The Caleb Blessing

I’ve tried to start this post about 10 times in 10 different ways.

You know my intros into the current season of my life are always a bit jolted. And I was trying to find a smooth way to bring you into the land of my heart, full of its Joshua trees, valleys, mountains, and rainbows.

But the terrain is far too dynamic for a smooth takeoff of sorts, and so we begin here.

I was stuck in how to embrace this topic – this conversation the Lord and I have been having for about a year and a half now. Prior to today, I was calling this revelation an “anointing” of sorts, but the language didn’t quite fit the fullness of the experience, and thus the word “Blessing” erupted into my soul like a thunderous whisper.

  So I wanted to remind myself…What exactly does the classic definition of “Blessing” mean?

  Well…in case you were wondering:

“God's favor and protection.”

credit: Google Dictionary

And now I’m weeping.

Because I see more of God’s story over my life.

The purpose of it all. The love in it all.

  IN. ALL. OF. IT.

  I just don’t understand those that say they know God, but complaining is their native language.

  I’m bumbling over here in tears and gratitude. Almost daily.

Because He is THAT Good.

I’ve tasted and I’ve seen.

  And I want to see more.

But the last year, I’ve been ramping up, trying to save face. Trying to act like I was fine. Because I was fine. Everything was fine. You’re fine. I’m fine. We’re ALL JUST FINE.

But I was also bracing for my last year in my 30s.

Most of you knew this already.

Some of you thought I was fresh out of my senior year in college. Bless you for that.

  And others of you could care less. Thank you.

  But I’ve been vividly aware…

Next year, I turn 40.

  It’s something to believe in the promise of marriage and children when you’re 18, when you’re 21, when you’re 26, but there’s something revelatory and eye-opening when you choose to believe at 39.

To note, I’ve come across beautiful new marriages (first time marriages at that) from those that are in their 50s and 60s. And that is a whole other blog post – delving into the extravagant display of God’s love and timing.

And I also know women in good health, who’ve had their first babies in their 50s.

I know. You might be exhausted just thinking about that.

I know I was.

As much as I admired the miracle story and journey of these precious ones, I in NO WAY wanted that story for myself.

I had things to do and things to accomplish before age 40 (yes, I’m an enneagream 3 in case you’re wondering…)

And as I looked around to my left and right, I saw women my age killing it at as incredible wives and mothers. Or well established in their careers or vocation, on their way to buying their second homes.

And I simply would shake my head and ask God, “What happened?”

  What have I missed?

  What did I do wrong?

  When I was around 16 years old, I began praying for my future kids. Two in particular, a boy and a girl. Their names would fluctuate in my spirit, but I somehow felt as though I knew them.

  It wasn’t until later in life, around my mid-20s that I began to pray for my future husband.

  It’s funny, because I actually didn’t have a desire to be married while I was in high school. I had no understanding of it or value for it.

  I didn’t understand that sharing your life with another in such an intimate way, within the beauty of true covenant was much like a vocation – a divine call, a way to bring one closer to God, but to also to display God’s love to a world that is so starved for true displays of real love.

  I wanted in on THAT.

  And from that moment on, once that revelation hit my heart, I was all in.

It was a promised land of sorts for me.

But on the way to the Promised Land, is so important to not forget the Promise Giver.

  And He was so intentional about my heart and His heart being wholly connected to mine in the journey.

  I fought this.

  I tried to wrestle Him in this.

Just give me the land!

  But He kept bringing me back to Himself.

  He was taking Precedence.

  He proved over and over again that He was my true source of Joy.

  Before the babies, before the Bae, before the career, before the house, He would show me, that He was my truest champion, the realest Hope I would ever know.

  And that sounds so flowery and almost unreal, but it’s FACTS.

So how does that play out in real life?

It plays out in me saying yes to becoming a youth pastor as a single woman in my 20s, called to mentor, love and lead teenage boys and girls in their relationship with God and the purpose He’s called them to.

God was truly my sustaining Joy in this.

It plays out in me stepping out of my comfort zone, and choosing to start a small company and learn a whole new career path. And in the meantime, moving back to my childhood home to do so.

  God is most definitely my sustaining Joy in this.

  It plays out in me giving my grief to God about my father dying before he could see me married and him enjoying his grandkids whom he so lovingly joked about feeding too much candy to in the future.

  God continually sustains me with His Joy in this.

  It plays out in me having extravagant amounts of fun at my job, within the entertainment industry.

  God sustains my Joy in this.

  It plays out in my learning to country line dance and partner 2-step by myself, as a single Black girl, simply because I LOVE to dance and the connection it brings to my heart, as my dad was an avid country culture fan (Hi, John Wayne). And I truly do feel the delight and joy of the Lord when I get to dance.

