The Structure of Fun

     I know that we as single people have something that our lovely in-relationship folks don't have: Time.

     Sure, the different groups both have 24 hours in the day, but these hours are extraordinarily different for the single person vs. the person who is married vs. the person who has kids vs. the person who just fell in love.

     As single people we often have something I like to call, a trap or a treasure, or in other words: Free Time.

     It's this free time that can become dangerous. And before you know it, you find yourself spiraling and eating whole boxes of graham crackers, baking brownies, and dump cakes all in the same day and still not getting your laundry done or paying your bills on time.

     Now I'm a free bird. In almost every sense of the word and I don't like feeling caged in, or subjected to things I have.to.do.

     And in these past weeks having a break from my television work, I let myself roam free. Because what better way to exercise this freedom, than to have an open day schedule. I'm free like that.

     And so I tell myself casually, I have this, that, and the other to do tomorrow in the midst of my fun and relaxing day. Only to get to that lovely tomorrow, and get sidetracked at 10AM by my last email that took me to Pinterest at 10:30AM, which then led me to a picture of New Zealand.  And by 12 noon, of course I need to plan a trip there. So I start researching plane tickets and tours.

     And then somehow it's 1PM. And that didn't get done, nor did this. Plus, now I'm kind of hungry, but I need to write or do something fun. Yeah, something more fun than writing right now. Let's catch up on some of my favorite TV shows like "Suits" or "Psych". And I'm 20 minutes in, and I hear this cool song playing in the background in one of the scenes. I immediately pause the episode, get on Google and research the song. And since I'm online, I should probably check my email again...

     And now it's 3PM. I finally decide to eat. Something low key. Brownies, of course.

     While eating my nutritious meal, I wonder if I can catch the tale end of "The Steve Harvey" show. I love that show. His producers are fantastic. Have you seen his show? The segments they come up with are Brilliant. And then I think, Oh,  how I love funny guys; and how I wish that I could a marry a funny guy one day.

     And then I think about how I want to be in love.  It's now 5PM. I decide to sweep the kitchen and wash dishes to get my mind off of this revelation. I also want to show myself I have some bit of productivity accomplished by the end of the day.

    Afterwards, once again,  I think about how I'm not in love, and how I didn't get an invitation to Charlie and Susie's wedding last year. I decide it's a good time to write, to write about how I feel about that. It's now 7PM.

     Post is done, it's now 9PM. I'm exhausted.

     From doing basically nothing all day.

    Because the focus of the day, my casual goals of: This, that, and the other never got accomplished, at least not fully.

     And yet, my mind was still racing, and my body still felt oddly tense. This freedom was killing me. My day was neither fully fun nor relaxing.

     Isn't it interesting that freedom, to be truly enjoyed needs some type of boundary.

     Well I learned the hard way.

     After listening to "Lucille's Life Class" (Also known as: Talking to my mom on the phone), It became ever so clear that the same routine I began to implement while working from home for weeks at a time, was the same type of structure I needed to maintain for my relaxed fun and free days.

     But instead, it would be a "Relaxed Routine". Same exact structure premise, just a different name to help throw my brain into "Calm the freak down" mode.

     And sure 'nuff, can I just tell you that I accomplished this, that, and the other regarding my fun and free objectives and had time to spare. And at the end of the day, I felt at ease, grateful, accomplished, and excited for the next day.

     And time had once again become a treasure, rather than a trap.

Here Are 3 Nuggets to Help You Turn Your Time into Treasure Instead of a Trap:

1. It's best to do 4-5 grown folk intervals in a day. What are grown folk intervals They are what I like to call 90 minute time frames or windows. 

Plan to do a major task, and that task alone for 90 minutes. Then take a 30-60 minute break before you begin the next block. This even applies to housekeeping work, bills, rest, meetings, etc. 

2. Disable unnecessary social media notifications from your phone and only check email once every 2-4 hours.  

If your in my industry, of Hollywood entertainment, I know your mouth is on the floor right now. Because we have to basically respond to emails before you send them to us. 

But I've learned, that people will take over whatever time you hand over to them. But if you learn to manage your time consistently with a good work ethic, this is not an impossible thing-- to not check your social media and email every 5 minutes.  

Meanwhile, look up and talk to a real live person, or start working on those things that matter to your heart, you know, your dreams and such. 

