This is still a little raw for me, but I wanted to let you in.
You might have known that I took a 3 month social media sabbatical/rest late last year that carried into February of this year.
It was refreshing to say the least.
However, I did it mostly because I was feeling dread, defeat, confusion and hopelessness in regards to my own romantic love journey.
I had touted so bravely and earnestly that God invited me to wait “4 more years” in 2019 for what would be a love story so epic and extraordinary that it would be labeled MIRACULOUS. A love story that could have only been done by the work of God’s supernatural, gorgeous and strong hands.
And that is why 2023 held so much promise for me.
I stepped out of my comfort zone in more ways than I knew were possible for my heart’s capacity. Dating coaches, online dating, dating events, all while trying to stay anchored to who I was and what I truly desired.
But I knew, this whole big love story was meant to “prove my faith” to myself.
Let me explain that a bit.
After my “dark night of the soul” in 2006, my faith in God was never quite the same.
I was struck in a place so deep in my mind, body, and heart that I thought I might never recover from anxiety and fear.
Supernatural prayers from loved ones and spiritual mentors are the sole reason I’m a functioning and contributing human to society today.
But I still felt lonely.
God, you said, “It’s not good for man to be alone….”
My life partner was not on the scene, and so, I threw myself into local church community and allowed myself to be cared for, prayed for, hugged weekly and consistently.
In that space, and in utter weakness, I also became a youth pastor.
I loved love my spiritual kids and teens in a way that truly taught me about Christ’s “agape” love.
I had nothing that I felt was concrete to give in and of myself but my presence, my humor, and my weakness. I needed to meet God as much as those teens did.
I saw and experienced bonafide miracles. Things that cannot be explained by doctors or science alone – but were as real as you reading my words in your brain right now.
And yet, I still wrestled with the mystery and love of God. Of Jesus.
I couldn’t receive it all.
I was stubborn.
Resistance.
And tense on the inside.
But I continued to do the “good Christian girl” things: Church, serving the community, volunteering, praying, reading Scripture, worship, smiling at people who gave me the side eye, etc.
Habits are often mindless,
While disciplines are often mindful.
Yet, I believe God uses it all.
Yes, love is in the giving of your heart away,
And love is made complete in the receiving of it consciously and intentionally.
Why is it so hard for us to receive love??
We crave it.
And yet we resist it –
Both simultaneously.
It’s a weird math equation.
How do you know when you’ve truly received love?
You can acknowledge it with your mouth.
Not just your heart.
God has been ever patient with me. With us.
My image of God shrank to simply a “side kick”.
But I wasn’t acknowledging the power and expanse of God – how entire galaxies can fit on the tip of God’s finger. And even that analogy still falls short because God is beyond size and measure.
And it is this expansive God who I have encountered personally as a young girl, who revealed Himself explicitly and profoundly through this incredible miracle, man and savior we call Jesus.
The name holds weight.
And yet, He’s so secure and not afraid of our wrestle.
How??
I’m afraid of my wrestle.
My family is afraid of my wrestle.
The church is often afraid of our wrestle.
But He…He is not afraid of our wrestle.
And for over a decade, I’ve been wrestling around the expanse and mystery of my Great Love.
There is so much backlash in the world.
So much unbelief.
So much doubt.
And yet, He is ever patient with me. With us.
It’s the mystery for me.
It’s the kicker.
You mean, I can’t know all the reasons why??
I won’t be able to figure it all out on this side of life??
Even if I do this, that, and the next thing – it’s not a guarantee for me to “unlock the mystery”?
Oof.
But faith – trust, is the door that opens the portal to the supernatural. And to eternal wisdom –
Whoa. That’s heavy man.
And what helps us to trust and have actual faith amidst the mystery?
Yes.
Love.
And so where does my heritage of love take me, invite me towards?
Those have been the questions I’ve been holding and wrestling with consistently for over 15 years.
And so, instead of confronting the Expanse, I agreed to a tangible miracle that would help me shake-off the mystery of this great God.
If God could do something seemingly impossible, I could believe wholeheartedly again that God is real, loves me, and is for me. I could let love back in – the way in which I felt loved by God as a little girl.
The idea of my own love story had become the foundation and means for my faith.
I couldn’t accept the mystery of God until I saw, like Thomas, hands shown to me.
And so I bet everything “on black” in 2023 –
And the miracle didn’t arrive.
I was just as single as I had ever been.
And now, I had no where else to turn –
No attractive, strong man’s arms to hide my own avoidance in.
It was now just me and God.
Face to face.
My heart broken.
When I returned to social media in February of this year, my first post was titled: “I WAS WRONG”.
I shared my own embarrassment of writing publicly and believing that God was going to do something crazy and amazing in my love story by end of year 2023, only to be left sincerely confused.
I had seen God do crazy supernatural things for others.
Even with folks I had prayed with and for.
Like some stuff that would blow your mind. (One example among *many: Doctors confirming that several women I prayed with and for could *not get pregnant. It was a fact. It was science. The data didn’t lie. AND yet these women would later get miraculously pregnant, and now I have pictures of some of those babies on my phone as a reminder that miracles do legitimately happen – more often than we think…)
But somehow, I had gotten it all wrong for me.
How??
But I think the answer is coming to me as I face the Expanse.
It’s the place the God has been waiting for me to get to, after all these years.