  And even this, God is my sustaining Joy.

  In life.

  In the choosing.

  In the doing.

  God has brought me such supernatural joy – even in the midst of me not getting what I’ve wanted most in the moment.

  This has been my most holy and high calling thus far. And with the purpose of bringing me so much closer to a God that I have always been fascinated with, but also a God that I had the inner assumption that I could control in some fashion.  Or slightly believed that He was a God of my own making.

  But I’m learning, He’s truly the God of perfect wisdom and love.

  I’m holding the hand of Hannah on one side.

  And within the last year, introduced to Caleb on the other side.

  Let me introduce you to Hannah if you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting:

“Year after year it was the same—Peninnah would taunt Hannah as they went to the Tabernacle. Each time, Hannah would be reduced to tears and would not even eat.

“Why are you crying, Hannah?” Elkanah would ask. “Why aren’t you eating? Why be downhearted just because you have no children? You have me—isn’t that better than having ten sons?”

Hannah’s Prayer for a Son

Once after a sacrificial meal at Shiloh, Hannah got up and went to pray. Eli the priest was sitting at his customary place beside the entrance of the Tabernacle.

Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut.”

As she was praying to the Lord, Eli watched her. Seeing her lips moving but hearing no sound, he thought she had been drinking. “Must you come here drunk?” he demanded. “Throw away your wine!”

“Oh no, sir!” she replied. “I haven’t been drinking wine or anything stronger. But I am very discouraged, and I was pouring out my heart to the Lord.  Don’t think I am a wicked woman! For I have been praying out of great anguish and sorrow.”

“In that case,” Eli said, “go in peace! May the God of Israel grant the request you have asked of him.”

“Oh, thank you, sir!” she exclaimed. Then she went back and began to eat again, and she was no longer sad.

Samuel’s Birth and Dedication

The entire family got up early the next morning and went to worship the Lord once more. Then they returned home to Ramah. When Elkanah slept with Hannah, the Lord remembered her plea,  and in due time she gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, for she said, “I asked the Lord for him.”

 (1 Sam. 1-10-19 NLT)

I understand Hannah. We just get one another.

Needless to say, I legit cried on my birthday this year. In public. At a café. With my mom.

Tears flowing. Snot bubbles brewing…

  My mom feeling awkward and looking a bit uncomfortable, trying to find the right words to say. Bless her.

  But me knowing that nothing she would say could change the situation.

  Some folks just don’t understand the ache, or they’re afraid of the ache. Or some simply try to ignore the ache.

  But that’s why Hannah and I have been friends for almost 2 decades.

  She’s well acquainted with the ache. And it wasn’t seen as a stench in her life, something to get rid of, but rather an outpouring fragrance of hope and love.

Her story being told, preserved, and esteemed in Scripture, has brought such consolation and validation to my heart over the years.

  But last year, God properly introduced me to Caleb.

  I never thought much about him.

  In fact, to me, he was like the sidekick you can never remember in a good movie.

Yeah, I know you did stuff. But what’s your name again?

Be careful who you overlook.

They just might be the key to your blessing.

But I came across a verse in one of my daily readings about a year and a half ago, and my face basically did this:

I knew about Caleb because of Joshua.

Joshua was the superhero in the story. He was the predecessor of Moses--Huge, Huge shoes to fill.

  And Joshua was incredible. He was the kind of person you want running your family business after your gone. The integrity and courage that this man had is quite mind blowing when you think about it.

  But Caleb has his own story.

  My word.

  As does everyone in the Bible.

  They breathed, had real lives, real issues and encountered a real entity known as God.

  But there was something that Caleb said to Joshua that SHOOK me.

  But just as a quick refresher, it was Caleb and Joshua that came back from spying out the Promised Land and said that the land was incredible and that God was capable of giving them victory over what appeared to be legit giants in the land.

  But everyone else, the 10 others on that expedition – said the complete opposite. There was so much fear among the others regarding the giants in the land, that they basically convinced the rest of the people of Israel that it was all just too impossible.

  It’s amazing how fast fear spreads versus hope.

  And because of the hope that Caleb and Joshua carried, they would be granted the privilege of seeing and actually entering the Promised Land with their descendants.

  They would be the only ones from their “wilderness generation” to do so.

  Caleb and Joshua previewed the land and believed wholeheartedly who God was and what He could do for them in the midst of a larger than life Promised Land filled with giants.

  They didn’t actually enter the Promised Land until 45 years later.

  FORTY FIVE YEARS LATER.