3.  Lastly, plan your rest and fun time. And when you can be specific, that helps as well.
At the end of today I'll write my 4 grown folk intervals for tomorrow down on a piece of scratch paper, something like: 

- Write Blog Post / Handle Things Pertaining to My Blog 

- Fun Time - Watch Episode of "Once Upon a Time"

- Finish Reading the Current Book I'm In

- Work on Newsletter for Blog 

     My day will most likely end around 6PM, and then I can just hang, doodle, search the web, eat brownies, etc.

    All the while, not feeling out of control, and having a full day, full of such peace and freedom. It can happen to you too. #Cheesywink

Wisdom's Knocking:

Let your time become a treasure, rather than a trap.  

 ***

Extras: If you're one of my blog subscribers, I'll be sharing with you the article that shifted everything for me in regards to productivity. Of which my 3 nuggets are inspired by.

Haven't subscribed yet? No worries! Here's the link to sign up. Click Here. 

The Wedding Invitation Must Have Been Lost...

    

   

      It becomes ever so clear the weight and status of your relationship with "Charlie Brown" or "Susie Q." You once told people in the streets, "Yeah! I know them too, we're practically best friends." And you would smile cockily to yourself, because everyone wants to be friends with Charlie and Susie, but you were one of the special few.

     Status and friendship. What an interesting combination.

     I think it highlights our insecurities. You know, our constant struggle with our self worth. But when we see someone shining bright like a diamond, we want to bask in the glow. We want to at least catch a ray or two. Because perhaps we too shall be transformed.

     And that's what we really want. To shine. To feel worthy, to feel beautiful, to feel talented.

     And we try to squeeze our way into the inner circle of the popular, the shiny and the talented ones.

     Because for some reason, the dirt around our eyes has caused us to believe, that all we are and ever will be is just dirt. Forgetting that once the dirt is removed--the pain, the past, the disappointment, the fear of starting over again, that there's a diamond so closely underneath.

     All that time spent together with Charlie and Susie.

    Cookouts, parties, church, prayer times, family times, and even gifts.

    But why wouldn't you, Charlie and Susie be friends? You clearly are.

     There's all this documented history. It must count towards some unseen friend report card.

     Then comes the moment of announcements and celebrations.

     You leave quirky, fun and cute comments on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, reinforcing to the general public, "Yes, I told you, we are besties. Bask in my Almost-Diamond radiance."

     And then you notice, the date of their wedding is just about a week away and somehow your wedding invitation was hijacked. It had to be hijacked. The Post Office is probably on strike. And you picture the airplane carrying your Golden Ticket wedding invitation, having some weird malfunction and the belly of the plane opens unexpectedly dropping all of the mail over the Pacific Ocean, even though the wedding invitation would have been coming from the same state as yours. But these things can get complicated.

     It's now the day of the wedding, and the photos and comments regarding how beautiful the bride looks and how epic the reception is start streaming on all your social media newsfeeds. You're bombarded with the hard reality. Not just the clear fact that your friendship with these people was somewhat a facade, and mainly to yourself. But now you know without a shadow of a doubt that you weren't as brightly shining as you thought you were. You made no lasting impact and impression, so much so you were forgotten about. Which is probably worse than being cussed out to your face.

     And so it goes. Emotions.

     You know that you will eventually see Charlie and Susie again. Will you handle with grace, anger, confusion, disdain, bitterness, forgiveness, embarrassment, sadness, a pity-party, avoidance, denial... ? Clearly I've thought long and hard regarding this list.

     Well I experienced all, yes every single one of those emotions.

     It was a jarring wake-up call to say the least. Thinking you were doing things quite well, only to find out that you weren't. Not at all. Not in the way that mattered.

     And then I had to take a long hard look at my dashed expectations. My choices in friends. My motivation for certain friendships.

     Soon the spotlight turned on me. And I was definitely found with some fault. In certain conscious and even unconscious ways, I used my friendship with Charlie and Susie to make myself feel better, to feel important--to feel talented.

     I did have my genuine moments in those friendships, and they were lovely indeed.

     But now it was the time to truly be a friend to myself.

     Because once I'm a better friend to myself, I knew I would be a better friend to others, a much more authentic lover in all areas of my life.

     And what was preventing me from shining?

     I began to search this out through the writings of this blog in years past.

     And in the midst of this journey memories started to come to me, like:

My 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Fry, telling me that I shined like no other in my class when it came to my year long English journal assignment. She was the first person who I remember telling me there was a need and an appreciation for my written words. 

     So maybe I was forgotten about in that moment with Charlie and Susie, but that's okay, it was time to grow. It's not about sucking the shine out of someone else or finding self worth in someone else's shine, but it's about sharing the shine, collectively, and even contributing to it yourself.

