Photo Credit: Paris Garbowsky
It's no secret. I still have feelings for him.
I played for one of my best friends, a voice message that I left him not too long ago.
"Wow, you sound so nervous..." She calmly says.
"I know." I reply. "I just don't know how to be. And it's so frustrating to me."
You see, I am both irritated and oddly drawn to him.
I think I was in absolute denial about how my heart truly felt, until after I wrote,"Bang, Bang, Boom". I mean, didn't you already sense, through my veil of jealousy, that I was falling...falling... a little bit in love?
Ugh. Such bad timing.
I've walked out friendship with many a male counterparts like this before. It's dangerous ground. There seems to be hidden mines in the fields at every turn. And as life would have it, I somehow step on almost every single one, feeling the jolt of having a heart ripped in two in a variety of tortuous ways.
And so I hesitate.
And at the same time I move forward.
Until recently, when I end up hitting my head smack into a glass wall of sorts.
Wait. I thought it was all clearly labeled ahead. I thought we determined what we were getting into, a clearer road ahead with no obvious trickery.
Oh, that glass wall isn't yours? It's mine?
And then, I look closer. Sketched on this glass wall, that I've recently hit, is the phrase, "Trust Issues."
Not this again.
Haven't we gone over this, God, like a trillion times?
And then I get humbled.
"But you've never let Me shatter this wall, completely. Instead, you simply punch your way through, bloody your hands, and think that you've gained victory. But the remaining shards of glass now stick to your hands, leaving you more injured and deceived into thinking that you've actually dealt with and moved passed this Trust Issues wall. But you haven't yet. Because now the pieces of glass are with you wherever you go."
There so much I'm afraid of in this season.
I'm afraid of putting my heart and intentions out there, only to be rejected.
I'm afraid that I'll never finish my screenplay.
I'm afraid that Justin Timberlake's album won't be as good as his hit single, "Suit & Tie."
I'm afraid that I'll never be held like a woman should be held.
I'm afraid that I'll never have sex.
I'm afraid that I'll get accustomed to promises not being fulfilled.
I'm afraid of not being the perfect everything for someone.
I'm afraid of seeing my parents age.
I'm afraid of becoming forgotten.
And therein lies the pieces of glass that make up the "Trust Issues" wall.
I realize I'm a lot more insecure and jealous than I had once perceived. But I'm convinced more than ever, that's not who I am meant to be.
And like a gentle surgeon, God is carefully removing the shards of glass from my life, from my hands, from my heart.
And he says, like such a sweet Papa, "It's going to be okay. But you must let Me do this for you."
As odd as it sounds, I'm in awe and shock that God desires to do something for me.
You mean, I don't have to beg and plead? I don't have to perform or do a tap dance? You want to do this for me, simply because you love me?
It's interesting the contrast of how God heals us vs. when we try and heal ourselves.
The difference is truly night and day.
In this season, as certain areas of my heart are getting healed, I am absolutely confident that God is with me. The pain is very real, but His presence is just as real.
I'm learning more and more, that the opposite of love is not hate, but fear.
And fear causes us to act irrationally and empties our soul of the ability to trust, leaving only shards and remnants of what love once felt like to us.
But tonight, I''m learning that God is not simply removing the shards of glass from my bloody hands, He's healing my hands with His balm. Giving me His faith and love in exchange for my doubt and fear.
He's smoothing my hands over, causing them to be steady and able to hold the hearts of many and to clear the pathway for those walking this journey in the generations to come.
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
- I John 4:8