Wanting To Hide

There are those moments in life where one feels blatantly inadequate. Regardless of how amazing everyone will quickly say you are, your poise is still in that of doubt. What is this is this cloak we choose to snuggle in? In the end, it's not a cloak at all, but a metal and awkward armor that hides the softness and strength of who we really are. Yes, protection is necessary, but not at the expense that it restricts movement. What good is armor if you can't walk or run in it--and preferably in the direction of forward.

This year, my unnecessary armor has come down. I feel quite naked at times. But a rush of belief and beauty quickly sweep in to surround and comfort me. The desire to hide many times is our call to truly be seen and pursued. Many times we can just as easily be afraid of the good as we are the bad.

It is now Autumn. And I am grateful that this year did not look like the last. I'm grateful that I have been able to break free of certain hindrances and remove another layer of masks. And I'm so incredibly curious to see how God will "complete" that which He has started in us.

Seek and you shall find...yes, even those hidden things.

Bearings

It's in this time that I'm not quite sure what to feel or for that matter what to even expect. It almost seems like an unavoidable descent of sorts. It's much more uncomfortable than free falling. It's like this weird sense of controlled chaos.

I was listening to a message yesterday from Ravi Zacharias. I love that man, by the way. I wrestled with the slogan of his ministry. "What I believe in my heart must make sense in my mind." But yes, that seems to be our constant journey. And yet we believe that God's ways are higher than our ways and that even in the midst of chaos, He provides a peace that surpasses all understanding. How do I wrap my mind around that and yet still become settled within my mind.

It's true. I do not believe God is frantic. I believe He rests in perfectly clarity. I also believe that this clarity in rest is extended to all of us as well. But for me, in this season, I have had trouble gathering my bearings. It's one of the most frustrating things. I simply want things to slow down and get into proper perspective. But instead I find myself blank, almost above emotions in a some sort of fog.

But back to Ravi's message. He suggested that we could be afraid of the good. But the way in which he described this feeling wasn't what i had normally heard. It was the nitty reality of how many times the good can open itself to things that scare us equally as if evil had entered into the room and how do we deal with that?

Learning, learning, learning. This is truly a journey not a destination.

My love is being set free and I'm learning to be. May my heart reflect the truth and true of essence of Thee.

Anger Love Ramalama

Wow. A Promised Land sure does come with a lot of adventure and frustration at times. I feel like I'm in some sort of whirlwind. At times it's a bit overwhelming, and I must remind myself: You have already been prepared for this.

What is it about true love that challenges you to become a better you, as stronger you, a much more courageous you. And no, I'm not just talking about the romantic type of love, but a love that at times calls you to something higher, and in our frailty we get upset and even angry because we are not living at such heights as of yet.

Just when I reached a level of comfortability in my own skin, everything changes once again. I feel a bit out of my element. Which in essence is so good, because I am finally able to face those things that once had me bound in fear. This summer is much more than what it would at first appear to be. Yes, things will reach a new potential--wiping away the remnants of winter. But once again, things will prepare to fall as autumn is ushered in. A new me will emerge, I'm almost sure of it.

Don't stop if you feel revisited by anger. It is our heavy reminder of how desperate we are for love--to have it, to be it, to be in it, to experience it fully.

"...Hearing only one root note
Planted firmly in the ground
Undo my heart, unzip my body and
Lend to my ear a clear and a deafening sound..."

Surround Yourself With Truth

Love has arrived.

Recap

Don't you miss the days of elementary school. When you saw the same group of friends day in and day out. The only type of recapping that had to take place was, "What did you do over the weekend?" But even then, we would already know what our friends were doing because we would see them or talk to them over the weekend. And then it's Monday again. We sit in the same class, go to the same recess, have the same teacher, live life. Oh the friendships of that era.

Now I realize, with all my friendships spread across states and continents, I (and others) spend a majority of our relationships "recapping" on life that has happened without the other person present. By the time we have both "recapped" we are exhausted, and that has somehow substituted as quality time. We truly aren't living life together, but simply keeping each other informed out of respect, curiosity, and maybe love.

So how are we defining friendships these days? Definitely not by mere locale, for the internet has given us webcam and other virtual means of communication and a sense of connection.

I think there's still that intangible element that truly connects us and bonds us with people, forever leaving an imprint on our hearts and souls. I also think that some of the fundamental elements holding friendships together, besides history with a person are: a common interest, goal, or direction, as well as passion and joy--simply enjoying being around each other and a sense of freedom. I also believe that the depth of friendship is determined by the history and the direction the two or more people are going in.

And then sometimes God gives us something unexpected, a connection that feels eternal--mutually. And no matter how long we've been apart, we continue on the same page as if we've never missed a beat. That's forever a place of home in our hearts. That is truly a gift. Not all friendships carry that weight, but when they do, it's easily recognized by both parties.

But don't all the friendships in our lives hold such great meaning? We wouldn't be who we are without them. And that inspires me to love.

I personally hope I do less recapping and more frienshipping in the days to come. It seems to be a bit more difficult to do, being a grown up and all. But I refuse to see it as impossibility.