all. I felt at ease.

     While others cheered from the sidelines, “YOUR MAN IS COMING, YOUR MAN IS COMING!” with pom poms and sirens, I simply smiled and nodded.

     He didn’t need to come anymore.

     If you’ve read my blog for more than a year, this may sound like devastating news. But it was truly freeing.

     I mean, I enjoyed and admired beautiful couples. And I appreciated beautiful men in life, but I just didn't feel compelled to possess them or belong to them in any sort of way.

     Sometimes, only you and God know how much you’ve put your own heart through. And after the year I had last year, I just wanted to give my heart a breather.

     And so this year started with a new sense of groundedness and clarity.

     I didn’t really share this with anyone—the fact that I had finally resigned to the idea of being married and forever being a Cinderella sans the prince and ever going to the ball.

     Plus I’m a do-er, I’m a bit of an A-type personality. So I know how to throw myself into work and ‘accomplishing’ things. 

     And somehow, my family is proud of me most when I’m working and accomplishing career goals, and not so much on the romance front. I think they like the idea of me having a baby, having a partner in life, but there a sense of greater pride in being a career woman.

     Because there’s always time for romance later, was what I was told in jr. high, high school, college, in my twenties---and now it’s later…

     Have you seen the movie “Baby Boom”.

     I need you to--like now.

     Here’s the preview: https://youtu.be/I8T6WgQoNvs

     I always wanted both.  The “Baby Boom” life—career and love. But now….it’s all a jumble.  Summer has yielded some strange snow.

     Okay. Sorry. I went off on a tangent.

     So in mid-January, on a Sunday, I felt a cool breeze of peace go past my heart and soul.

     And I thought to myself, “Okay, I can do this, 2017. I can be single. I can *not be kissed again for the 16th year in a row. I can *not have sex…..because I’m already a unicorn anyway (Oh, and not the type of “unicorn” mentioned in an episode of “Chewing Gum”—I’m definitely not THAT type of unicorn……#nothreesomes)

     So like I said, I had this revelation and pep talk with myself. But it felt oddly genuine and completely peaceful.

     And then I went to church, and I still felt great.

     And then later that day, what has become my weekly Sunday practice over the last year, I danced my little heart out at my favorite country line dancing joint.  And I noticed someone new there. And he noticed me.

    And it was instant chemistry.

     Don’t think I’ve experienced anything so fast, so strong, so tender, and so peaceful in all my life.

     And I left that Sunday thinking, “Well that was nice. But he’s probably married, hates church, or is not into ladies….”

     But I thought about him all week, and I couldn’t wait to get back the next Sunday to see if he would appear.

     And he did appear. And we danced again. And he asked for my number. And I actually gave it to him.

     All the while, feeling no pressure and absolutely peaceful about the whole ordeal.

     That week, he and I had an impromptu date—my first date in over 5 years. #truestory --And per my preference for a first date, I didn’t know it was an actual date until it was done. So I felt no weird nervousness or pressure. It was just something natural that happened after we finished dancing for the night (by the way, in a public place – because let’s be wise girls…).

     And then I began my interrogation.

     Because I don’t want to get murdered by a psycho. And I never hang out with men that I don’t know, or that I don’t have mutual friends with.

     Even if I did feel peace, I needed answers.

     And he gave me answers. More answers than I knew what to do with.

     Definitely not the answers that I was ready to hear.

     (In case you’re wondering,  he’s not married, loves Jesus, and is straight.)

     And so I had a lot to digest that night—a lot to pray about.

     Meanwhile, the next day I danced again, and he decided to meet me there. Which then, unintentionally became our second date. And remember that chemistry I told you guys about—so yeah, it’s practically fire at this point.

     But I hold firm to my, I will-not-kiss-you-and-make-a-baby-on-night-two rule.

     But daaaag, it was difficult to not. Like very difficult.

     Remember, I’ve practically been a nun the entire run of this blog being in existence…so my affection tank is basically depleted at this point. Lord knows, I am readaaaaaay to make a baby. But alas, I waited.

     And in the midst of it all, I felt peace—I felt as if I had already known him somehow, and I felt as though I somehow knew what the outcome of us would be.

