I wanted to start writing to you weeks ago and then life. And then life again.
And then finally my cup began to overflow and I wanted you to know some things. And I wanted to find out some things.
Inevitably, anytime I write to you here in this space, I get a revelation of sorts. Of my own heart. My journey – and a bit more of the macro of what God might be doing in my life and the lives of those around me.
I think you’re here and reading this, because we are a bit like kindred spirits.
There’s something in between these words and characters that feels familiar between you and I.
So without more of my wordy fanfare, let’s get into how 2023 is landing for me and in me.
Per usual, I’ll start somewhere in the middle, chase the end, and bring you back to the beginning.
I just got back from Colorado last week, and something about that trip is still reverberating in my body.
I remembered again, how much I love to travel by myself occasionally. Where I get to truly adventure with God and simply see where the days might take us.
I went as an act of celebration, but I also went as a somewhat, defiant declaration.
I wanted to declare to my heart in the midst of all the hurtful setbacks of the last few years that love and adventure are still possible.
That love is not just thought, but action.
I celebrated the marriage of a sweet friend who had waited decades to be a wife. And I got to hear and see up close and personal, the ways in which God tailor-made her love story with her now-husband.
Details that not even the best screenwriter would think to include. Details that would blow your mind and leave you in awe. Details that are more than a coincidence, and almost seem mathematically impossible. Details that only God could do.
I needed to see this partnership. This new marriage. This fresh legacy.
Their marriage is about love. Yes. Of course.
But it’s also clearly about legacy and a bigger story. God’s story.
I wanted to touch and agree to that.
Because that’s one of the aspects of marriage that’s always stirred me: Legacy.
I honestly don’t know how I got so obsessed with the idea of Legacy but I did.
The idea that love could span and effect generations, generations that you may never get to meet – yeah. That.
So to hear of their big dreams of creating an incredible youth camp in Colorado – it hit home for me. Deeply.
And as I drove through Colorado, I couldn’t help but exhale deeply and peacefully.
2023 has been a year I’ve written to you about in many past posts. A year I’ve been anticipating for so long.
And here I was in 2023 feeling stuck, single and in transition again.
Going to Colorado, I knew my heart would be revived and primed for love, but I wasn’t necessarily looking for it.
I simply wanted to “Be” and “Enjoy”.
And since you know me, that involves finding new places to country dance.
And find new places I did.
It’s always refreshing to me, meeting men outside of Southern California.
There is an unhurried attention that they seem to have.
The men I met in Colorado gave me all the direct eye contact a girl could ever want. And they were not stingy with their compliments.
My first night in Colorado, I found this great dance spot (referred by another dance friend of mine from California) and I went by myself, with little expectation to actually get a dance in.
Sometimes as the ‘New Girl’ in town, not many lead dancers ask you to dance, because they’re not sure if you can, want to, or of your dance level.
But at this gem of a place, men simply came up to me, without knowing me or if I could “perform well” and simply asked me to dance.
I was in love.
Just being seemed to be enough.
What a thought.
My new dating coach is constantly challenging me to talk to new guys every week and I was excited to test out this challenge in Colorado.
And so I told the introvert in me to simply have a go. Not to worry about my ego. And to have fun.
So that first night in Colorado I scanned the dancehall and saw a couple of guys that caught my eye, but for whatever reason this tall drink of water piqued my curiosity.
I slowly walked around that country dance bar, hoping to make my way over to him, but I was intercepted multiple times by some very kind gentlemen who asked me to dance. And I was there to dance. So dance I did.
These felt like kind and gentle invitations, nothing abrasive about their asks.
It felt good to be asked, actually.
Especially in a new environment.
I felt like I was truly breaking free of my friend-zone persona in a deeper way and seen as an actual romantic pursuit.
I say this, because a guy friend at church, just a few weeks prior had made a point to end our in-depth conversation by calling me “Sister”.
It was something like, “It was good talking to you, sister.”
And I remember cringing a little bit inside.
I imagine his intent was endearment, but it reminded me of my many years being in church leadership and community and never being asked out on date, because we were all just bros and sisters hanging out.
And here we are with folks in their 30s, 40s, and 50s+ who wanted/want to be married ages ago but haven’t been able to step into romance in the way they were hoping or in some cases fearful of -- or lack the skill to date in healthy, kind, and honoring ways.
But in a new state and a new place, I showed up differently.
I was experienced differently.
I kept looking behind me as folks were giving me the kindest compliments. And these compliments were directed at me.
I was like. I know I’m cute. But DANG y’all. Really? OKAY. But I’m here for it.
And as you may have guessed. Me showing up the way that I did, didn’t happen by accident.
