Male Models Make Me Queasy

I'm currently watching "Model City". Get on this wagon. I'm fascinated and repelled all at the same time. Oh, It's on "Centric"--the station that used to be called BET-J and before that it was the BET Jazz channel. Thus, they are all Black professional male models. The show chronicles their careers and personal lives amidst the backdrop of classic NYC. So of course, I'm already intrigued simply from the premise...

Anyway, I'm reflecting on how petty and superficial some of these men are. At this point, they've been groomed that way. They've been catered to in some unbelievable ways, which in turn has affected their outlook on life, their day to day lives as mini-rock stars, and their interpersonal skills. On the show, there are some strong personalities that help to drive the story (What would a good reality show be without them?); and it's because of these strong characters that I'm able to reflect more deeply and intently on issues like identity, beauty, and maturity.

It just amazing to me how we treat and are affected by people simply because of their beauty. It's astounding really, when you think of it. It truly begins to sink in when we hear one of the more intelligent male model's response. He is fully aware of how ridiculous and amazing his way of making an obscene amount of money appears. He also comments on how people treat him and his peers differently simply because they're beautiful, and yes, you better believe these boys know that they are.

I'm no exception to the rule. I respond to beauty just as strongly as the next person. But I hope that I've learned that beauty in itself is not the "end" it's simply the beginnings of a greater beauty and discovery beyond. Much like saying, what we see is temporal--but what we cannot see, is eternal.

The depths of beauty makes me smile. Exaggerated beauty makes me a little nervous. And self-important beauty makes me queasy.

Ladies, Be Aware of Your Surroundings

I recently heard a tragic story of how a woman was in her own backyard doing the peaceful and relaxing art of gardening. While her back was turned, a strange man walked right into her home, behind her back and killed her husband. This all happened as the woman was unaware in her garden. And when the woman finally came back into her house, the perpetrator kidnapped her. In a miraculous flow of events, she later escaped from her kidnapper's home and lives to tell the story.

There is so much that we do not become aware of when we are in our day to day lives. Translate that fact into our emotional and spiritual lives, there is so much that we can be unaware of trying to circle us or choke us out. But now is the time to awaken. To be aware.

Even if we are caught in the storm or kidnapped by hopelessness, the light has not stopped shining. In many cases, we may have been unaware of our training (from the past) to overcome. Much like the Karate Kid himself, who saw no purpose in "waxing" a car. But those movements would later prove vital and beneficial in an arena of challenge.

Be aware. Not just of everyone else and their flaws. But be aware of yourself and your own surroundings. What are you gleaning and learning? What wisdom is being imparted. Do you even know? Do you care to? Maybe you don't. But I can almost guarantee that there will be a moment in this life where your present condition or observations will give strength to something within you that will need to arise in order to overcome the tallest of obstacles and what would even appear as ultimate defeat. Your strength is being formed now.

Many of us learned to be aware and maybe even a bit suspicious of our surroundings at a young age ("Stranger Danger", etc.). Growing up with an aunt who worked for the Criminal Justice Department in New York and a father connected to the government, since the age of 5, I've had to be aware of my own surroundings in an heightened way. The pendulum was so far in one direction that I had to learn to trust people and truly become vulnerable instead of thinking everyone was out to harm me.

Nevertheless, I am always observing. Always listening. I know that the game can change at any moment, and I'm okay with that. My ultimate trust isn't in my own ability to control every circumstance or to avert every single bad thing from happening. I now trust that God will cover and fill in the areas that are needed. For the light that shines ever so brightly is not my own, for I am but a reflector of what I am looking at.

But now I am being aware in faith and not in fear. Learning more and more of what it means to watch and pray.


And to you, especially the ladies, please be aware of your surroundings. Because in such surroundings, there may be an opportunity to help, to fight, to pray, or to grow.

But Rock Me Gently

I need to slow down. I mean seriously. Why am I rushing?

And then, in the midst of my haste, I make rash decisions and partake of the cup of rash emotions.

These are the times when I dream of someone rocking me gently.

I've learned that facades are far more prevalent and closer to home than we'd like to imagine. I've also learned that miracles are only a mere suddenly away.

The discomfort of the waiting. That is why I squirm. But at least I've learned that redemption is never too far behind.

Meanie, God Help Your Husband

Today I've been laughing at the most odd things. One being the truth and bite of my stares, looks, sarcasm, humor, and attitude. Wow, all this time I've been picturing myself as the gentile sassy girl. But no, it seems I'm more like the wicked witch of the west. And not in the, sing-a-song-on-Broadway, type of witch. No. Just the one you might be scared of.

But then I think. We as women have that nasty side. I mean, we have to be careful. We can cut someone faster than a chef with a good knife.

