I wanted to do a full in-depth blog recap of the lessons my heart learned in relationship to setting boundaries at work these last couple of months--enduring crazy television production hours whilst trying to maintain life's true priorities. It's been a season of barely holding onto my peace amidst a surprising whirlwind of good and terribly hurt people vying for time and significance.
But that wasn't the shining light in all of this. Not quite. Something else was...
Let me work my way back to the beginning. Because it was the beginning that was the sweetest, and I'd personally like to end this story on a good note.
Today though. Today my heart is in recovery. It's being mended, bound up like an open wound. The perfect amount of pressure is being applied. And I fondly reminisce...
The warm pressure of hands on my back.
Feeling supported and loved.
Being read by another, just by a mere glance of my eyes.
And feeling so close...so very close to what I thought I've always wanted.
And in mere moments--as things normally do. It all changed pace and purpose.
And I needed to halt.
It all came to a halt.
A peaceful halt nonetheless.
And now I'm in a seemingly blasé scenario of sorts.
And as you know, I've never been one to get excited about waiting....
I've struggled with deep anger and frustration this week, as I've approached writing you. Because what seemed so bright just mere weeks ago, has now fizzled into a faded ember of sorts. Much like the waning beauty of a shooting star.
And as I prepared to write, that compounded emotion of pain and anger started to flavor every other blessing that was falling on me in this season. And believe me, the blessings were and are still falling, even in the midst of the rain...
Funny/Weird Side note: I had a perfectly enticing and passionate blog written about 2 weeks ago that was magically erased by the Internets. Yes. They ate it. But it's better that way. It was a little over the top, if I do say so myself. I thought I was practically in love. I held nothing back. And then my post disappeared. As if what I had experienced and felt wasn't real after all. But rather, it was just another illusion of something. A metaphor of sorts--
But who in the world has time for more metaphors at this stage of the game? Who wants imagery when we are hungering for the real thing? The Real. Breathing. Thing.
But I didn't want to let the pain stop me altogether. I wanted to head towards something Bright.
So let's go further back. A bit closer to the beginning.
We sat down together. Casually. As one often does.
And then the surprises came.
I didn't expect to sit down with him and feel completely at home. Completely.
Nope. Nope. NOPE.
Something already felt too familiar.
And then the time passed. It passed in such a way that made it feel like Christmas and Thanksgiving all at the same time.
Perhaps I was delusional in all of this, but he was in no rush to leave either...
And the night ended, unlike it began.
I had started off so sure and fiercely independent, but now....BUT Now....
I found myself barely able to sleep that night.
And I kept asking the walls in my room, "What was that?! No--but really. WHAT WAS THAT?"
And each time I asked the question, my heart started to beat like thunder.
Because I can honestly say, that I have never felt more free, more peace, more myself, more seen, more alive in the presence of a man, than I did that night.
It ignited my heart in such a way, that I'm afraid I'm ruined for anything less.
This was a suddenly of sorts to say the least.
It was so good, and it was so incredibly easy to be in that moment.
Today, we've both gone back to our normal.
Our day to day priorities have taken he and I hostage. And what might have bloomed, has now been relegated to that small chamber of my mind titled: "Could this have been?..."
I don't think his life was ready for me yet. And I know his heart wasn't ready either.
Mine is always ready.
And perhaps this was all one sided fantasy all along. It wouldn't be my first time down this road.
But make no mistake, my heart is not full of regrets.
Questions? Yes. I have those by the thousands. But there's something about the Peace of God that helps to calm my wavering and unsteady heart.
Disappointment? Yes. But that too will be bound up and healed in the end. We've been down this path before.
Because mostly, I'd rather keep my heart open and tender, rather than stoney, bitter and walled up.
Granted, it's quite the discipline to keep one's heart soft day in and day out. But it can be as simple (and hard) as inviting God into your everyday process. Which often times looks like me whispering, "Help" as I'm driving the ever so clamorous LA streets.
I know it all feels so Blasé right now. As if we are waiting for it to all happen.
You know IT -- which is basically everything good, exciting, and dreamed of in our lives.
But today, I take a bit of solace in knowing that we don't know everything that is to come--I'm talking about the good here.
We don't know what lies just beyond the bend, and even so--people and places can still surprise us in the best and Brightest of ways.
“When the star dies,
Its eye closes; tired of watching,
It flies back to its first bright dream.”
― Dejan Stojanovic, Circling: 1978-1987