I’ve wanted to belong to someone as long as I can remember.
I wanted someone to be proud to call me theirs. And I wanted to be proud to call them mine.
I’ve had a pretty healthy family of origin life – not perfect but pretty darn good. And I grew up with a steady amount of close, fun and kind friendships.
Faith in God – Being familiar and knowing Jesus has always been a part of my entire life story. I felt like I had a steady foundation at such an early age. Something that anchored me and shaped my personality and heart.
And yet, no one had to convince me about romance. It just made sense. I always knew I wanted to be married. To make babies. To have a partner in crime.
But then last year something was cracked open.
It’s taken me almost a year to wrap my heart and mind around the experience of being chosen as an official California Stagecoach Country Music Festival Line Dancer last year.
It wasn’t really a prize I was trying to win.
Plus prior, I think I disqualified myself because of my age and lack of belief in something good happening that also felt so good and easy to me.
I didn’t think good things – good surprises could still happen to me. But they did.
In the midst of pain.
As you may know, I was nursing heartache and disappointment last year.
The clock had been ticking and reminding me that the promise and hope that I believed God had for me in regards to marriage and a family had still not happened.
I had cried, prayed, fasted, believed, and hoped.
And nothing had happened.
Same words, different faces over the last 20 years, telling me how amazing I was and how my man was just around the corner, and that my man was also waiting for me to not try so hard to look for him…but he was also not ready, but I was also not ready… but we were also both SO ready…and it was TIME, and I might meet him through online dating, or through a friend, but probably at the grocery store or I might meet him in a way we all could never think of if we all prayed hard enough or if I put myself out there more or simply trusted God’s timing.
“The course of true love never did run smooth.”
For some reason, this is the only line from Shakespeare that I always remember (and I was an English major in college!) But it’s been ringing all throughout my mind and body these last couple of weeks.
Today is the day after…
The day after I have gotten yet another soft rejection.
I spent the last 3 weeks talking to one of the kindest men I have ever known.
His intentionality – his ability to listen to me and truly hear my heart without judgement and sincere empathy healed a part of my heart that I didn’t know needed healing.
I felt seen.
“…you’ve been a breath of fresh air… I think you’re an amazing person and a wonderful Christian with a great personality that is especially wonderful to pray with…”
I knowww. He hit me with the “great personality” – Ha! *I’m also slightly crying*
But what really became the rift between us moving from potential lovers to now cordial friends, was my age and the reality that I may not be able to have babies soon. A desire I’ve wanted my ENTIRE life, but I may not actually get to experience – which feels utterly heartbreaking to write that to you.
However, I knew going into this connection, with this sweet man 10 years younger than me, that he strongly desired to have kids. And I stated up front to him, I just didn’t know if my body would be able to give us both that gift. I wept on an audio message to him that first week we met and he held such tender space for me on our next phone call.
He wasn’t trying to fix me or the situation, but I knew he was contemplating. Meanwhile, he endeavored to learn everything about me and my story. He still showed me kindness with his actions and that I was worth his time and I felt the same towards him.
Adding to the fact that we both had crazy work schedules, life schedules, and we were long distance and also trying to figure out if we were actually going in the same direction in life and faith, was quite the unconventional and inconvenient journey.
Meeting new humans out of context is so hard.
But he loved God, was kind, cute to me, did country boy thangs, served at his local church and knew how to pray.
It was easy peasy in my mind.
Let’s get married TODAY, SIR.
But that wasn’t reality.
Just barely 3 months after one of the deepest dating heartbreaks I’ve experienced to date, I get hit with that phrase and sentiment I’ve heard so often in my teen and young adult life.
You’re amazing... As a friend.
No longer a romantic and robust woman full of desire, I feel somehow reduced to being a neuter. No longer safely pursued to be kissed but given a handshake and a high five as a consolation.
When you get tired of waiting. You get tired of waiting.
I reached out to a few trusted friends yesterday and just wept.
A common question I get asked by men either on dating apps, social media, at work, or social settings:
How are you still single? And how have you not had sex yet??
If that last remark is news to you – click here to get the full backstory.