  Did God give you a Dream, a Word, or a Promise?

  Have you been waiting for what seems like eons?

  Well you’re in good company.

  45 years.

  That’s a full grown adult person.

  45 years.

  New inventions and discoveries that change the world and culture happen within that time frame.

  45 years.

  I MEAN.

  And I here I was, feeling fear and trepidation-- and even shame in turning 40.

  I hadn’t accomplished all the things or received the promise of a husband, kids, or career success in my insecure timeline.

  And in our youth-obsessed culture, I was feeling as though I had missed out on my prime.

  All the 30 and 40 year old-somethings around me were already talking about how bad their bodies felt, and how unhappy they were with their appearances.

  And I was like, “Wow. So this is how it’s gonna be?”

  The Promise gets crusty.

  I get crusty.

  Everything just gets crusty and dusty and old.

  Really?

  And you’re okay with this?

  UGH.

  But I had nothing else to go off of.

  Nothing else to compare it to.

  Until…

Until, Caleb.

When I get to heaven, besides Jesus--Caleb will be the person I want to sit down and have a conversation with for about 10 years. And I can do that, because time won’t really exist, and 1,000 years is like a day to God.

But I just want to hang out with Caleb. And I want to meet all his family. I want to hear all the stories, straight from his mouth.

  Because Caleb is such a gangster.

  And ya’ll know how much I love a good gangster.

  Plus he’s loyal.

  I recently spoke at a best friend’s wedding earlier this year about the beauty of loyalty, especially in this day and age, not realizing I was also speaking to my own soul.

Loyalty truly does mean something in the economy of God.

Devoted, adventurous, loyal, and an incredibly passionate lover of God.

  Caleb, I see you.

  For the first time, I really see you.

  So what was it that Caleb said that forever wrecked the narrative of defeat and disappointment I had been playing over and over in my mind?

  Well, let me introduce you to my friend Caleb, at a key point in his life.

  The moment before he finally enters the Promised Land:

 “Caleb said to Joshua, “Remember what the Lord said to Moses, the man of God, about you and me when we were at Kadesh-barnea. I was forty years old when Moses, the servant of the Lord, sent me from Kadesh-barnea to explore the land of Canaan. I returned and gave an honest report, but my brothers who went with me frightened the people from entering the Promised Land. For my part, I wholeheartedly followed the Lord my God.  So that day Moses solemnly promised me, ‘The land of Canaan on which you were just walking will be your grant of land and that of your descendants forever, because you wholeheartedly followed the Lord my God.’

“Now, as you can see, the Lord has kept me alive and well as he promised for all these forty-five years since Moses made this promise—even while Israel wandered in the wilderness. Today I am eighty-five years old. I am as strong now as I was when Moses sent me on that journey, and I can still travel and fight as well as I could then. So give me the hill country that the Lord promised me. You will remember that as scouts we found the descendants of Anak living there in great, walled towns. But if the Lord is with me, I will drive them out of the land, just as the Lord said.”

 So Joshua blessed Caleb son of Jephunneh and gave Hebron to him as his portion of land […] And the land had rest from war.

 (Joshua 14:6-13, 15b)

There is sooo much in this that I could talk about, and I know you probably gleaned something fresh that I’ve never seen before.

But what continues to leave me awestruck is the fact that Caleb says:

  “I am as strong now as I was when Moses sent me on that journey, and I can still travel and fight as well as I could then.”

  Excuse you.

  Say whaaaat.

  You don’t feel dusty, crusty, and old, Caleb?

  And at 85 YEARS OLD, You don’t feel tired and defeated?

  You don’t sound entitled, bitter, or mean either, but rather, full of confident hope and love.

  AND you feel just as exuberant and full of life as you did FORTY FIVE YEARS AGO??

  How Sway??

Ohhh, sweet friend, that’s exactly what God is showing me.

  The blessing is in the journey.

  Because, you see, I often want to define love on my terms.

  But God is so gently course-correcting me, and defining love on His terms.

  This is how we overcome.

  Leaning into the life-giving love of God.

  Truly.

  And you and I need each other.

  And that’s okay to admit.

  In fact, it’s necessary.

  Because in the end, Caleb still honored protocol and relationship and asked Joshua for what he knew was meant to be his.

  The blessing— a portion of the Promised Land, although first spoken to Caleb through a supernatural word from God, was actually released to him through his friend Joshua.

  This is beautiful.

  I think this is apart of my life’s message and legacy.

The way in which Hannah meets Caleb in our lives. And the utter trustworthiness of God.

  And although their voices belong to different generations and times, both Hannah and Caleb speak so profoundly to our lives today.

