“Do I love you because you're beautiful, or are you beautiful because I love you?”
― Richard Rodgers, Rodgers & Hammerstein's Cinderella
Photo Credit: Kawika Drummond
We're both on the same page. My friend and I. We've both shared a similar faux romance journey basically all of 2012. Her story is different than mine. But so much the same.
When your friend, who is a girl, seems to be sad around you more than normal for no reason, and you do your do-diligence by asking what's wrong...and she says, "Nothing." Please don't think that was the truth.
And if you assume that she's just tired, you'd still be wrong.
The fact is, she's in love with you and you haven't gotten a clue.
And the wrestling of her emotions is getting the best of her.
My friend and I with our respective potentials, thought we were headed towards magic, something real. And then death after death began to engulf us.
I didn't want to go down without a fight.
The weight of my own heart got the best of me.
And I did something I never recommend doing. Ever. Simply because it takes away a part of the pursuit of the man--of which my heart craves.
But nevertheless...I spilled the beans.
For some reason, I felt I had to risk it. If you must know, the dream is still gnawing at me and I can't seem to let it go. And in my present knowledge I don't know of anyone else that could fill the outline of what my heart saw that one October night in the land of my dreams.
So, I told him how I felt and subsequently how I knew he wasn't ready for my heart. I simply wanted him to know what had really been going on with my heart all summer long.
Nothing to really write home about. In fact, there was no final and definite response, which is more disappointing than a heartfelt, "No, I don't feel the same way about you...let's just be friends..." But I have to guess that his lack of response, to me pouring out my heart is his response.
And in attempt to honor my own heart, I've distanced my self from him. Healing of my ego and heart has to occur and subsequently, I want to be ready for the one who is meant for me and is unashamedly and with confidence ready to choose me without hesitation.
Is it too much to ask for someone to be brave?...To be vulnerable....kind...adventurous...open...and honest? Yes, these attributes don't usually just happen...but instead are the product of intentionality. Of which I hope I'm growing more and more in.
So what will happen with him and I? Only God knows. Truly. But this all may simply become a distant memory or the foundation of something I needed to finally learn.
2012 has been full of surprises for me...not necessarily the good kind. People that are thought were meant for each other and would be together forever are parting ways. And I've wept with more friends this year than ever before.
But in all of this, I haven't forgotten what I really want. What makes my heart come alive. Love and it's beauty.
The thing about beauty is that it's so tender...so fragile. A beautiful face can be easily ruined with one slice or burn. A beautiful painting can be dropped and destroyed, so on and so forth.
These things that we consider beautiful cause us to come alive and we look for them, we pursue them. When things present themselves as potential beauty, we start to get butterflies.
And then we plan a way and a means to capture this beauty, to behold it as our own forever. But sometimes that beauty is not just for us, but for others.
The thing about beauty is that it's fragile and is often best held with open hands. Because as soon as you close your hands, you are most likely to crush it.
And what about my beautiful friend? How is she doing now? After walking out all of 2012 in patience and hope, wanting to embrace the love of her life, only to be ousted by another girl at the last minute, someone she feels she could never be, someone who he is now proclaiming to be in love with and wants to marry.
And now beauty seems to have left her hands...
Yes. She's heartbroken. Crushed. Disappointed and confused by all the previous signals he gave. But she's choosing strength in tenderness. And I know, because of this, beauty is sure to return to her hands.
To love is no easy task--it's not for cowards and for those with commitment issues. And it's definitely more helpful if you have a sense of humor.
Because mature love is for those that are willing to get back up again, everyday...
With open hands--ready to receive something fragile and beautiful...once again.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross