I’ve tried writing to you many, many times before this attempt.
But as I would come back to my drafts, it all felt like dry analytical facts. Information that I was giving you, but in essence hiding behind.
What was really going on with my heart, what was I hiding? That’s the real treasure I wanted to explore with you.
So now, I’ve had a small beat to let my heart speak.
It’s in that land of ‘hope deferred’ and ‘I don’t know if I care enough to keep this thing going’. Those seem to be the constant states my heart is oscillating between.
The feeling and sentiment is a bit numb and whiplashed.
Why is it when you feel like you are minding your own business, with no expectations on the horizon that something appears out of the sky like an elaborate shooting star.
I had settled into the idea that love and romance may never happen to and for me.
I could have easily stepped into a lackluster dating relationship like yesteryear, but what I’ve been captivated by is inspired by the strong friendships in my life that are steady and simply feel like home.
I’m wanting a romantic relationship that feels just as passionate and peaceful as the texture of those unique friendships in my life.
I’ve met a handful of men over the years that exude a bit of that ‘steady & at home’ vibe – but they’ve all preferred to be friends on the outskirts of my life, enriching my life in occasional friendship, while also making it very clear to me that there is no romantic interest on their part..
And then there are the men at church who are 60+ and are feeling a bit of a resurgence of their youth when they see me. These men vacillate between wanting to be a grandfather figure, full of wisdom and advice while also throwing in a cheeky comment or two on my beauty.
These grandpas are also quick to mention any guy they see around my age and that I might show an interest in, are ‘not quite good enough’ for me.
Now there could be truth to what they are saying about any given man, but I also find it highly suspect in certain contexts and a tad bit discouraging in my overall love journey.
So back to the shooting star.
After my heartbreaks of 2023 and subsequent ‘Jesus-inspired’ dream of December 2023 (where I was invited to simply look at Christ’s face, allowing Him to meet me in my shock, awe and disappointment and simply let His words do what they do and wash the grit and heaviness - but there was no resolve in the dream. No answer about my future love walk and love story. Marriage or no marriage? I dunno. I woke up from that dream like. Um. Thanks, Jesus?)
Meanwhile, I still felt like I completely lost the plot.
I’d been sharing with you for years prior, about my bold expectation for 2023 (meeting my future husband). And when that all fell apart and crumbled, it made me question how I hear God, His story and purpose for me, and how I could move forward authentically.
I felt like a dead woman walking.
How could I trust myself?
I was also beyond embarrassed.
Nothing was as it seemed to me.
I knew too much of the goodness of God in my life to completely walk away from God. But He wasn’t giving me any solid answers. And those around me looked at me with a tinge of confusion and fear in their own eyes, quick to share everyone’s classic rote Christian answers. Ignoring their own grief and unanswered questions.
I do distinctly remember one friend looking at me with eyes of empathy. Not pity. Empathy. I could tell in her eyes she knew what it was like to be in the land of “desire and disappointment”, “pain and promise”. She offered me no answer or resolve, but simply stayed with me in the conversation we were having.
In that moment, I felt seen and held.
And that was enough to get me through that week.
(Don’t worry, we’ll circle back to the shooting star in a moment)
Since my own heart and romance debacle of 2023, I’ve since tried to keep my head down in the realm of romance.
I was back on a dating app for January 2024 only to be ghosted for the 145th time.
However, I whole heartedly believe that you ‘cannot miss the right person for you.’ I’ve seen wayyyy to many miracle romance stories. It’s not even funny.
I’d rather have a soft heart that still feels, than a barricaded heart that is calloused, suspicious, and part-time numb.
So this is the price I pay.
To feel.
To stay alive.
Pain and grief.
These are the sexy parts of romance that everyone would like to skip over and that they don’t tell you enough about.
I feel a bit like the ‘woman with the issue of blood.’
I’ve spent time and money, via matchmakers, dating coaches, a reality TV show (yes, you read that right…), church mothers, church fathers, conferences, books, courses, international trips, and the list goes on and on, to try and be ready for love, found by love or find love…
Many of these options were steps of faith, well-intentioned, or just downright crazy.
But I was always down for the adventure.
I was always willing to step out and do those things that gave me butterflies and made me nervous. In fact, I still love adventure…
But sometimes you get weary on the trip.
And people cheering you on in a marathon is not the same thing as someone who provides you with water at the exact moment you need it…
I felt like I needed water.
And I thought I was about to get refreshed.
I had a guy friend pop up on the scene in late December 2023.
It was unexpected and easy.
I actually enjoyed just being around and with him.
And immediately, I thought…”Uh….oh”
Cue the song…”Feels…”
He wasn’t someone I had previously been romantically attracted to, but I was physically attracted to him.
Do you know what I mean?
Meaning, he was gorgeous, however, I could sense we would not be a match romantically for the long haul. We were just in different seasons of life, along with so many other things.
But the more time we were spending together, the more my heart was opening up to the possibility…
I was feeling refreshed.
Until, the classic ‘I’m in love with my ex-girlfriend’ line came up…
And the water bottle was yanked out of my hand.