  Their voices fill me with such compassion and kindness, and help to melt away the hardened places of my heart.

  So as I roundup my last year of being in my 30s, I want to be full of celebration and not despair.

I don’t simply want to expect something “Good”, I want to expect something “Great”.

  Because we serve a Great, Great, loving, awe-inspiring, incredible God.

  He’s led me down the path of His “favor and protection”.

  In not obtaining marriage, having kids, or financial success, as of yet (“yet” being key) or rather not having it all in my perceived perfect-accomplishing timeline, has all been God’s love and perfect wisdom in my life.

  I can begin to see His heart for me in this.

Now don’t feel the need to stroke my ego after reading this post, that’s not why I wrote this.

I wrote this for us.

Let God define and speak to you about your Promised Land and the current giants you might be afraid of.

Maybe it’s time.

Maybe you feel as though you are running out of time.

  Maybe you felt as though you blew it.

But what I’m learning from those that have gone before us, is that God is truly a Waymaker.

  Because no matter how long it takes, God has already taken into account the passing years, your mistakes, deficiencies and lackluster efforts – And yet factored in His love and incredible wisdom, to bring you into a place flowing with milk and honey.

GLORYYYYYY.

If I could encourage your heart in this: Don’t ignore the Hannah in you. The cry that validates the desire that God has placed in your heart. But never forget to trust God alone with the ache. Don’t try and fill or master the ache on your own. It will leave you weary.

In all your getting, get understanding….Understanding of God’s heart of love for you.

  For you specifically.

Because the one thing I’ve learned in the journey, is that the more I lean in on His love, and actually receive it personally for myself, I am propelled beyond just the hope of a promise, but into an eternal relationship with the very one who formed the heart within me that cries out for love.

  God is pouring out something over my life.

  It’s slowing coming over my head and making its way past my shoulders, over my heart, down my back, and covering my knees, and wrapping itself around my ankles and feet.

  It’s a blessing.

  And it’s informing who I am becoming.

I may not meet my future husband this year, or next year.

  And I’m not quite sure how the baby thing will play out.

  But I want to become more and more like Caleb.

  I’m not waiting to live wholeheartedly in the goodness of God.

  The goodness of God is here--right now.

And because of this goodness, the places of pain and shame in my life are being transformed into a healing balm and a river—a river that flows directly into the gift of my glorious promised land.

  Keep my eyes open to the truth of who you are God.

  And thank you for my new friend, Caleb.

  Yours Forever,

Patrice

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“But my servant Caleb has a different attitude than the others have. He has remained loyal to me, so I will bring him into the land he explored. His descendants will possess their full share of that land.” 

— Numbers 14:24

Someone To Watch Over Me...

I had the urge the other night to play Ella Fitzgerald’s “Someone To Watch Over Me” — her version with the London Symphony Orchestra.

Seriously. Stop right now, and go listen to it. It’s all the way magical and soothing and sad and inspiring and hopeful and beautiful. (Links: Apple Music or  Spotify )

And that’s exactly how I felt as I drove home around midnight.

  I’ve been waiting for something…for someone.

  My heart was awakened to a possibility last year and the beginning of this year. It was someone I would have never considered. And in perfect Patrice fashion, he had and has no clue…

  Therefore, I spent the last few months mulling over possibilities…

  As you know, I’m such a champion of romance. Not merely in its fantastical state but in its meeting and greeting us in the ordinary.

  And then in December 2018, something remarkable happened.

  But let me refresh the backdrop.

  My song throughout all of 2018 was: “Not if, but when…”

  God had met me in a tender place of vulnerability and whispered this phrase fiercely to my soul.

  I had reached another level of surrender in early 2018 – plain and simple I had given up on the idea of romance really happening for me. And through a series of fantastical events, I was beautifully reminded that the story wasn’t over.

  Yes, my heart was still aching, but at the same time it was being healed.

  I felt overlooked. But profoundly seen by God.

  And then in December of 2018, a close friend of mine texted me out of the blue to tell me that a prophetic person who didn’t know me and had never met me, called my name out in a gathering and said that I needed to be present at this gathering the following week.

  Let that sink in for a moment.

  A person I’ve never met before called out my name ‘randomly’ where a friend of mine happened to be present – just at the time I needed reassurance-- a heart life-line of hope.

  (Oddly enough, I didn’t even feel as though I was ‘looking’ for a life-line of sorts back in December – but now that we are here in March – I’m feasting off of that encouragement.)

  As much as I try to wrestle with God, I can’t deny that He SEES us.

  He knows us.

  Like KNOWS us.