     I know it’s crazy to say , “Love at first sight”, because it really wasn’t that…it was more like “Love at first peace…..” Or maybe rather strong affection….In any case, it felt very real to my heart.  Very real.

     Someone mistook us for husband and wife while we were on this second date, and we both felt oddly at ease with the mishap.

     And I left that night, thinking, wow, this might just be it. It feels so easy and so effortless. Now, I understand what everyone was talking about!

     And I immediately texted all my friends and my mom.

     There was excitement and elation—there was also concern and fear.

     Because prior, I had also shared with them, all the answers I was still digesting about him. His messy past and his unclear present situation.

     Wisdom told me to consider the story he was playing out before me.

     Because as much as chemistry would love to rule the day, character will guide the story, and will always have the final say.

     So I needed to see his character.

     And within a week, there were discrepancies—and he never returned my phone calls, texts, or messages.

     I knew that he traveled internationally for work and leisure, but this was unexplained and odd.

     It was as if he never existed.

     Or perhaps had another life…

     And my heart began to shatter.

     My vulnerability snatched for consumption and then discarded.

     In all my preparing for 2017, I had not prepared for this. Not one bit.

     I didn’t prepare for snow in Summer.

     I had been “Ghosted” as the kids call it.

     And throughout the course of this past weekend, I cried and cried and cried and cried.

     I’m not cut out for dating. I don’t know how you all do it.

     I simply wanted tenderness.

     I simply wanted my man, my husband, not a counterfeit, not another one…

     Contrary to popular family belief, my heart has been open to love and marriage since 1996. Since I’ve been praying for my future children. But perhaps it’s too painful for my family to see that I don’t find my promises being fulfilled through work and career, but rather in having a partner in life.

     And that’s okay to say.

     I actually love what I get to do for a living.  But it’s not my life force. And now, its come to the point, where I want to share and need to share my days and life with a lover. Maybe that makes sense to you, maybe that doesn’t. But that’s where my heart is tonight.

     If you couldn’t tell….I’m in dire need of tenderness today. The type of tenderness that work and a career can never yield.

     Let me go somewhere and breathe for a moment.

     Ok. I’ve wiped away some more tears, and I can finally see my computer screen again.

     You know what else is a bit unpredictable and messy?

     Beginnings.

     Seriously though.

     Since the beginning of January I’ve been re-reading the book of Genesis. And I’ve actually been surprised this time around. I was actually a bit/a lot grossed out by it. I mean, have you read it….like past the creation story, and into the first family…..and Abraham….Isaac….and Jacob. Like what -- Liars….cheats….murderers…..adulterers….incest….what is going on here?? And this is our grand and glorious beginning?? Full of mess?

     And yet, one of the major themes and promises left to us in the book of Genesis is redemption. A coming redemption.

     God in His beauty and love doesn’t abandon this complicated and messy beginning. He enters it and makes a way for the mess to become beautiful. It’s not just a hope, it’s God’s promise and His covenant.

     How will my love story play out? I have no idea. You may have ideas of how it will play out, but I’m quite sure it won’t fully play out that way either.

     Because you see, true beginnings in their very nature, are a disruption.  An inciting incident. A noticeable interruption of the current status quo. A violent breaking forth. Like a baby being born, with blood and fluid gushing out. And yet, it is a glorious beginning nonetheless.

     And so the groundhog has seen his shadow, in 2017….

     And this feels oddly like repetition.

     It almost felt as though spring would appear early, but alas, winter will last just a bit longer.

     How much longer? Not quite sure, but seasons always change.

     They always do.

     And there’s always a new beginning ahead. And redemption is always on His mind.

     But to be clear, for your heart and mine, this new beginning will most likely not come packaged in the way or in the circumstance that you expected it to.

     But I do know, it will be every bit as meaningful, valuable, and purposeful --if not more, than what you've ever imagined.

     For it is the kindness of God to give us new beginnings.

Wisdom’s Knocking: 

“When someone you love says goodbye

you can stare long and hard at the door they closed

and forget to see all the doors God has open in front of you.” 

- Shannon L. Alder