In essence, yes – I’ve also asked the question… WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
When I first started talking to this kind man I’ve been referencing in this post, he was so perplexed by the fact that I had not had many long-term relationships. And he was also mesmerized by my self-control regarding my own body. Trust me, I’m the most surprised out of anyone regarding my own sexual ethic and self-control. Seriously. (I mean at this point, it is truly and oddly supernatural…)
To date, I’ve only had one 6-month romantic relationship (which ended traumatically) and that was over 20 years ago.
That statistic can be both intriguing and scary for a man to hear.
All along, I thought it would be considered as only a gift to the man who would get to spend this short lifetime with me.
But really, the question remains…
Is she a crazy psycho?
What’s really her deal??
How have I bobbed and weaved a serious dating relationship up until this point?
Like many of my other sisters in the Faith: Long-term church crushes on boys and later men that led to nowhere, staying “just friends” with guys that I could have easily married over a decade ago, making dating so “high-stakes” that I was too fearful to even say yes to a real date until my late 30s.
And my favorite…believing that finding my person and getting married would “just happen” at the right time while I kept pursuing my exciting life – just like how I got an incredibly fun, creative job, education, and found a church home. Which of course, all involved some sort of effort and participation on my part. Of which all of those things hold profound weight in my life story – just like I believe marriage will as well.
But then wallah, here I am at 45. Still single.
Feeling like a teenager. Still not knowing all the rules.
I’ve spent large amounts of money on counselors, courses and coaches to help me identify my own blind spots and to prepare me for a grand, healthy, meaningful and deep love story full of legacy and full of God’s heart.
And yet, the men I find or that find me are not truly ready for an epic love story.
They say they want one, but after week 3 are not willing to put in the work, effort, or time.
Or they can’t “see” me.
Or we don’t truly vibe.
Or they simply do not have the emotional capability because they’ve been so hurt that their own heart is semi-shut down and they don’t even realize it.
And yet, they parade themselves on a dating app, country dance bar, or church service as ready for a true love story and partnership that would make the angels look down in awe and wonder.
And yet the cycle continues.
There is no belonging there. There is no commitment there. There is only window shopping.
When do we finally come together?
When does the tide finally change?
There seems to be more isolation these days and less connection on the romantic front or maybe it’s just me…
(And sidenote: My prayer these days is telling God that I actually don’t want to grow up to become a 72 year old-escort… see here for context — althoughhhh, I do understand the appeal…)
*sighs* Yes. I’m deeply sad and hurt today.
But yes, I still very much believe in love.
DEEPLY.
Heck, someone just fell in love and got married while you were reading this post.
It wasn’t me though.
At least not yet.
So what actually cracked open for me at Stagecoach last year?
Belonging.
I was seen. And I was present.
I simply showed up and did what I loved to do: dance…& truly settled into being my most authentic Patrice, the one I believe God dreamed up all along.
God put me on the specific dance team that He knew I absolutely needed (without interference of my great admin or “controlling skills”).
Because on that dance team and in that space, I was cared for, thought about, preferred, talked to, prayed for, accepted, included, loved on, fed, considered, cheered on, complimented, protected, supported, hugged, was told I looked beautiful, encouraged, laughed with, given space, and looked after.
That’s really what my heart wants.
When I fall in love with a man, it will not be because I’m tired or I’ve given up. It will be because I feel utterly seen with a deep, rich sense of belonging.
I made up this little acronym a few days ago:
C.A.S.
Cherished
Adored
Seen
I want to feel those things…And perhaps even more importantly, I want to feel all those things towards him as well.
How am I still single?
I think because I don’t want to eat mediocre love no matter how painful the wait has been.
And in this, God knows my heart very well.
Because when I fall in love, it will be forever.
Wisdom’s Knocking:
“When I fall In love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love
In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun
When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart
And the moment
I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love
With you
And the moment
I can feel that
You feel that way too
Is when I fall in love
With you”
~ “When I Fall In Love” – song written by Edward Heyman & Victor Young
Hear more bonuses and behind the scenes for women of faith here.