  So I go to this beautiful gathering of God lovers, and what do you think I do….I try and hide in the back. Naturally.

  What happens midway through this event coming from the stage, “Is Patrice here? Is Patrice here?”

  *Picture me like a deer in headlights, looking to my left and to my right*

  And from the back I slowlyyyyy raise my hand.

  “Uh huh, I see what you’re trying to do. *smiles* But make sure you stay….”

  And so I did.

  And then when the attention was on me, I was simply asked, “What’s on your heart, that you’ve been asking God for?”

  And the first thing that flowed out of my mouth….

  “Marriage”

  and then secondly….

  “Wisdom and success for my new company Together Good Co.”

  And the reply I got, was simply, “It’s done.”

  Of which I knew the truth of that in my bones, even before it was said out loud. But it all seemed so impossible and hard to believe.

  But now—but now it was public. So very Public.

  Why was this so important that it had to happen in front people, especially knowing that I love being an introvert.

  You know why I think?

  I think the Lord knew in his amazing wisdom that I would need a public declaration of the promise spoken over my life, as a reminder to my heart…..I reminder that I couldn’t quickly dismiss or recant.

  Because now, somehow my little old love story has become bigger than just me. And the fact that you are reading this story tells me that.

  There’s provision for you.  Meaning that, the road is meant to lead you to a blessing that will fill you with hope as you wait for your good thing – AND joyfully receive and partake in your good thing.

  This inner dialogue of mine-- this romantic longing, dream and journey of sorts has now become an incredible testimony and proclamation, where others have now and are continually attaching their Yes & Amen to it.  

  A portrayal of beautiful providence.

  I couldn’t have planned out these instances and circumstances if I tried.

  I’m amazed.

  I’m amazed at the intentionality of God. The care to detail. The joy, the inspiration, the hope that is always present in Him.

  I left that night feeling seen and vulnerable in the best of ways.

  I had friends (that are more like family) present that night; and to know that they were there, just made the whole experience that much sweeter.

Sooo, with such a revelation, you might think I’m writing you to tell you I’m engaged.

  But lest we forget how this blog post story began.

  The person I had been considering for a few months, is by no means interested in me, and I’m not in the business of manipulating.

  And so I steadily wait.

  I continue to live honestly, passionately and with a sense of humor.

In the midst of that, I fondly think of my dad and the type of husband he was to my mother and I somehow become more blown away the older I get.

  He was truly a man of integrity.

And so, I’m driving down the highway, listening to Ella Fitzgerald, missing my dad a bit. And also longing for my future husband. There’s something to be said for a protective, kind masculine presence in one’s life.

  My dad was such a champion and coach of other people’s dreams. Including my own.

  I haven’t wondered much why I never ended up moving to Texas (as we all thought would happen over a year ago) at least the move is not happening now or in the near future.

  Because now I see, there’s been so much purpose and beauty in me coming home and staying in California.

  But I still had to take a step to move out of my previous comfort zone.

  And so I’m driving on the highway back home. Missing that masculine tangible comforting presence in my life and tears roll down my eyes as I hear Ella’s voice sing.

  I go to bed thinking…

  “Will he notice me…or will the man that stirs my heart be ready for me?”

“Is this even important anymore?”

  And I lay down frustrated.

  I wake up.

  No visions, no crazy dreams, no magical unicorns greet me with a message. And I go about my day.

  But at night, my mom had been going through another old treasure chest of my dad’s old paperwork--doing a bit of Spring cleaning.

  She calls to me and says: “Look what I found…”

  Amidst years worth of birthday cards I had given to my dad, both bought and handmade, there was an envelope with my handwriting on it.

  It was an envelope of cash.

  It was money I had given to my dad years and years ago to pay him back for something he had done for my car.

  A significant amount of cash that my dad had never taken out of the envelope and used.

  He simply saved it.

  He saved it.

  He had saved it for me.

  And it happened to be cash that I actually needed the day my mom handed it to me.

  Again, God in His kindness saying to me, your coach is still here, cheering you on, believing in your dreams and helping guide you to the man he’s always envisioned you to be with.

  Man, it feels good to have someone watching over me.

  Selah.

  x

Wisdom’s Knocking: 

“Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb

There's a somebody I'm longin' to see
I hope that he turns out to be
Someone who'll watch over me”

--“Someone to Watch Over Me”,

Songwriters: Ira Gershwin / George Gershwin

Calling - Ambition

I was just sitting there, taking in all the incredible speeches of the night.

Mostly, I was impressed that I showered and put on a skirt and some pumps—yes, I said pumps, because long live the fashion of 1986 thank you very much.

