There's a theme with a majority of the movies that I love and adore.
Strictly Ballroom: The disregarded ugly duckling female dancer begins to bloom in her own right.
Some Kind of Wonderful: The overlooked tomboy best friend of the handsome lead, struggles to hold her true feelings in of love.
Cinderella: The least likely to be chosen...is well...chosen.
This theme of being chosen hits my heart so deep.
In the midst of what I considered a minor heartbreak, which I mentioned in my last post, I felt as though I was drowning emotionally, and I wasn't quite sure why.
I once was told, the area that we find our calling and purpose in, will often be the area of the most warfare. The place where our tender hearts suffer the most attack. Yet also where strength is meant to abound.
But I wasn't finding strength...not just yet...
For me, this idea of fostering family and choosing people intentionally is something I absolutely love doing. In many ways it's almost effortless for me. It's something my own family has fostered quite well over the years--they rarely meet a stranger. And they know how to make you feel loved and seen.
But the one area I've longed to be chosen--for a majority of my life, is in the context of a romantic relationship.
The years have gone by.
The seasons have passed.
The weddings continue and I celebrate just the same.
And I wonder.
I just wonder now.
How and when? Or could it still happen to me?
Because over and over again, the person I've chosen, doesn't choose me back.
I know. We've all been there. Unchosen. Seemingly rejected and left out--forgotten about.
It's the worst.
I was tossing and turning for the last weeks since my time with him.
I've been secretly texting friends to pray for my heart.
And I've been writing to you.
He's clueless. As most guys can be at times.
But it's better this way.
Because I have space to manage my heart and to not manipulate something false or rushed out of him, and our friendship being none the different or affected.
It was this feeling of being so very close to the promise of what my heart has waited for, and then it not being that...
It naturally created frustration, but I couldn't understand where my root of bitterness was creeping in. It was a type of bitterness that made cry and lash out. Not just anger, but it was oddly mixed with despair and vulnerability.
I basically threw my hands up. I knew it was time for me to get still with God. And to just let Him operate on my heart with Love. The first hour with Him was simply tears. The second hour He began to tell me my story...
Tiny sparkling epiphanies started to fall, and I began to see the full picture of what my heart had been masking from me this entire time...the Truth...
Just as it was in "Some Kind of Wonderful", I had been competing against an "Amanda Jones" and I was most definitely the tomboy sidekick "Watts" in this scenario. There to comfort, there to love, there to be a listening ear, there to laugh with him, but not there to be chosen.
I had chosen him in that moment. But he had not chosen me--not in the way my heart was longing for.
Painful blow of the truth.
To top it off, I'd secretly been putting myself in this "side chick" mindset and mode, sabotaging myself. And in essence saying to myself, that I'm not worthy of being single-handedly chosen outright. I figured I would only be chosen if he didn't choose her...
Because I can't remember the last time I was someone's romantic first choice. Maybe I was talked about from afar as a thought or an idea, but those types of distances never reach my ears, my arms, or my heart.
Guys, a girl needs to hear these first choice things once and a while.
But God ever so gently reminded me, I'm worthy of being a first choice. Not an afterthought. Or a convenience, or a "Well, why not..."
And I began to forgive him, myself, and the situation.
He has every right to choose whom he wants and own those choices.
And so do I.
So do I.
I may not have been chosen by him, and that's okay.
I'm still worth being chosen.
And there, in those words: "I'm still worth being chosen." Freedom and healing began to fall on my heart like never before. The open wound began to finally close up.
And I could slowly begin to believe again, that there's a love story still waiting for me (and for you).
That all avenues have not been exhausted. In fact, these winding pathways and yellow brick roads are leading us exactly to where we need to be and who we need to be with.
I don't quite understand why we can feel magic with someone, and yet they feel nothing in return.
But praise God that your heart was alive to feel and know such things. Because the rest of the world is still trying to find their way back to happiness, while treading water in their own roots of bitterness and despair.
Love is greater. Yes.
But it must be received in order to be given out.
Take a moment today, to tell yourself you are loved by the God of the universe. That you are seen and heard. And that you are always His first choice. And from that place, let today and tomorrow's story be written.
Because in every movie that I mentioned above, the journey of the characters didn't end in despair, but rather, all of their stories end in a crescendo of Love.
Oh, to love and to be in love. I hear there's nothing like it.
I'm convinced more than ever that a man and woman falling in love under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit is nothing short of one of life's greatest miracles.
And with that said, I do intend on experiencing this miracle first hand. I have absolutely NO idea how or when such a thing is meant for me.
But we'll just let this story continue...
Wisdom's Knocking:
"A life lived in fear...Is a life half-lived."
- "Strictly Ballroom" (1992)