During the holidays, there was this slight frustration rising up within me. It was a deep sense of agitation. It comes and goes. And no, it wasn't that special time of the month. I was simply trying to reconcile those things of which I dreamed of and my current state of mediocrity. Oh yes, out of the abundance of the heart, your big mouth will speak. Like it or not. Unless you're the "I keep it all inside, only to grow a watermelon sized ulcer" type of person. But for the most part, we're so good at self promoting. I mean, look at me. I'm writing this blog in hopes that you'll read it and "see me". And of course, how could I leave out the ever so infamous Facebook Status Updates. See me. See me now.

But what am I really saying? Am I addressing the issues that have gotten me all irate. Or am I simply talking about it?

I digress.

So, I get into this conversation with my parents about my future husband. They both have theories. Amidst all of the dreams and prophetic words that sound like butter, they hammer home the fact that I'm somewhat mean and hard to live with and my husband will have to be a patient and strong man. What? Really. Have I been looking at the wrong personality mirror all these years? Perhaps. But then I also counter this talk with the fact that they are my parents and they were destined to get on my nerves at least 12 hours of a 24 hour day. Thus bringing out my attitude.

But then I got reflective. Why is that we act the ugliest towards the ones that are closest to us or those we want to love the most. Is it simply that we knowingly take these people for granted? And in regards to family...Do we not know how to love someone that has taken care of us long before we could use the bathroom by ourselves? Are we constantly trying to prove something to them...thus allowing pride to be our guide instead of love. Or are we just mean?

We want people to give us grace for our mishaps and flaws (character or otherwise), but we have such a hard time extending them towards others or to those that have tried to love us first--Before we were popular, before we got a degree, before we had life revelations, before we hung out with celebrities, and before we were grown ups. And yet our attitudes and love are hindered in some sort of arrested development with our families and those closest to us.

Truly, I don't want my heart to be hindered in any way. I want my actions to fully reflect love. Not just some of the time. But definitely most of the time. And ideally, all of the time.

I laugh sometimes at the disconnect I have from what I perceive is true about myself versus what is really going on with me. You know the feeling. It's like looking at a picture of yourself from 5-10 years ago and feeling completely different about the person you're looking at in the picture. Your thoughts come from a different perspective, a more mature and higher view of things. You realize the way that you had perceived yourself then may not have truly lined up with reality...which, in turn, may be good or bad.

All to say, I want to be able to look at a picture of myself from 2010 and not see a trace of resentment, bitterness, or anger. But I want to see the face of a woman well loved and who loved well.

A process I hope to be growing in.


That being said...maybe, just maybe, the next time I see you, I won't shank you with my death stare and vocal tone.

Kiss Joy

Tis the season for plenty of greeting embraces, cheek to cheek, kisses to cheek, and if you're a brave grown up, kisses to kisses.

I didn't fully realize, until later this year, that I've had a stigma about kisses. Which is odd because I love the idea of them, but to so easily give them away, in terms of intimate greetings, started to bother me a bit when I felt that some specific individuals were trying to get more than a greeting kiss.

More so, it seemed as if they simply wanted to experience my lips with little disregard for the woman that possessed them.

What is it about a kiss that is so magnetic? There are many theories and speculations as to what the kiss is and how it came to be. But they still don't provide me with solid reassurance and safety in regards to my own lips. Because my qualms about kissing really boil down to lips in general. I mean, if a stranger placed their hand on your lips in public versus shaking your hands, it would increase his or her chances of getting slapped. But why...what makes lips so sacred? Because they're closer to your mouth, the place where your breathe and receive oxygen?...Or is it connected to the fact that life and death are in the power of the tongue...and the lips are somehow guarding it like an ancient castle?

I think that's what excites me and scares me the most about kisses. There's an exchange happening. Possibly both of the good and the bad.

So you can see how quickly the idea of a kiss could become revolting to me--But not for the reason of a person simply being perceived as hideous--although that doesn't help one's case. The reluctance to give those sweet greeting kisses at times comes from the resistance to vulnerability, the fear of inviting someone to a dance that you know you're not going to show up at, or the possibility of inviting the enemy to trespass and debase your castle.

I was recently given a surprise goodbye kiss -- half friendly, half invitation. It was like a hug that lingered a little bit longer than normal... and then somehow somewhere a saxophone seemed to play nearby...and of course the moon shined ever so brightly.

And just as quickly as it began, it ends abruptly and I'm meant to look this person in the eye with a strong platonic stare and smile, but truly I'm thinking..."What just happened? Did I just give you an unintentional gift with my lips. I didn't even offer that...I was going in for the hug you sneaky thug, you."

But as we part ways. I conclude:



"Well then...that exchange wasn't horrible at all."