This morning, I was listening to an awesome message on "How to Get Married" by the amazingly funny Alyn Jones.
Because see, last night I hit a bit of a rough patch. My body was tired and so was my mind. And my default setting went into, "I miss my man", "I wish my man was here" mode. And then I started feeling sorry for myself, and as I lay in bed, I just started weeping.
I do love my sensitive heart and that I chose not to be a calloused non-feeling individual. There's freedom in that. But I don't just stop there in my own emotions. I ask God to show me what the heck is really going on with my heart.
Truth be told, that week I was beating myself up a little bit. Or a lot a bit. I felt this immense pressure to perform and accomplish something great. To prove to myself that I could. But I was becoming miserable in the process.
You know when you have a crush on someone (or you're in an unhealthy relationship), and you so subtly start morphing into the type of person you think they adore, all the while, losing a real sense of who you are distinctly.
Well ever since coming back from Europe last year, I had this sense in my spirit that my future boo would be in his life stage of true purpose and passion. Living and doing the thing in which God created him to do. Knowing and feeling this brought me a great sense of excitement; but it also stirred me with a bit of jealousy. I mean what would or could I possibly bring to the table?
I know that question seems a bit silly. But I also know we all feel inadequate at times, simply not enough, while the exact opposite remains true. You are enough. But here I was in the midst of feeling my own emotions, which happened to be betraying me.
The point of conflict rested in the fact that I'm in a season of reset and transition regarding my God-given calling and purpose. I've begun a new dedication to this blog with the goal of reaching and encouraging as many single women as I possibly can, writing short stories, working on a book, finishing a script, and saying yes to speaking opportunities (especially involving single women) beyond the youth group that I love.
But prior to this year, I had gotten quite comfortable simply doing my work in television and tending to my small youth group. Awesome, purpose-inspired, and honorable work indeed, but not the last chapter of the book.
So here I am carrying this seed of things to come, and yet everything is not in its place, not yet established, not even close--and that feels very unnerving to me.
In the past, I've always known my 5 year-10 year plan. And when meeting guys then (College, Graduate School) it was easy for me to share where I was going in life and how, in specific terms, I would add value to their life. #letmeupgradeu.
But now, I feel incredibly vulnerable in terms of destiny and my contributions to a rich marriage.
I have vision indeed, but communicating that at the moment is proving a bit difficult because I'm still interpreting the language of destiny and purpose for myself.
My writing, my voice, and the stories I love to share through this blog were becoming polluted with the pressure I was putting on myself to be great for you, great for him, and great for me.
But those things (My writing, my voice, my stories) must never be used as platforms to affirm that I am a whole and worthy person. These are simply outlets. Gifts to be given, to myself and to others. God has already declared our eternal and astounding worth. So much so, He chooses to enter into relationship with us. #pause
I had forgotten all of this. In my hopes of impressing myself and any potential suitor, I was putting on layers of performance, and the yoke was becoming heavier and heavier. Resentment was building in my soul, and my trust towards others was diminishing, especially my trust towards men and my future boo.
So as I continued to listen to Alyn Jones teaching about preparing for marriage. My heart was getting healed. Alyn had also said a similar phrase that CeCie mentioned, in my interview with her a couple weeks back:
"Everybody has eyes to look, but not everybody's using their eyes to see."
And that's where I stood. I was becoming cynical about men. I expected to see a man that would be disapproving about my current transitional stage of life, and view me as unworthy and too unappealing to risk being in a relationship with. Because that was my own apprehensiveness.
And ladies, you'll find what you seek. Or rather, you'll project your fears on every guy that tries to honestly and respectfully approach you.
I've learned that cynicism quickly becomes toxic, giving birth to dishonor and later despair (A hint as to why some of the women in your life are "Bitter Bettys"...#imjustsayin) which act as walls between you and the opposite sex.
So just as I realized I was dealing with a bitter, fearful, and cynical heart, It was then that Alyn starts talking about forgiveness and honoring the opposite sex. He then walks the listeners through a prayer of forgiveness and healing, where he stands in the gap for all men that have dishonored us as women. It was incredibly powerful. (The men weren't left out either, and were led into a healing prayer by Alyn's wife, A.J.).
As I said the prayer, the heaviness in my heart began to lift. And hope began to arise once again. I felt more like myself than I had in weeks. My identity was being restored once again. And the Lord was proclaiming so kindly and sternly, "You are enough. You are so very worthy. And everyday-- I'm SO PROUD OF YOU."
And with that profound revelation, my eye sight was restored.
You'll find what you seek.
Where have all the good men gone? I promise you, they're still out there and a lot closer than you think (Fathers, brothers, friends, cousins, etc). Often the good men are right where you left them.
But on that romance tip, when you're ready, truly ready, don't worry--God knows a good man who can and will find you.
Don't let cynicism towards yourself or others,
blind your heart from recognizing true love.
(The famous line is at: 08:35 in the clip below. xo)