"I often like to train in the desert..."
There are two things in this world that continually motivate me to write:
1. The Karate Kid (1984) movie
2. Fleetwood Mac's "The Dance" album (1997)
I don't know how this continues to work in my life, but I'm not going to fight it.
And as you can imagine, The Karate Kid movie is indeed playing in the background as I write to you.
It's only fitting.
I'm wresting with this current season. My current situation.
Let's see, how can I catch you up to speed on things?
I'll start from the middle and end up somewhere at the beginning. Yes. That sounds perfect.
I'm still in the midst of my glorious singleness vow. Today, was the first time in a long time, that I wept because I didn't have someone to share my burden with. Someone to hold me and simply say, "This next big step will be worth it."
It's a funny thing. The thought of being in a relationship now seems so foreign. But my heart was awakened for a brief moment a few weeks back. I allowed myself to almost dream, but not quite. My mind and heart was still reeling from the shock of a fake dating scenario gone awry. Most of you already know what I'm talking about.
But here came someone from my past.
Could it have been you all along? Was I really meant to walk out this cliché?
He was too wounded.
And, frankly, I was too tired.
And then came another dream.
I'm not even kidding.
In the dream, my mom and I are in my living room. She is pleading with me to wait until APRIL. She is panicked in the dream. I calm her down, and simply say, "Fine. I'll wait. I hadn't planned on marrying anyone before then anyways." She was so adamant in the dream. She kept saying that he was coming from out of state...just for me..." And then I woke up.
Our subconscious can be dangerous breeding ground for a setup, or also full of heavenly anointed messages. It's always the deciphering of which is which, that gets me stuck and frustrated.
And then a good friend of mine has a dream about me and my future husband boo on Easter. The details of her dream haunt me and stir something I don't want stirred right now.
And then another friend, whom I haven't seen in years, prays for me and he's not 5 minutes into the prayer, before he starts to say..."God is bringing you...a friend...a special friend...Well, you know..."
And somehow these prophetic assaults of sorts makes me think of all the things I haven't done. All the things I want to do. I don't know if that's my defense mechanism or what. But in the last month, I've been extremely conscious of time. And how limited it is for all us. And at the same time, we all have the same 24 hours in a day. From the president, to the firefighter down the street, to Oprah, to me, to you.
I just start thinking about life in general.
Because I'm moving.
Literally and figuratively. And I don't really want to. But I need to.
I still feel like the new kid sometimes. Awkward. Not quite liked enough. And a weird communicator.
And now I have to adapt all over again.
But don't we all.
90% of our life's journey seems to be built around the word resilience. Or as I'd like to call it, resurrection.
Getting back up after falling hard.
It always feels a bit dangerous and stupid to hope.
But then I start hearing that song...
Plus, at this point, I don't know any other way.
I've kept myself busy with work over the last month. Work has a wondrous way of being the best distraction. And I, for almost a month straight, became camouflaged in the lights, cameras, and hype of my profession. It served as a strong distraction, but never fully covering up the inevitable But now that the dust has settled, I'm feeling pinches of pain.
The pain is by no means overwhelming, but just hurtful enough to know that I still care about my dreams and the hearts of those around me.
And I start to hear that song again...
But there are so many things that are not fair. So many things that I don't understand.
But there are also so many things that are beautiful, and so many things that are rightfully in their place.
I long for more of that sort of symmetry in my life.
The type of symmetry that causes everything in its midst to be beautiful. The type of symmetry that makes people look at your life and simply say, "Yes. And Amen."
And that song continues to play, even when I don't have all the answers...
When I don't want to fight, when I don't think I can...
You know the song I'm talking about:
"You're the best!...
Nothing's gonna ever keep you down!..."
And surprisingly, after hearing that chorus about 10 times, I've become okay with facing the open-ended future...
So to my ever so sneaky future, I know we may be off to a rocky start, but if you give me anymore lip, I may just have to Karate Kid you in your face and show you what I'm really made of.
Because until now, I've just been on my "Wax on, wax off" game. (Thank you, Mr. Miyagi)
Of which we all know now, was simply preparation...
...For the true moment of triumph.
Thank you, Karate Kid, thank you.
"If we did all the things we were capable of, we would literally astound ourselves."