Photo Credit: Lyle Phillips
Yes. That's my current musical jam as of late ("Blurred Lines") It has been added to my "Honeymoon Jamz" compilation album. That album drops hopefully sometime in 2014...
Song Clip, For the GROWN:
Which brings me to...
Rather my mindset.
I've been in a state of mini-panic since I've moved back to L.A. Thrust into trusting this city again with my dreams and my time. And to make matters even more blurry, I'm trying to not act "Thirstaaaay" as the teenagers would say. "Yo, I'm on a singleness vow for 2013," I keep telling myself. But of course, there's someone who's caught my eye. The appeal of newness is always a strong pull, in any sphere. Plus, we're in the same circle of sorts, but he's given me nothing but ice pops all day long. Wisdom says, to leave this one alone...
But back to my mindset--
I've been in a deep study of the Gospel of John for almost 2 years now. I'm finally creeping my way into chapter 13. Things are getting real. Jesus is having his last meal with the disciples, and this is the incredible scene of which Jesus washes the disciples' feet. Peter, one of my favorite disciples ever, simply because he's straight up thug life, objects at first to Jesus taking such a lowly position and washing his feet. I mean, how does a teacher, the Christ wash a student's, a disciple's feet? It's mind boggling. Jesus was known to not simply blur lines, but demolish them all together.
And now, I feel like Peter--that moment before Jesus schools him on the purpose of Him washing Peter's feet. That moment when Peter is thinking, "You wanna do wha?--That doesn't make sense?"
Oh, Peter. I know. I feel you, homie.
So much around me doesn't seem to make sense right now. And I want fast solutions.
And in the midst, I feel God purposefully slowing me down.
"But God, I need to make that paper, that bread, that dough! I need to be on my grind--I got bills to pay, Sallie Mae to handle, scripts to write, books to read, rent, people to see--"
And then, God simply sits me down. And I'm confused.
Much like Peter is when Jesus is preparing to wash his feet. But Jesus basically tells Peter, 'You need to let Me do this, if you want to have anything to do with me.'
"If I do not wash you, you have no part with Me."
Oh, wait. What.
And then Peter gets hip real quick. He says, "Lord, then wash not only my feet, but also my hands, and my head."
But Jesus calms Peter down and says, "He who has bathed needs only to wash his feet, but is completely clean; and you are clean..."
So Peter was already clean. Jesus washing Peter's feet was not just a sanitary obligation (And an ancient world hospitality custom), but I see it as an act of love and preparation for the journey ahead for these disciples. Because later, Jesus would tell His disciples after washing all of their feet, to continue in this way of love (Choosing to "get low"--humble) and service, because this would be a specific recognizable trait of those specifically belonging to disciples of Jesus. Their continued love for one another in tangible ways, for the world to see.
What is it about our feet?
Well, on the journey of life, they usually get dusty and dirty first.
And what's absorbed in our feet, makes its ways into our bloodstream and effects our overall body.
So many times, I try to simply clean myself up, self-help my way to success. And yes, there is a part to play in our own lives for sure, but we cannot control everything, in fact, we control far less than we'd feel comfortable admitting. But the truth of the matter is, the one who controls everything partners with us in everything. We are never alone. Even if we think we are.
And this past week, as I read the story of Jesus washing the disciples feet, I would end up weeping. I would just start crying out of nowhere. Well, probably not out of nowhere, but something tender was touched, something relevant in my heart.
In the past month, I've been confronted with the issue of Forgiveness. It took me years to understand the depths of forgiveness, and how we are forgiven by God for so many things, if we would receive it. And to live a fully alive life, we are meant to look like our Father, loving and forgiving with such sincerity, generosity, and humility. And so last month, I was challenged again with the question of, "How far does my forgiveness go and reach? How active will it be? How established will it stay in my life?" I'm learning more and more that forgiveness is a choice and is definitely not a one time event, which means it can involve the same person in a variety of circumstances. Of which the question becomes, how do I allow someone to stay in my heart with sincere love, but not in my life.
No one lives life without being burned or burning others, no matter how perfect and right we think we are. And several individuals from my past who caused woundings in my soul, have resurfaced. I've wrestled with wanting to punch them in the face for my own selfish satisfaction, or hugging them boldly. You'll be happy to know I did the latter.
And then in those moments, back in my room, laying on my bed, reading this story of Jesus, I feel like Jesus is somehow washing my feet in this season. It's weird. It's awkward. But you can't get your feet washed, unless you're sitting down, vulnerable, and on somebody else's timetable.
But it's becoming more clear, that God is saying to me, "You need to let me wash your feet...you need to let Me do this...for many different reasons."
And as I begin to settle and sit down, my bearings seem to be a little less than stable. My trajectory lines are all over the place in this season. My ways of measuring my own success are once again getting blurred and perhaps redefined in a better way. But the more I ease into this posture of getting my "feet washed" and prepared for the journey ahead, the easier it all becomes. The more peace I begin to feel.
But with all of that swirling smog and dust in the atmosphere of the city, the invitation (often in the form of whisper) still remains...
Let me wash your feet.
Sometimes in order to move forward, you need to step back.
Sometimes in order to move forward, you need to step back.