But even more intriguing than my fashion choices of the night was the event itself.

Highlighting those in the entertainment industry that have forged a way, while also holding firm to their faith in God and mentoring numerous folks a long the way.

Contrary to popular belief, some incredibly talented people behind the scenes and in front of the scenes in Hollywood happen to be true and solid people of faith.

So there I was, sitting in a crowd of people watching the next video clip that would intro the next recipient to be honored.  His list of credits were incredibly impressive, but when he got on stage, and said with gentleness and frankness, that there’s a difference between Ambition and Calling…

I was SHOOKETH.

He then went on to explain:

“The main difference is motive.

Are you just as happy to see someone else succeed in the area you feel Called…”

Um. Excuse you?

I know.

Stunned.

  Can we break that down for a minute?

  I mean, I literally had to stalk this man on Facebook, in order for him to clarify what I heard, because for some reason, throughout my decade journey of adventure in Los Angeles --the land of dreamers and perpetual purpose chasing, countless seminars, church conferences, and the like, I don’t quite remember a 3 hour talk of any kind, putting it out there as succinctly as this.

  I mean—the man could have ‘mic dropped’ after that statement.

  But he is much kinder than I am.

  Therefore, he elaborated and told some great stories. Of which I can remember none.

  But I still remember the reverberation of Calling versus Ambition.

  I know when we normally think of ambition, we equate it with drive and motivation. Like, do you have ambition in life to get out of bed, brush your teeth and shower?

  Or often, do you have ambition to do something significant with your life? And yes, the word “significant” can be a semantics playground.  But in essence, is your ambition self-centered, for the glory of self, and the edification of self, solely?

  Is it rooted in self-preservation?

  It’s this sense of “MINEZZZ”, when it comes to this thought of Ambition. And what’s driving you to actually want to succeed? Is it success for ‘success sake’? To prove worth?

Versus…

Your Calling which sounds more like, “OURS” – meaning, it’s something that you might possess as a gifting or a strength, but you are aware and willing to release it, to work at it, to share it, and have the capacity and freedom to deeply celebrate others as they succeed in the same field or career.

  Calling often goes beyond the borders of just a career or a job, but is knit closely to who you are and what you love at your core. It already whispers to you secretly, “Believe it or not, You’re made for this. You’re already worthy.”

  So as a person of faith, my first and highest calling is to God first.

  So any and all things that bring attention to Him in my life, makes my heart feel utterly complete and joyful.

  And when I see others showing people the true beauty of God, the sacredness, the holiness, the joy—I’m not stirred to offense or jealousy. But I’m thrilled.

  As Calling is being unveiled before me in my personal life, I’m understanding more than ever, how relational calling is--how heart driven it is, and how it actually does incorporate our dreams and desires, and what we are made for, but it’s not of our own making alone.

  I once prided myself on doing everything on my own. Not being a burden to anyone, by always trying to be self-sufficient. I thought that meant “true success and worth”.

  But that was me being stubborn and naïve (and yes, prideful). But I’m getting better.

  Reckless Ambition, tricks you into thinking you can do it all on your own. And sustain that pace for the long run. But Nope.

We all know countless high profile people that have shown us the results of trying to walk this out. It’s just not sustainable.

  So as I step more into my calling, this year, I realize it’s definitely a community effort.

  It’s a family thang.

  We need each other.

  And that’s part of the beauty of a Calling.

  You won’t be alone in it.

  It’s just so sweet.

  So for me, as I connect more behind the scenes with the Christian festival David’s Tent, I’m utterly aware of how precious it is to my heart and to all those involved. And how God, has taken such great care to lead me down the path of my Calling over the course of decades for it to actually make sense.

  I’m amazed at how’s He’s used everything from my university training, to my current career in TV production and events, to my odds jobs, to my love of prayer and pastoring teenagers, to my love of music, dance, and worship, to having family based all over the U.S. and U.K. to so many other details—

  It’s just all becoming so clear, that it’s all been a small part of my overall Calling.

  Hindsight of the journey will tend to uncover that for you.

  But as we close the chapter on 2018…

  If you’re clueless about your calling, don’t stress about it.

  Just ask God what the next step is meant to be.

  But steward your gifts, your talents, your skills, and your strengths well-- in the midst of your waiting, because you just never know when there’ll be a crash collision of you, your heart, and your beautifully awaited destiny.

.

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“Your word is a lamp to my feet

And a light to my path.”

-Psalm 119:105

The Cave

He has me facing the cave.

Facing the dark place that has enveloped me in such gross darkness, anxiety, and shame over the last 10 years.

Death.

How do we process and reconcile grief in its many levels and patterns.

