“I’m not the one to give you TMI on my current relationship status and lack of sexual experience…
Nor am I the one to share the ups and downs…the joys and defeats… the ugly cries and very real grown desires of being a single Christian woman working in the entertainment industry… among some of the hottest folks in front of and behind the camera….”
Yeah, I’m not the one to share all those details…..
…Said Patrice…Never…. ;)
So here we go.
I last left you with Mr. Mister.
And my heart aching to truly lean back.
But let me tell you about Mr. Man Dude. He happens to think Mr. Mister is “lame” (A direct quote), and that fact still makes me giggle a little too hard.
Oh. Who’s Mr. Man Dude?.....Well, let’s start from the middle as usual.
So I journaled and cried my eyes out in a prayer room on a cloudy, rainy day in late October of 2020 and 2 weeks later came across a social media advertisement that pretty much had the exact same language of what I wrote in my journal that bittersweet, Autumn day. But this ad didn’t just voice my frustration and questions, it had resilience and solutions – and yes, I was superrrr skeptical of those proposed solutions. SUPER.
Because I had felt disappointed in men…specifically one in particular: Mr. Mister.
And I felt Ugly.
I felt like my own feminine essence was attacked and mocked as I watch Mr. Mister gawk and drool over women I felt that I could never live up to.
And then… when I wasn’t really looking….this ad comes up on my feed…and mentions the word “Feminine Embodiment” – I know, I know. That phrase alone sounds super “Woo-Woo” and on the verge of being semi-politically incorrect…and yet….
Something sparked for me.
And as my M.O. would have it, I followed the clues, which then led me to my current relationship coach and a season of intentional growth, healing, and personal development.
I was returning back home to my own body and beauty.
But to note, in the beginning -- the idea of being relationship coached felt hecka awkward, weird and silly, but I was desperate for change – and for breakthrough.
Plus - we all know the definition of insanity…’Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.’ I had somehow slipped back into my pattern of being the safe “Friend Zone Princess” -- the number 1 friend of handsome dudes, while forfeiting my potential as a dateable, wife-me-up chick. It was time to shed that persona and the baggage I accumulated therein.
Single, emotionally healthy, God-loving men were only seeing me as “Sister Patrice” or “Such a Good Friend & Listener”…but not as girlfriend material or a potential wife.
I had been in this space for almost my entire life. It was safe. Especially in the church.
But last year, I hit a new breaking point. It was time to prayerfully step outside of my safe space once again. Plus…all the good stuff happens when we trust God and step ‘outside of the boat.’
This relationship coaching program wasn’t faith-based and would absolutely be outside of my normal comfort zone…and yet, I felt peace.
In week 1 of being coached, mega shift was beginning to happen in me and with the type of men that were approaching me. And at the same time unhealed wounds and certain beliefs about men, God, and my own safety began to rise to the surface.
I was still afraid of intimacy and vulnerability (and still wrestling with the idea of my own beauty, age, and femininity).
I was looking to a man to make me ‘feel safe’ – when the truth is: Psalm 91 all day, all night. There’s safety in God. The ultimate. But I’ve been dodging and doubting that truth profoundly in my own spiritual life as I see pain or seemingly unanswered prayers.
I know that it may be hard to believe that I have hesitancy and qualms about being vulnerable with a man in real life. Especially since I’ve been writing to you about the inner workings of my personal life for well over a decade now.
But there’s a difference between being vulnerable & transparent.
I’m pretty transparent with you all…
But I also spell check…and edit….and I also read and re-read my posts before I let you see them.
My transparency is often polished.
But Vulnerability.
My Goodness--
That’s a whole other beast. And that’s in real time.
It’s not DVR, pause, replay…
It’s raw and all the way real.
All my insufficiencies and weirdness exposed… and I wrestle with the question, “Would you choose to love me wildly, even still?
And isn’t that what we demand of our love stories? Perfect & unconditional love.
But I am profoundly aware, that the deepest love I give to another, at best, is always in ‘process’.,,
I find, that it’s a love of becoming….
Becoming stronger, becoming more…more true, more solid, more stable.
And there’s only One that I know of who holds the total embodiment of authentic unconditional love with both truth and grace towards every human He encounters. Hi Jesus.
