X-Files, Nerves, & Bridesmaids


     I’ve been stewing for a bit. I wanted to come back with a blog post that would knock your socks off. But then I realized I couldn’t necessarily do that. I mean, maybe this post will change your life, but I’m quite prepared for it to absolutely not. And that’s okay.

     But the one thing I know I can bring to you is my honesty, my heart, my perspective and a brief overview of what I’ve been learning (and re-learning) in the past month.

     Can I just start with what happened to me this morning? And then let’s just work our way back to May 2014.

     So this morning, I had another one of my bizarre dreams. I was the Scully to someone’s Mulder. X-Files people, X-Files reference.

     Anyhoo, we were solving some really crazy crimes. I couldn’t tell you what they were exactly, but they were crazy. But get this, my crime fighting male partner, who was a bit older than me and taller than me in my dream started to develop a crush on me. Yes, the feelings were mutual, but we both felt the need to keep it under wraps. Neither of us were sure that we could have such a relationship in the work place.

     (Sidenote: If you are a male, one of my co-workers, unmarried, and have a crush on me, this is your cue…)

     Meanwhile, that relationship stayed suspended for the duration of the dream, and the different forces of evil that we were fighting took center stage.

     At one point this girl was trying to do some crazy spell/voodoo-ish thing on me (Yes, these are the things I dream about) and I somehow defeated her with a bloody cut on my hand. See what I mean…X-Files…

     But my favorite part came when a different X-Files partner (or maybe my guy partner morphed?), —into a female. Regardless, She and I, in the middle of the swirling evil and crime fighting broke out into an Earth, Wind, & Fire song, “Let’s Groove” and started dancing it out, like it was our birthday. Which apparently helped to defeat and confuse the forces of evil—ending the dream.

     And that my friend, pretty much sums up what this last month has been like.

     I know you’re like. UM. What.

     Yep. Exactly.

     You see, after I finished production on my latest TV show, “On the Menu” which is meant to air on TNT this Fall, I felt like I was free falling for a little bit.

     Let me explain.

     When you have 2 months of bliss, you re-learn that everything doesn’t have to be a battle. And your heart becomes so full of gratitude just for that fact alone. (Because more times than we’d like to admit, life can kick the crap out of us. So what a beautiful respite when it doesn’t--)

     So when bliss comes, it’s like the verse in Proverbs, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12 - NIV)

     Well in May and June of this year, personally and professionally, I was experiencing the “Tree of life” bit of that verse. It had been a long time since I’ve experienced back to back to back good things happening in a row. The unfolding and coming to fruition of some of the many things that one waits for. And these sweet and good things were coming with such ease. There was no striving, no pushing, no trying to make things happen. Things were just happening and falling into place.

     And I can speak for so many others that worked on my particular show. Something magical happened with the coming together of the many, many details of “On the Menu”.

      But what was happening on the outside with that show, was simply mirroring personal and private victories that I was experiencing.

     But then we wrapped our show in mid-June.

     What would life bring me after such a high?

     Well, it didn’t bring any horrific defeats if you’re wondering.

     But mediocrity can be just as disappointing.

     And I found myself “in the waiting” once again.

     Waiting for good things to happening, instead of experiencing them.

      I was starting to get a bit anxious again. And my Nerves were getting tested.

     In all actuality, I probably just needed to be kissed. Often. And by somehow who knows how. #GonewiththeWind

     But as you know, I haven’t been properly kissed since 2001.

     That is no X-Files statistic that I just gave you, that is real life.

     Moving onward.

     When you feel loved, you feel fearless.

     With that said, I think I’m starting to learn more and more about the realness of the verse, “Perfect love casts out all fear.” (I John 4:18) I mean. It just DOES. #selah

     And something about May and June left me feeling incredibly loved and seen and down right invincible.

     Then July entered the scene. And here I am, desperately aware of how much more love I need in my life --which boils down to being much more intentional about receiving love for myself as well as giving it out. And remaining hopeful in the midst--in the lulls.

     And as I wait and do, and wait and do, I don’t want to fall into the trap of rushing and just doing things just to do them.

     We all want to connect to something meaningful, something that stirs our soul, makes us feel alive.

     And it’s no surprise to me that my X-Files dream came to me in the midst of my current state of affairs: Influx and On-Guard.

     Because that’s how I feel a bit. That I’m slowly regressing into the old way of things, to that which is so familiar. Still hope-filled, but never able to fully grasp that tree of life—that longing fulfilled. Influx. Never quite there. But almost. And in a posture ready to fight endless battles for myself and others with no sure victories--On-Guard.

     But something within me is stubborn. Not allowing me to just lie down and accept this as the “Way it is and has to be”.

     I refuse to believe that the best is behind us. No. It’s just simply not true.

     2014 has given us all a small glimpse of how beautiful certain things can be…like our dreams for instance.

     And it wasn’t a dangling carrot, but rather a reminder.

     We’ve been positioned for success, by a God that delights in His kids.

     I’ve prayed, talked about, laughed and cried with Lindsay Coleman for 12 years regarding her future husband, for a true partner, a real companion. And would you believe, these prayers have been answered just within the last few months?!

     12 years people. 12 Years.

     I mean. We put in time, tears, hope, and faith.

     And maybe you could care less about a marriage partner or romance for that matter (Of which, I think you may be investing your reading time on the WRONG blog. But really though…) But the takeaway, even if you’re already married or not into sharing your life with another miraculous human being in a long term way—the takeaway is that those passions of your heart are NOT to be ignored.

     Moreover, anything worth waiting for, worth having for keeps, WILL TAKE TIME.

     We often need to grow to fit those things waiting for us.

     Treat those dreams and passions with a sense of sacredness. Devote time to them. Allow yourself to be excited about the gifts and passions that you have. Because everyone on this planet didn’t get them the way you did and with your fingerprints.

     And so Lindsay Coleman is getting married.

     And I have the honor of being one of her Bridesmaids.

     And in partaking in her celebration. Her longing fulfilled. Just like that--I’m reminded. Dreams do come true.

     It’s just a matter of time.

     Meanwhile, take good care of your opportunities, because you never quite know where they might lead you too…

Wisdom’s Knocking:

 “Don’t dig up in doubt, what you planted in faith.” 
 -Elizabeth Elliot