Photo Credit: Zo Renteria
I caught myself today. I almost fell into depression. It's amazing how fast it can happen.
Tragedy or disappointment strikes--real or imagined. And you feel like you've played all your cards and there's no possible way to win. You just feel like giving up.
My day started with an awful recap of a Zombie dream that I had last night, of which the dream ended in absolute devastation. Truly, it was one of the top 3 worst dreams I have ever had. And as a side note, when I dream, it's vivid, it's real. I can feel, smell, touch, and live every moment of it. Grief is amplified, joy is amplified, fear is amplified, touch is amplified, as well as as the feeling of love.
Needless to say, this particular Zombie dream was not full of love. It was full of the victory of Darkness completely winning. It was the stealing and raping of the innocent with no justice prevailing in the end. Lurking in the distance was just a sense of staged sympathy of distant bystanders and observers.
I had so many questions when I woke up this morning.
A few were about the dream.
But the majority of my questions were directed towards the recent events that unfolded in the last few days.
My choice this morning was to either go numb regarding the whole issue or wrestle it out with God. I decided to listen to my own teachings. I once shared with the teenagers of the youth group that I lead, that wrestling with God is a brave thing, and also a sign of intimacy with God.
God is not intimidated by us or our questions or our wrestling. In fact, in order to wrestle with someone, you have to be in close proximity. And in wrestling our heart's frustrations out with God we are choosing to be connected to Him instead of running away.
Oh, how badly I wanted to run away.
But I knew that I wouldn't find peace or my answers by doing so.
In these last few weeks, I had a dream come true. Literally. A person that I had dreamed about almost a year ago, but had never met in real life, suddenly appeared.
I was pretty much thrown off my swag game to say the least.
As I prayed and asked God for wisdom concerning this person, I heard no definite answer in my spirit. But my heart was already becoming vulnerable towards this person.
Long and short of it:
It was only my heart and not his that was becoming vulnerable.
And it was in that realization, that I began to feel the walls of disappointment rising up around me.
A dream like the one I had of this person, doesn't just come to me every day, or even every year. This particular dream was highly unique and special.
And here I was, just days ago, writing about how meeting this person was somehow a "Prelude" of sorts. And clearly I had defined in my heart what type of prelude it was to be.
Now I understand that the story is not fully played out and fully written regarding this person. But there are moments in the journey of being expectant for good things that you somehow get weary, a bit tired and perhaps even cynical.
Today, I felt, if I heard one more well meaning person tell me, "It's almost time--almost here." I would without hesitation and any guilt, punch them in the face. Probably twice.
Therefore, my point of wrestling today mostly centered around, when will it stop being almost.
Excerpt of my prayer time with God:
If this isn't suppose to be a cruel joke, then just stop it. And give me clarity and wisdom. Amen.
I know that may sound a little bit raw, but I didn't bother cleaning myself up before I prayed. I just jumped in, and let Him clean me up. He's better at it than I am anyway.
So what were God's closing words to me today, after I yelled, cried, spewed sarcasm, and my best cynicism at Him?
He simply said: "Everything Sad... Is Coming Untrue..."
Sometimes the outcome of wrestling with God is simply peace and not a direct answer. Peace that surpasses understanding--quite literally.
Peace. It may actually be the answer you need first, before anything else.