We feel an eternal sense of being robbed when death occurs.

Which is odd if you think about it.

Something that is meant to be the most natural thing about life….as natural as being born, doesn’t quite feel right…doesn’t quite feel as though it fits.

Why do you think this is?

I think this is the case, because we were never meant for death.

Perhaps that’s a radical statement for you to hear, or perhaps it’s simply a reminder.

But here’s the cave.

He takes me back to the scene of the crime.

In order for the scene of the crime to never hold power over me.

It may seem painful and even sadistic at first.

But this is what he showed me before leading my heart into this place:

Isaiah 25:7-8 (TLB):

At that time he will remove the cloud of gloom, the pall of death that hangs over the earth; He will swallow up death forever. The Lord God will wipe away all tears and take away forever all insults and mockery against his land and people. The Lord has spoken—he will surely do it!

When God first whispered this to my spirit, it came in the form of a picture. I was out having my quiet time, and once I got still, I saw this picture of Jesus literally swallowing darkness – His mouth was the size of earth and the darkness was thick, but His mouth completely swallowed the flow of darkness.

This made me weep.

The scariest places that we are ourselves are afraid to go to, or are too afraid or prideful to express how fear choke holds us at night before we try and sleep.

But He went there, confronted, and defeated.

He WENT there.

  To your dark places. To my dark places.

To the misunderstood places.

The answers are not in us, but in Him first and foremost.

  That’s why abiding in His love is our life source.

“I can do nothing a part from the Father” – (John 5:19)

Love in community is powerful.

Love in submission to God is indestructible.

  Because true love never fails. It never dies.

  True authority in the heavenly realm---waiting for us, first laid out by the grace and love of God, also lies within our ability to abide, to rely on, to trust in, to get quiet with, to joyfully celebrate in, to dance with, to hope in, to confide in, to beseech of, and to listen to and look for God.

Do you remember the story of the blind man that was healed by Jesus?

The story in which Jesus spit in dirt, and rubbed the blind man’s eyes with it. And then sent him to a pool to go and cleanse his eyes in order to see.

  There are so many layers to this account, but what struck me years ago in hearing someone teach on this passage, was the fact of spit. Or rather, hearing the sound of someone spitting.

  This blind man may have heard spitting in a completely different context as he was known as a beggar and an outcast, basically considered cursed by certain cultural standards.

  I can only imagine what the sound of spitting may have sounded like to this blind man, as Jesus manifested a miracle in a very new and strange way.

But Jesus made the sound of spit anyway.

And the scene of the crime doesn’t end there…

This man was still blind until he walked to the pool and washed himself in it… (By prior instructions given to him by this strange Jesus fellow).

  This sounds a bit like a cave experience to me.

  But the story ends with this man being restored not only physically—being able to see for the first time in his life. But he was reinstated into community as well bringing healing to his heart emotionally.

And in the journey of going to the “pool” which happened to be a very specific fresh water pool, believed to be used by many ancient Jewish people partaking in a religious pilgrimage to the city--- showed the once-blind man, you are made whole in every way possible—even spiritually.

It’s not in avoiding the storm, the cave, or the pain that we rid ourselves of it. Although we may fool ourselves into believing that we are expert managers of our pain or have learned to control it…

  But no. It’s not in the avoiding.  It’s in the facing of it, head on—but  with Christ.

It’s in knowing that His presence is a real thing. Like more real than the breath you breathe.

  And that His love and goodness are just as real and tangible.

  It’s in knowing He’s already subdued every storm we will ever face and every adversary that will ever come up against us – And it’s in that confrontation that we actually become our true identity as overcomers.

He says walk this way, because I’ve already walked it.

  He says go this direction, because I’m already there.

  He tells me, Instead of going around the cave, let’s walk through it.

Because I’m already with you.

And I know how this will turn out in the end…

Wisdom’s Knocking:

 “Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death:

I will fear no evil, for thou art with me…”

-Psalm 23:4a

All the Brave Boys

I come to you today to simply get something off my chest.

  Now granted, I’ve been watching the teen movie, “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before”, all week long, and it’s got me in some sort of mood.

Like I want to be brave again.

  But also, I wanted to give context to what the men around me have been saying and doing.

Can I just say, that my favorite “line” thus far in 2018...said by a guy friend to me has been:

  “Girl, LOOK….. now don’t block your blessing…” As he slyly pointed to himself with a cheeky grin.

But I currently like the dynamic of our friendship. It’s lighthearted, fun, and low key.

Ahhh. Stop. I know what you’re thinking and where your mind is going---but nope. It’s not like that. Trust.