Valentine’s Day 2024 was my own ode to heartbreak and disappointment.
I took this photo shoot in one of the most raw emotional states I’ve been in recently. I allowed myself to be seen in the tension of confusing sadness and ‘almost-hope’.
Meanwhile, I’ve witnessed more of my sweet girlfriends and clients step into relationships, get engaged, and even married.
How does one hold that kind of tension?
The answer for me…
“Not alone.”
I knew I could easily fall into a depressive state if I didn’t have someone nurturing and tending to my own soul story. I quickly hired a faith-filled somatic (body-integrated) coach and a counselor in January 2024.
To my leaders, creatives, ministers, alpha-females out there please make sure you are getting soul care monthly. YES. Monthly.
So to add insult to injury, the guy I had a crush on at church (and had a few weird, almost-romantic, pseudo-prophetic dreams about) in a very blunt way, ignored me when were at the same local restaurant and later told me that it would be best if we would only talk at church. Letting me know in no uncertain terms that he had no interest getting to know me in a romantic context.
Noted.
But dang. That stung.
And I’m still thirsty…
But then work begins to do what it does.
Church begins to do what it does.
And before I know it, I’m just living. Still reeling a bit from all the unknown and unanswered questions of 2023, but I’m living very grateful and content.
Each month, since February, I’ve been taking 2-3 days away on a mini-vacation. Giving myself space and peace. Visiting new cities, eating good food, sleeping in, reading, and watching an obscene amount of the cult classic, “Murder, She Wrote”.
These trips have been so healing for my heart and for my sense of adventure.
And in the last city I visited, I saw two shocking things.
The aftermath of a woman on a bicycle hit by a car, unconscious and covered in blood.
And a shooting star.
These strong images are powerfully etched in my mind.
And somehow I feel like they represent how this season of life has felt for so many of us.
That day, I could feel something eerie in the atmosphere.
I distinctly remember praying for protection moreso than I usually do.
To boot, I had some strange people encounters that day (ie: a man trying to follow me around in a market…thankfully security had an eye on him as well)
However, my heart and mind were a bit more focused on reconnecting with an old friend that night who I hadn’t seen in over a year.
“Friend” may be more of a generous word. Acquaintance might be more appropriate here.
But he has always been someone who exudes a bit of ‘steady & home’ to me.
I had always been curious about the rest of the story. But our interactions were always overshadowed by a group dynamic or other friends that longed to get to him first.
And my M.O. in those scenarios used to be… “slowly back away…”
I would always bow out of the competition. I figured if a girlfriend of mine had an interest in a guy, I’d let her go for it and cheer her on. And if a certain guy didn’t take an effort to chat with me, I figured he just didn’t have an interest in me and that was okay too. Yes, I’d be a bit disappointed about it, but I would learn to let it go.
However, after all these years, I still wanted to know what made him tick? How did he get to where he is in life? How does he feel about God? Jesus? How did he get to his conclusions? Or does he not care about a spiritual life? What does he value? And why? Do we have the same sense of humor??
Let me pause here.
It’s come to my attention that the man who chooses to be with me has to face his fears.
He has to wrestle with his own questions.
Staying stagnant and mediocre when it comes to life and love are not on the table with me.
And I realize, that many men are not ready for the depth I want to swim in.
Yes, many want it.
But they are not necessarily ready for it.
Vulnerability is a freaking scary thing.
It’s only easier for me because I’ve been exercising this muscle with you here for well over a decade.
But it’s still not easy for me.
And so that night, I reconnected with this sweet and kind guy friend.
The presence of him somehow made me want to melt into his chest and arms.
It all felt a little too cozy.
I was doing my best to check in with how I actually felt and to not overly-romanticize the moment.
No. We did not make out.
However, I would not have been against it…
It was all above board.
Almost too above board for my liking.
But I did notice some things afterwards.
Many of my guy friends, would ask me to text them when I get home. To make sure I get home safely.
This sentiment is something I am now accustomed to and spoiled by. Similar to how certain men ask if they can walk me to my car if I’m leaving a dance spot late at night.
My Acquaintance made no such request that night. Which made me think, ‘Is he aware? Does he not care about my safety?’
Which helped to clarify how important the role of ‘protector’ is for me.
It’s true, seeing him that night somehow felt like a shooting star, but there were other things to consider.
And plus, we were just acquaintances.
I would leave that night feeling a little dizzy with possibility.
But also not wanting to make a mountain out of a molehill.
I simply left that night with a stinging afterglow.
Stagecoach music festival was coming up soon.
And I was going to be dancing on a stage in front of thousands of people.
I wanted to keep my heart open to the possibility that love might just see me there, find me, and hold me.
And it did…just not in the way that I had expected…
Wisdom’s Knocking:
“We have calcium in our bones,
iron in our veins,
carbon in our souls,
and nitrogen in our brains.
93 percent stardust,
with souls made of flames,
we are all just stars
that have people names.”
~Nikita Gill, “93 Percent Stardust”