     And for me the fruit of not being afraid to shine is now seen in the evidence of this blog and in those matters that I am passionate about of which I have the privilege of sharing with and speaking to young men and women on a regular basis.

     So when you feel forgotten about or left out, know that you are still worthy, you are still full of such potential,  you are still capable of shining, shining bright like a diamond.

Wisdom's Knocking:

Yes, the golden ticket can often lead you to unexpected and wonderful places. 

But often, when you don't receive that golden ticket, another invitation awaits.

An Ode to the Person I Dislike

     You would think that because I pastor sometimes moody and inconsistent teenagers that I would have hero-like stamina when it comes to my interactions with adults. But no, instead my sentiments to those over 21 is:  You're grown! You should know better by now. You should know yourself at this point in the game, but instead you're drawing lines of division through your behavior without any sign of remorse. And it's killing vibes everywhere you go!

     So clearly, you're seeing an area of my heart where I need to grow in grace and love.

     And I'm quite aware that adults often don't know as much as they think they do, especially about themselves. And yes, I'd want grace and patience extended towards me, if I was the vibe killer in the story.

     But as we wait for certain individuals to get a true touch from God, in that precious meantime, they continue to get on my nerves and irritate the life out of me.

     Sometimes I just feel like telling them:

I'm agitated by your lack of stillness, your confrontational style of being. 

You don't listen, you bark without hearing the completion of another's sentence. 

You don't know how to receive love humbly. You only gain self worth and importance by proving that you don't need anyone or anything, and by making sure others stay in their place. 

No one is allowed to shine around you, but you.  

You've mistaken your appearance of love-looking actions as the real thing.  

You force vulnerability on others, in order to subdue them, never offering a true vulnerability of your own. 

You're exhausting. 

Why must you act so friggin weird?? 

Your selfishness is nauseating, but we all smile around you, to stop us from slapping you. This is not a Pharisaical move completely, but rather, the immature level of our current love.  

     But then I realize...

     They are afraid, just like I was. Just like I often am.

     And oh, how the patience of God has rescued me a many times.

     I would have lived in a cave of despair if it weren't for the kind intentions of God toward me, always at the perfect time.

     And just as His hand has been on my life, His hand is on theirs.

     Furthermore,  I remember how David in the Old Testament, refused to talk dirt about King Saul, even when Saul went nuts and tried to kill David.

     I think David understood something about pain, that made him sensitive to the heart of a deranged King Saul. And if you read the Psalms, it becomes apparent that David had a deep emotional range that shaped his heart as worshipper of God.

     See, the fact that the one I dislike has the ability to irritate me, says something about me as well. Perhaps the need to control and provide a perfect atmosphere everywhere I go. Or that part of me that doesn't want to fully engage with pain. And with an interruption in peace, something in me gets scared, gets rocked. And my own strength proves to not be enough. This is a glorious and scary awakening.

     "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."  e.g. The root and history of someone else's behavior.

    And its funny what God does then. I don't usually see a change in the person on the spot, but rather, there's an immediate change in me, in my heart.

    Compassion where there wasn't compassion.  Eyes that are more open than they were before.

     And a trust that God will finish writing the story, if I will let Him.

    Yes. I am responsible for my heart and my actions.

    And you will be responsible for yours.

     And that is where rest can begin. It's not up to me to fix and change every single person I encounter, nor do they necessarily want to change. And I must find rest in that, peace in that, and not hold resentment.

     Wisdom would say, to love that person where they are at, but to love yourself just as much in the process. Which may look like not being besties with said person. And that's okay.

     But never wish for harm to come to them, only the best, only God's best.

     For we know, that everyone we meet is fighting a battle.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

-Ian Maclaren

My Mind is Tellin' Me Noooo, But My Body Is Tellin' Me.....

   

     Let's just get into it. A couple weeks back. I got...sensations.

     I was hugging a co-worker good-bye and I immediately noticed that he didn't try and embrace my upper back, but instead, he was near sensation station. Also known as my booty.

     You all remember the blog post of which a vendor that I had been working with straight up smacked and cupped my booty. Yes. That happened.

     Well, this wasn't that.

     This guy had unexpected swag. With this guy, his hands merely grazed the the top of my backside ever so gently. But he knew what he was doing.

     This was...how do I say...a pleasant surprise.

    I wish you could have seen my eyes. I wasn't trying to look euphoric, it just sort of happened.  And on top of that,  I'm almost positive my ovaries jumped.