Y’all know the inner heart work I’ve done these last several years and continue to do.
I’m learning how to be at home in my own God-given feminine body and relax into love.
It’s quite gorgeous.
I mean, this process has been as hard as nails at some points along the way. AND it’s also still been deeply beautiful.
Because often, I walk into just about any room and feel Beautiful. And that doesn’t take away from the other beautiful women in the room. But it’s still my own beauty that I get to steward and feel at home in.
All the curves. All the dimples. All the lines.
And what happened to that tall drink of water that I was hoping to talk to that night in Colorado? I never got a chance to say hello or ask if he’d like to be my baby daddy that night.
And now that I think about it. My opening line may have been a bit much. So perhaps it was for the best that we didn’t connect that night.
But I did have another chance meeting with him later and let’s just say, that was unexpected…
But this year is unfolding. As I imagine yours is.
The days just keep coming.
It’s expansive and annoying.
Kind of like, how the sweet guy I met from Idaho on a dating app, who vigorously pursued me, and then quickly stated that he didn’t have the bandwidth and time to actually pursue dating.
He ended his last message to me by saying: “Best of luck my friend!”
Ah. I see. Not quite sister. I’ve now transitioned back to friend.
Progress, maybe?
Mind you, this was before Colorado.
I’m guessing this lovely Mr. Idaho was simply doing his best to be kind. And after 3 days of being annoyed at him and that statement. I came around to being thankful for it.
Because it’s now so much more clear.
Not just to me but to the men who come into my sphere.
They don’t have to pretend with me, but simply be real.
And I get to be real in return.
That Sunday before I flew to Colorado, I had just finished a second date with a kind, gentle soul.
But by that second date, I knew there wasn’t the type of connection that I was hoping for. And I was as kind and clear as I could be about it the following day. He sweetly agreed. And we left on kind terms.
Wow. I learn something new about my heart, God, and men each time I go on a simple date.
Vulnerability, honesty, hopes, and desires are laid on the table. And you can choose to show up or be a persona.
With this Mr. Gentle, a fellow God-lover, he stated that his intention in dating was to leave the person better than he found them. I told him that I was stealing that mantra.
I was never one who knew how to date. I’m very much a late bloomer in that regard. And it’s crazy to me that I’ve actually been on multiple dates this year. More dates this year than I’ve been on in my entire life collectively.
It feels so different when you are not experienced solely as a sister-friend.
But you enter a new garden.
New possibilities.
I was dancing at my local spot last month, and this sweet girl came up to me and said, “I HAVE to know your name! I’ve been calling you ‘Pixar Mom’ this whole time! I tell my friends to look at “Pixar Mom” dancing! You’re my favorite!”
I smiled and giggled with a little confusion.
And I told her my name.
I then proceeded to hug her and thank her for being so kind. And then she sweetly skipped off back into the crowd..
“Pixar Mom”?
I mean. I don’t have kids. But I do have that mom vibe.
What did she mean by that?
Later that night I did a quick Google search and found O’plenty of ‘Pixar Mom’ memes.
I CRACKED UP.
The memes are based on the fact that certain Pixar moms have small waists and noticeable ‘junk in the trunk’.
Or as the kids might say: “A dump truck wagon”….
Well.
Where is the lie?
If you’ve met me in person or seen my dance videos, you may have noticed (or not) but God in His kindness gave me curves and Lucille (Mama) was truly the template for my Pixar shape.
I’ve had this shape since I was about 14.
And I’ve always done my best to hide it. To stay safe and to not bring too much attention to myself.
But that hiding took a toll.
And that’s why coming back home to my body, especially as a Christian woman, has been so important and so healing.
I’ve come to embrace my curves with freedom and a bit of humor.
Not in a braggadocios sort of way.
But simply with ease, reverence and joy.
I’m grateful for this strong body of mine. Doing things at my age that I never dreamed I could.
And I know that in my own vulnerability I’m still safe with God.
That’s such a wild revelation I’m living in right now.
Being vulnerable and safe.
And here we are.
Back at the beginning.
I knew we’d get here.
There’s more in store.
Because with each new beginning, a middle is around the corner. And a season is preparing to shift us once more.
I still have big dreams for 2023.
Dreams of falling in love.
Dancing wildly.
Praying fiercely for those I love.
Seeing God move in the hearts of those I teach, mentor, and coach.
And perhaps find a reason to go back to Colorado or perhaps more of Colorado might come to me.
I feel like I’m blooming again.
And it’s gentle, soft and slow.
I am a sister.
I am a friend.
I am a ‘Pixar Mom’.
But the one thing I’m remembering most right now.
Is that…
I am loved.
Wisdom’s Knocking:
“We love because he first loved us.”