And so we get to lean into His strength, insight, and love.
There’s no fear in His company.
So what am I so afraid of?
Not the same things I was before.
I’m practicing being held by the One who holds the universe.
Being held feels like something tangible.
It feels safe.
And so I continued deeper into my relationship coaching homework.
I was invested now and I dove all in.
I still had this lingering whisper of my prophetic word of 2023…(for those that just arrived: I feel like 2023 is significant in my love story…perhaps it's the year I’m married….or meet my man…or perhaps I’ve met him and we recognize each other afresh….either way…..this thought was lingering as I continued to make my way through my coaching.)
There came a point in my coaching homework, where one had to “Step Out and Stop Hiding”.
To not fear being seen.
Isn’t it interesting how we can long to be known but fear being seen? #storyofmylife
But you can only truly be known when you are truly seen. It’s the beginning of the process of knowing. But I get it. Beginnings are hard. And being ‘seen’ is one of the bravest and most vulnerable things one can do.
So while most things were still closed due to the pandemic, I still had no excuse when it came to meeting and connecting with great guys according to my relationship coach….so venturing into online dating it had to be. *rolls eyes very slowly*
I once promised years ago that I would NEVER EVER go back to online dating. That’s just not how I felt my story was meant to go down. Plus, I only came across weirdos. We bless them. But weirdos nonetheless. So yeah…we all know what happens when you say “Never Ever”…
So Boop. There I was.
I got on Hinge…Upward… & Christian Mingle…..I paid where I could…and did the deluxe version of things when available. If you want to meet quality singles, I highly recommend you, “Pay to Play” y’all.
To note, each step of the way… I had my relationship coaching community chime in. I would ask theeee most basic things... What should I put in my bio…What kind of photos? Is this one good? How long should we text for in the app? He did this, is that normal? How do I stay in my femme, relaxed vibe while doing this online dating thing?
Because y’all know how much I love polarity, and I make no qualms about wanting a man that loves God and feels confident and comfortable in his own masculinity. When I come across men like that, it makes me feel like Wonder Woman. It brings out something in my own femininity that feels powerful and strong.
So throughout this online dating season, I was constantly encouraged by my relationship coaching community. And I never felt as though I was doing this all by myself in a big ocean of crazy possibilities. (Which was important for me, because I have little, to no real experience with healthy dating.)
One of my biggest takeaways from my coach revolved around the idea and practice that--
You should actually be having fun in the dating process. If it feels like work, you’re doing it wrong.
And so, this non-dater, Moi… leaned back, and purposed to have fun – to let go of all the “high stakes” and fear.
It was simply about getting to know and enjoy the person in front of me. I didn’t have to prophetically know all the answers and the outcome. I could intensely lean on God and trust Him deeply in the process.
Cut to, a couple months ago, and me having my first date in over 7 years.
SEVEN. YEARS.
And I was more present in my body and in the experience than I had been in a plethora of things in the last several years.
But let me rewind a bit.
Mr. Man Dude was kind, handsome, cheeky, loved God, generous with his compliments and encouragements and openly prayed for me.
He first reached out to me via an online app. We video chatted for weeks. And it felt like being with a sweet friend. He was open and honest and soon vocalized how he wanted to legit take me out on a date.
And I said yes.
I didn’t know how our chemistry would play out in person, but I was game to find out. We both were.
Mr. Man Dude planned everything for our first date, which was already music to my heart.
It felt good to lean back and have someone lean in.
And I can honestly say that it was one of the best first dates, I’ve ever had (to be fair, only my second as an adult…). And yet, I can also say, it lacked the chemistry we were both hoping for.
Now, I know some of my marrieds out there will read that last sentence and insert the tag line, that “Second dates are often better” than the first. Or that they never thought they’d be married to the person they are married to now, but hear me clearly loves, when I say – ‘This is not that story’.
But it still taught me some significant things about God and myself.
And it was still beautiful.
So beautiful.