He’s not afraid of your brilliant mind or your thoughtful questions.
But I think we are afraid of our own hearts encountering a real God.
A true and mysterious God who highlights Jesus as vital.
After I shared the, “I WAS WRONG” post – the wrestle continued and so did grace.
So much grace.
Maybe I’ll share more about that on a future podcast episode. (And yes, the pod will be coming back this year ;)
But man, the GRACE.
Can we just revisit the definition of grace right quick?
Rather, the Bible’s definition of grace: “undeserved favor” – It can’t be earned and it is freely given to us by God.
God’s heart posture towards you always, in this moment is that of GRACE.
And now, I’m going to fast forward past fun and touchy facts like:
I won’t be teaching a film class at university this Fall – my class was inherited by a lovely, more tenure professor and there was some apprehension about my current teaching methods – however, 75% of my students from my last semester connected positively with me and the material and I was able to turn one student into a film “minor” – Well folks, my job here might be done. But teaching at the university level was one of the great gifts of my life.
How do I *succinctly answer, “What do you do?” – I don’t have that figured out yet, if you have any suggestions, please let me know. This is what I currently do for various means of income: TV/Live Events Dressing Room Supervisor, Certified Christian Somatic Coach for Highly Creative & Achieving Women, Content Creator for my Patreon, Instagram & Facebook channels / And this is what I do for free: Podcast Host, Prayer Team Volunteer, Trainee for Spiritual Care Team at Church, Country Line Dancer
So of course, I’ve been wrestling with WHO AM I??
It used to be so simple.
When I was 11, I told people I wanted to be a lawyer.
It sounded prestigious and succinct.
I like the clarity of titles.
But when you are a “creative” it’s like, please never ask me what I do at a dinner party, I’m still so confused myself…and in many cases, making less money than you think I am.
So all this talk and chatter has been swirling deep in me for the last few weeks.
I was just beginning to muster up enough courage to try and hop on a dating app again (I haven’t been on in 6 months…)
But I had questions like, “What do I actually bring to the table as a woman in a romantic relationship besides student loans?”
WHO AM I???
But love has a way of calming you down, speaking truth to you and truly reminding you of who you are.
There’s mystery and beauty in it all.
When God is present.
And so, I decided to ask a trusted guy friend of mine to share what he thought I might bring to the table as a woman for a future partner.
I wanted to know my strengths but also my blind spots of goodness, weakness and shadows as seen from the perspective of a man.
My heart had been in a drought.
And I’m honestly not sure what compelled me to be so bold to ask him the question -- Other than, I really wanted to know his answer, because he is smart, kind, and honest.
When I first read his answer, I ugly cried for a good 20 minutes.
It was the kindness of God to me in that moment.
Words that I wrote in my journal years ago about the type of woman I prayed to become, were reiterated back to me in that text message.
And I simply wanted to treasure it.
My healing work had produced tangible, noticeable ‘fruit’.
I’ve asked him permission to share some of that text with you and he has graciously agreed.
Ya’ll this is just too good:
“I think the shortest way I could possibly describe you as a woman is that you are a safe space. You as a person have single-handedly created that for me. You are so obviously kind-hearted and welcoming and wholesome, you’ve just exuded it from the moment I met you. I knew you’d never judge me and you’d love me for who I am and I could trust you with my whole heart. All of these things have proven true over time but I got this overwhelming sense from the very start that’s the kind of person you are. You are my biggest hype woman and number one fan, you always shower me in compliments and it’s so uplifting. But the thing that ties it all together is how authentic you are. You’re incredibly vulnerable and honest and confident so I know that none of our interactions are insincere. I truly feel that you’ve meant every nice and loving thing you’ve ever said about me. I get the sense that comes from you being so well grounded and secure in who you are, it has eliminated any jealousy or competition or deceit from your being. And I think that is the most valuable thing anyone can provide a man. In my experience it’s incredibly hard to be vulnerable and open as a man, that’s just not how most men are raised to be. It takes a lot of work to develop that skill and it’s something I’m very much working on in my own life. But the right person can make it so much easier and you are one of those people. For a man to know that no matter what goes on in the world he will come home to an uplifting and supportive presence means more than you can imagine. Creating a safe space to be authentic is immensely valuable.
I think the above captures your biggest and best offering as a partner, but I would be remiss to not mention just a few of the other things…”
I know the immediate thought you might have now is, “When are you 2 getting married??” – That’s a natural and good question. However, I’m not in control of that.
Honestly, I’m still open to meeting and dating other guys that match and/or exceed this level of emotional intelligence, felt safety, kindness, and generosity.
Not every connection is a love connection and that’s okay. But the connection can still hold deep value.
And to note, he’s not the only safe and kind guy that I know – I know, I might be a little bit spoiled here. And yes, kind and smart guys with depth might seem rare to you, but they are not extinct. I promise you that.
Good people still exist.
I promise.
And so now, here I am.
In the Expanse.
Slowly letting God’s love in again.
The mystery, the pain, the faith – and the love.
God may surprise you with the way He uses love to break down your walls and get to the true heart of the matter.
The main story line was never about my future husband.
It was always about what I truly and deeply thought about God.
Letting Love in is looking quite differently than I thought.
But I think it’s finally beginning again…
Wisdom’s Knocking:
We love because He first loved us.
~1 John 4:19 (ESV)