Ripped Off

Photo Credit: Elias Garlaza

     The car sped off before I was safely in my own car.

     I had been dropped...





     Off.

     It was dark, and I fumbled for my keys, and then I finally opened my car door.

     The trail of the car that dropped me off was long gone, as if to say, "Good riddance."

     I sat in my car in the dark for a moment. When someone doesn't follow through to make sure I'm safe, I'm urked. Then, I feel sad. Then, I'm urked again. Then I feel a bit humiliated. And yes, then I'm urked again.

     It's always in the details and in the little things...It's those things that always seem to say so much. So much more than we intend them to.

     But I pay attention to those things, and you are communicating something to me through those seemingly little and insignificant things.

     So when the tenderness I love to shower people with is not met by their own actions towards me, I can't help but feel ripped off.

     I could tell that other things and people were constant distractions floating through my friend's mind. Even if they wouldn't admit it.

     And all day, I was feeling extremely emotional and heavy in the spirit, if you know what I mean.

     But in it all, I chose to be present in the moment with high and lovely expectations-- as much as one could have.

     And unknown to my friend, I was struggling to feel loved, heard, seen, appreciated, and honored in the moments that we were having.

     By the end of the day I was exhausted.

     My well of patience and joy had somehow gone dry.

     We were both tired.

    You see, when one has an extremely unexpected good day, like the one I had a few days ago, the tendency is to try to recreate that feeling, that vibe, that emotion, to make a sequel of sorts.

     But then life happens.

     And things don't play out quite the same way.

     But oh, how we wish they did.

     And then the very thing that I was trying to avoid through it all happens...disappointment and heartbreak.

     With a car speeding off, before I am safely tucked away into mine.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

-C.S. Lewis

The Lovely Sometimes

Photo Credit: Paul Capra

Sometimes you just have a lovely day. And everybody knows it.

It settles you. Gives you peace. Makes you smile. And surprises you.

These are lovely times.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"This is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it."

-Psalm 118:24

I'm Different

Photo Credit: Lindsay Coleman

Opposites attract.

And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"What good is the warmth of summer,
without the cold of winter to give it sweetness."

-John Steinback

The Secret Is Out

Photo Credit: Paris Garbowsky

     It's no secret. I still have feelings for him.

     I played for one of my best friends, a voice message that I left him not too long ago.

     "Wow, you sound so nervous..." She calmly says.

     "I know." I reply. "I just don't know how to be. And it's so frustrating to me."

     You see, I am both irritated and oddly drawn to him.

     I think I was in absolute denial about how my heart truly felt, until after I wrote,"Bang, Bang, Boom". I mean, didn't you already sense, through my veil of jealousy, that I was falling...falling... a little bit in love?

     Ugh. Such bad timing.

     I've walked out friendship with many a male counterparts like this before. It's dangerous ground. There seems to be hidden mines in the fields at every turn. And as life would have it, I somehow step on almost every single one, feeling the jolt of having a heart ripped in two in a variety of tortuous ways.

     And so I hesitate.

     And at the same time I move forward.

     Until recently, when I end up hitting my head smack into a glass wall of sorts.

     Wait. I thought it was all clearly labeled ahead. I thought we determined what we were getting into, a clearer road ahead with no obvious trickery.

     Oh, that glass wall isn't yours? It's mine?

     And then, I look closer. Sketched on this glass wall, that I've recently hit, is the phrase, "Trust Issues."

     I sigh.

     Not this again.

     Haven't we gone over this, God, like a trillion times?

     And then I get humbled.

     "But you've never let Me shatter this wall, completely. Instead, you simply punch your way through, bloody your hands, and think that you've gained victory. But the remaining shards of glass now stick to your hands, leaving you more injured and deceived into thinking that you've actually dealt with and moved passed this Trust Issues wall. But you haven't yet. Because now the pieces of glass are with you wherever you go."

-----

     There so much I'm afraid of in this season.

     I'm afraid of putting my heart and intentions out there, only to be rejected.

     I'm afraid that I'll never finish my screenplay.

     I'm afraid that Justin Timberlake's album won't be as good as his hit single, "Suit & Tie."

     I'm afraid that I'll never be held like a woman should be held.

     I'm afraid that I'll never have sex.

     I'm afraid that I'll get accustomed to promises not being fulfilled.

     I'm afraid of not being the perfect everything for someone.

     I'm afraid of seeing my parents age.

     I'm afraid of becoming forgotten.

     And therein lies the pieces of glass that make up the "Trust Issues" wall.

     I realize I'm a lot more insecure and jealous than I had once perceived. But I'm convinced more than ever, that's not who I am meant to be.

     And like a gentle surgeon, God is carefully removing the shards of glass from my life, from my hands, from my heart.