Do you want to know some things that Mr. Man Dude & my relationship coaching taught me? (This is not an exhaustive list by the way, but simply some of the highlights):
Online dating doesn’t have to be GROSS (Although, it’s still not my preference)
Men know how to pursue
The presence of a good man brings so much more peace into my life
Each date doesn’t have to end in marriage…sex…or even the prospect of a second date if the vibe is not fully there
It’s important to say what you feel – and give space for the other person to do the same
Dating should not feel like work – if it does, you’re doing it wrong (thank you Anna!)
How to relish a good compliment….Contrary to popular belief, I love it when a man comments on what he loves about me, my physical appearance, and/or personality.
There’s still good men out there who know how to be gentle, lead, and do the occasional rescue when needed ….(Can I mention how Mr. Man Dude paid for me to be taken care of when he found out I was stranded in another city and my funds were low….)
Mr. Man Dude showed me a new type of grown man love.
A love that still champions and wishes the best for me, even though we aren’t lovers.
And I never had to do, or prove anything.
I didn’t need to perform.
And that felt so incredibly healing to my heart, my body and my femininity.
How do you hold something in a beautiful space, knowing that it was for a particular time and place alone.
I won’t lie. There’s tension to hold the beauty and the reality that this is not something more.
But it’s taught me a new way to be single.
There’s another level of delight, discovery, and courage to be lived.
And here I was spending so much time hiding.
Feeling unchosen.
Unseen.
Because deep down, I felt shameful and unworthy of affection and attention.
I didn’t feel qualified to step into the waters of dating, because dating was for suckers and for people with no faith. And yet, here I was being led by fear…
Often in the church we merge dating with ‘the relationship’ – but I see dating as the phase of discovery before choosing to actually be in a relationship.
Discernment is still at play--yes. But so is fun and discovery.
——————————-
It’s craziness to me now--to know that God is leading me on an adventure to coach other single women of faith in this arena of romance, relationships, and purpose. (Look out for “The Beautiful Connection Method” – Ahhge!)
But I guess it’s fitting in a way, since all I’ve talked about with you over this last decade, revolves around romance and relationships. And it’s truly the topic I’m most passionate about, next to God.
But you see---now I feel as though I have some bona fide tools to help other beautiful (and perhaps burnt out) souls experience the breakthrough that I’ve tangibly tasted.
Tools Like…..
A good dance playlist is good for the soul and your body and can help unravel un-vocalized tension
What you concentrate on, talk about, scroll through constantly on social media will become the reality you often attract. So start dreaming up your adventurous scenarios and declaring that there are quality men all around you. And don’t forget to follow folks online that are in alignment with where you feel God calling and leading you.
“Men as Mirrors” – This concept was introduced to me by my relationship coach, Anna Rova – where you look at the pattern of men you keep attracting (in friendships & in relationships) and find out where the root lies within your own heart. I find this exercise super helpful when Jesus & prayer is involved.
Learning what unconditional love feels like in your own body, everyday…
As you know, I thought I’d be done with exploring my singleness season, but as it turns out, it’s becoming a bit more fun, adventurous and interesting.
Not simply because I’ve met more quality single guys in the last 6 months than I have in the last 6 years, but because I feel as though I’m coming back home to the real Patrice.
Back to the me that was dreamed up in the heart of God – the girl who rests in joy, sings her food orders, prays passionately for strangers, dreams big dreams, laughs loudly, dances in the streets, enjoys all of her senses, not afraid of passion and desire, believes for the best, graciously and fiercely loves her body, knows that she is enough, wildly loved, profoundly safe, accepts her true beauty at every age, champions the underdogs, forgives, and gives space for her own humanity and the humanity of others.
This.
Not just as an outward show for the crowd or social media or …even him.
But as a deep inward revelation for me to hold -- keeping space to remain courageously soft, wild and free.
And you know what Beloved? This extraordinary space is very real.
So much so, that I can now taste and see…
I can rest and partake in knowing, that there’s a way…
A beautiful way - in which, it’s actually worth learning… how to be single.
Wisdom’s Knocking:
There’s a way of being that feels like home to your bones.
Find that place, live there, and invite others in.
*Bonus Feature: It may be worth noting, I wrote this blog post listening to Jimmie Allen’s “How to Be Single” (as seen below) on repeat for over 3 hours…