     I know.  This all over such a small gesture. But can I just tell you, these small gestures become everything, especially when you are getting nothing.

     And then, the hug is over. I try to compose myself. I mean. It was just a hug. But afterwards, I needed a church fan.

     Okay.

     So shortly after the magician Mr. Cop-a-Feel had his way with me and we parted ways, I found myself in a very interesting state of mind...or body or something.

     My prayer throughout the week was straight up:

     Please Lord, help me to NOT make a baby. Amen and Amen.

     Luckily, there was no able body near me during my 'in heat' moment.

     That in itself was God's presence and answer and to prayer. #supertrue

     But an ill-timed awakening in my body was taking place, and it was proving difficult to robotically turn it off.

     One night in particular, I was almost positive I was going to have some weird porno-like dream upon closing my eyes and falling asleep.  But instead, I dreamed of something else in far greater detail.

     It was a play-by-play of flirtatious actions leading me into a new and real relationship with one of my current crushes.

     Sentiments were mutual between he and I. There was no hanky-panky, just honest to goodness "If you like me, circle yes" type stuff and the blossoming of our cute relationship.

     However, when I woke up, I felt claustrophobic -- not turned on.

     I felt the weight, the pressure and the responsibility of being in a relationship and all of a sudden it was as if someone had poured cold water all over me. #vibekilled

     Are you serious? I still have commitment issues?

     Or maybe its just commitment issues regarding him? At this stage of the game, what one thinks they know is blurry at best, and where one ends up winging it often proves to be genius. #trustGod

     But all of this depth explored, simply because someone grazed my booty.

     I'm also thinking about how no one has asked me out on an official date since Y2K. If you don't know what that is. That makes my point even more rich.

     Or how no one (Perverts and unwanted man gropers need not apply) has genuinely caressed the right side and left side of my face in their hands with gentle intention since 2001.

     We singles need affection daily, DANGIT. (And let me add: From people we feel safe with.)

     Isn't there something to be said, when babies aren't held and touched they are lacking in development in so many ways. I don't think we lose that as adults, I just think we suppress it or go haywire and then try to overstimulate for lost time.

     With that said, I'm not quite sure what else to do about my lack of affection and semi-awakened sensations,  other than to acknowledge it and write to you about it.

     Oh, but there is another temporary remedy...

     Tonight,  I'm choosing to not let my mind get too carried away with my current affection lack. Instead, I'm just baking brownies.

     Yes, it's true, I cannot wait until the day that I'm held and doted on.

     But until then I'm just going to eat the entire pan of brownies I just baked. #WhatSaySomethin

Wisdom's Knocking:

 Your skin like dawn
Mine like musk

 One paints the beginning
of a certain end.

 The other, the end of a
sure beginning.


 -- Maya Angelou, "Passing Time "

The Boo Framework

(Photo Features: Actor Michael B. Jordan & I)

This past weekend was interesting.

I think I broke a mold in people's mind.

You see, I've been single for...well, as long as most people have known me. Yeah, I'm that girl. You've never seen me with a boyfriend, you're pretty sure that I'm into guys, but you've just never seen me date. And somehow, without even trying, I've been put in that asexual/neuter compartment in your mind.

But last weekend changed a lot of perceptions, including my own.

I had the pleasure of meeting two very high profile, ridiculously handsome men. And I took advantage of the situation and wanted to capture the moment. Our faces together, in one concentrated frame.

I had no idea what would ensue afterwards.

The imagery of my face next to a man's face in this particular context was almost shocking to some people, while also bringing unexpected delight.

It was merely practice, ya'll.

It's funny, in my last post, I talked to you about my paper "vision board"--Well, I've also been a big fan of Pinterest, because it's basically like a digital vision board. Posting and collecting those things that inspire you, remind you, and challenge you.

Actor Michael Ealy & I

Well, I have a "Board" on Pinterest titled "Favorite Man S.W.A.G." - And both of these men that I had the pleasure of sharing a brief moment with, happen to be featured on my "Favorite Man S.W.A.G." board.

So I'd like to encourage us all.

To have vision.

Speak the vision.

And write the vision down.

It's practice and it's also preparation.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"And then God answered: 'Write this. Write what you see.
Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run.
This vision-message is a witness pointing to what’s coming.
It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait!
 And it doesn’t lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait.
 It’s on its way. It will come right on time.'"

-Habakkuk 2:2-3 (The Message Translation)