To my heart:
I'm sorry you had to see that. Another man basking in the warmth of your province. Taking up your time, allowing you to be vulnerable. And offering no commitment in return.
Yet again, I've become the warm comfortable place for men to hold and keep their secrets safe.
But who will keep mine safe.
Hook, line and sinker.
It was my own fault actually.
I'm only responsible for managing my own emotions.
It's funny how we get outed by our own secrets. And how things have a way of becoming exposed.
What's that wonderful quote? "If you don't want anyone to find out...don't do it." Yeah. That.
Because inevitably, I always end up walking right into a crime scene without trying.
Right into the midst of your secrets.
No. I didn't sleep with an escort.
No. I haven't gone on a single date yet.
And yes, my heart was ripe and ready for love and he didn't even notice...
And no, you don't need to beat him up.................yet.
Now with all that said, with the sad violin overtones, I need you to know--this is often what a threshold feels like.
It feels like the complete opposite.
The opposite of what the promise is meant to actually feel like and actually be.
I literally got the 1-2 punch today regarding the subject of romance.
I felt rejected and stupid for reserving my heart for and liking a man that doesn't wholeheartedly like me back, and a bit embarrassed by my own vulnerability-- albeit, not regretful.
Oh my heart, I know you are still gasping for breath.
And I too feel a tad bit hopeless--or rather tired. As I've gone around this mountain only a hundred times before.
But this is often what a threshold feels like.
It's a "Going Through", it's a "Passing"--a Doorway.
We won't stay in this place for long. No, not long at all.
Granted--Old wounds may be touched and stung on the way out of such a doorway.
Because, it's the leaving of the old, the routine, the failing regiment (trying so hard to remain)--and entering the new, in all of its newborn splendor.
It will be messy, but it will be good.
I feel like you and I are about to hit an array of new beginnings.
Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, is happening in less than two days.
And now, I think I'm ready.
I'm taking a deep breath.
I'm closing my eyes.
I'm counting down.
Don't be deterred dear heart.
There may be a kiss waiting for you on the other side...
“For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning."
- T.S. Eliot