     And he says, like such a sweet Papa, "It's going to be okay. But you must let Me do this for you."

     As odd as it sounds, I'm in awe and shock that God desires to do something for me.

     You mean, I don't have to beg and plead? I don't have to perform or do a tap dance? You want to do this for me, simply because you love me?

     Speechless.

     It's interesting the contrast of how God heals us vs. when we try and heal ourselves.

     The difference is truly night and day.

     In this season, as certain areas of my heart are getting healed, I am absolutely confident that God is with me. The pain is very real, but His presence is just as real.

     I'm learning more and more, that the opposite of love is not hate, but fear.

     And fear causes us to act irrationally and empties our soul of the ability to trust, leaving only shards and remnants of what love once felt like to us.

     But tonight, I''m learning that God is not simply removing the shards of glass from my bloody hands, He's healing my hands with His balm. Giving me His faith and love in exchange for my doubt and fear.

     He's smoothing my hands over, causing them to be steady and able to hold the hearts of many and to clear the pathway for those walking this journey in the generations to come.

Wisdom's Knocking: 

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 

- I John 4:8

I Only Feel Ugly Around You

     Photo Credit: Hannah Anderson

     Trickery is prone to happen, when one is under a veil.

     What do I mean, by this?

     Sometimes, others are not able to see you yet for who you truly are, because they don't have eyes yet to fully see you--you're behind a veil.

     In certain seasons of my life, I've felt the weight of being hidden, not always appreciating the fact that it is truly protection in a variety of ways.

     So when others, or a significant other, or a crush does not quite see you for your true beauty and is not able to validate your beauty, your mind and heart begin to second guess themselves.

     But am I beautiful?

     He doesn't think I am?

     But the standard of beauty is this, or that...

     You will hear me say this a lot this year. This may be my year of Singleness, but it is NOT my year of Ugliness.

     There is no need for me to look like a hot mess in the streets.

     So yes, I will be stepping up my game this year.

     But oddly enough, in my pursuit to step up my game, I’ve felt emotionally attacked in that exact area.

     Typical.

     Mind you, I’m still processing my heart as it deals with real feelings and attraction towards men—okay, one in particular, yet I'm balancing a year of vowed singleness. Yes. Tricky.

     All to say, it still means something to me, when a man gives me a genuine compliment. It deposits something good in my soul. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.

     And men, I know that you have a reservoir of sensitivity as well. And I know that a genuine compliment doesn't simply stroke your ego, but encourages you to be a better man.

     So the oddest thing happened to me a few nights back, and the end result was that I felt ugly being in the presence of a particular person, actually, we weren't even in the same space, this was more or less a phone conversation. And this particular conversation wasn't even about me. It was about someone else and their overwhelming beauty. And 99.9% of the time, I'm always ready to celebrate someone else's beauty beyond my own. But it's no secret that I clearly wanted my beauty to be validated by this person I was in a conversation with.

     But let's get real. There's that .1% that would cause me to not want to celebrate someone's else's beauty. And what is that .1%?

     It's simple: If I felt as though their beauty and amazingly established identity threatened mine in some way.

     How could their beauty threaten me?

     Well, if I thought that in some way, this person had an upper hand when it comes to...getting the guy over me...getting the job over me...getting the promotion over me, etc., etc.

     And alas, there they are, some of my deep insecurities raw for all to see.

     But as I write this, I recognize that this is very much a Spirit of Poverty mentality at work within me.

     Because in God's kingdom, there's always more than enough--there's no lack, no deficiency in beauty, and no need to be stingy. In fact, we are called to be radically generous.

     Not just with our finances, but with our time, our lives, our love.

     So now I realize I need to receive, in a fresh way, the generosity of God's intentions and beauty in my own life. And I must be sold on the fact that I won't be ripped off in anyway.

     Perhaps I'm behind a veil.

     But even though I may be behind a veil, I cannot and will not succumb to this idea that I'm not valuable, that I'm not beautiful,  that I'm not desirable, that I'm not attractive. And the same goes for YOU.

     You are more beautiful than you know, more attractive than he gave you credit for, more intelligent than she ever expressed, and more loving than they ever thought you could be.

     Validation is such a strong force, especially when you feel as though you crave it. But one (Ehem, meee) must be careful not to put the full weight, perspective, and responsibility of our lives purpose, beauty, and identity upon one single person's response towards us.


     This is in no way our year of ugliness.


     And in closing....I will not be looking like a hot mess in the streets. Ya heard.

Wisdom's Knocking:

Your worth and beauty are fully settled and established in God.

"I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You’ll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we’re at our worst. Our Father is kind; you be kind."

- Luke 6:35-36 (The Message)