  And then there was this guy in college, who I for sure thought hated me. I mean, this boy would give me dirty looks, ignore me when I walked into a room, and would always try to avoid any type of eye contact or conversation with me.

  And of course this guy was extraordinarily handsome and all the girls effortlessly agreed.  #eyerolls

  And then one day, he had to drop something off at my dorm, I can’t remember if it was for one of my roommates or what.

  But what proceeded to happen…. had me SHOOK.

I straight up asked him, “Why in the world are you being so frosty to me? I’m seriously trying to figure out what I did wrong to you.”

  And then, like a scene out of “Love Actually”…

  He basically says, “Really? You don’t get it?”

  Now picture my face staring at him blankly.

  Um. Nope. I don’t get it?

  He then proceeds to tell me how beautiful he thinks I am, and how intelligent I am and how nervous he gets around me – and that it’s just easier to run than to face me.

UM.

EXCUSE YOU.

I’m SORRY. WHAT.

Is this even real life?

  Why yes.

Yes it is.

The hot jock is at my door telling this eccentric goofy girl he’s basically in love with her?

For the first time in a long time, I was speechless.

  Because,  number 1, I was not expecting that answer. And number 2, I was not expecting that answer.

I think I just kept mumbling, “Um thank you? Thank…….you….Thanks? I mean. Yes. Thank you.”

  We somehow awkwardly ended the conversation.  I wasn’t prepared to make out with him on the spot. I honestly had never thought of him in a romantic context, mainly because I thought he was a jerk.

  But months later, once I had time to process my heart and emotions towards him, he had already moved on, into a new relationship.

  Nevertheless, he and I remained good friends in college but drifted apart as the years went by.

  I bring up this memory, because it was probably one of the most beautiful, brave, and vulnerable acts, a man has dared towards my heart.

I know that sounds dramatic.

  But look, I’ve been watching a lot of teen movies lately. So this is what comes out…

  But seriously.

  Mr. Jock was so honest in that moment and he didn’t demand a response from me, nor did he try to veer me towards the response he wanted to hear.

He whole-heartedly took a risk. And was so kind to me in the delivery.

  I don’t think he premeditated his speech at all.

  In fact, I wasn’t meant to be home or actually open the door at all.

  It was all impromptu.

  What a beautiful brave man.

  Years ago, I had a hang out with a guy friend of mine, and we ended up talking all night long. Probably one of thee best conversations I’ve ever had with a guy. There was a spark, and maybe I’m delusional, but I’m almost positive he felt it too.

  And all I wanted was for him to be brave.

  We’ve remained friends to this day.

  But I sometimes wonder, what if he had been brave in that moment? How different would our lives be?

And yes, girls are brave too. Duh.

  But if you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you know my heart is to be pursued.

  I spend a majority of my life “producing”  via what I do for a living –

  Therefore, it would feel so incredibly special to me, to not fully initiate something on my own…or to “make someone love me”.

For me, there’s something about being pursued that feels like a warm blanket around my back on a cold winter’s day. It feels like rest to me.

  Plus, if you’re gonna be in a romantic relationship with me, you’re gonna have to have some “cojones”.

Yeah. I don’t know how else to put it…

  These are the traits I love in men:

 Humility

Confidence

Kindness

Bravery

So, if you have a crush on me, you have permission to tell me. 

Be vulnerable. Be brave. Be awkward. But SAY SOMETHING.

But if you’re not willing to be brave, let’s not fool ourselves. Stop having a crush on me. And end all your sentences towards me with “friend” and “sister”. (I need clear cut labels. Okay?)

Don’t leave cute ambiguous comments on my Instagram and feel free to not watch my life on social media--making me think you are potentially flirting with me.

Yes, I’m feisty and I’m vulnerable.

But you knew this already.

  In the end, I want us all to win.

  I don’t want us to simply choose what’s safe – because where’s the fun in that?

  I want us to never be afraid of adventures in God.

  And yes, maybe you’re just a boy standing in front of a girl…

  But I’m telling you, one act of bravery can change your entire life forever….And possibly for the better.

  But you’ll never know until you take that risk.

#Selah

So let’s be brave.

  Let’s have brave conversations.

And let’s choose to love in extravagant and ridiculously brave ways.

Now excuse me as I go back to watching the amazing screen chemistry of Noah Centineo and Lana Condor (To All the Boys I Loved Before). And smile at the swag and bravery, that a 20-something-year-old is currently teaching us all about once again…

Wisdom’s Knocking:

 "We dare be brave and suddenly we see 
That love costs all we are and will ever be. 
Yet it is only love which sets us free." 
~Maya Angelou