Yes. I'm a virgin.
For those of you that are new to the party. You can get caught up: Here.
I'm prepared to do this thing alone. I mean. Without a partner. Without a helpmate. Without sex.
But I DON'T WANNA.
I think back to my blog posts from 10 years ago, and if you were to tell me then that I'd be in my nun state of existence now at this stage of life, I would have probably said, "Get behind me Satan!!!!"...
Are you guys familiar with the 5 Love Languages? Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch.
Can anybody guess what my top 2 Love Languages are?...
Yes. Of course.
Physical Touch....and Acts of Service.
So with that said, physical touch (healthy, good, and welcomed touch...) is one of the key ways my love tank gets full. That--and when you help me accomplish a goal or a task. Again, it's this whole idea of not feeling alone and just out there as a single girl--and human...
Now most people think I want to be touched all the time. Um. Not true.
Unsolicited back rubs from strangers or forced hugs from people at church don't necessarily fill my love tank up.
But rather, it's this sense of looking me in my eyes and truly seeing me, and truly seeing what I need in that moment.
I love doing this experiment of sorts to people on a Sunday morning at church.
Not everyone is ready for a hug--or rather, a hug from me. But when I engage them, really look into their eyes and hear them, I can better asses what their heart is craving in the moment, and I do my best to accommodate.
I've been mulling over the current picture of my romance story as it stands now. And it's beautiful and it's painful. I've promised myself to step out this month in some intentional ways--and to hope against hope.
Meanwhile, my sexual frustration got the better part of me, and I could feel my thought process being influenced by my fears, rather than my hopes--and in the knowledge that God is actually a Good, Good Father.
Let me explain that more.
My heart has always been for the fullness of romance and not just merely the physical.
But in the last couple of weeks, I've found myself so disappointed in all the "youth" that has slipped away from my body. Years that I could have been enjoying good sex--but instead. I'll never know what it's like to have sex as a 20 year old. A 25 year old. A 29 year old. It feels so weird to say. But it's true...
I mean. My top love language ya'll....
But then I came across this quote on the internets:
"It's all about the person you miss at 2pm when you're busy, not 2am when you're lonely."
Well, well, well.
Look at you internets, dropping life nuggets.
And then it hit me.
I was focusing on the lack, rather than the already present blessing.
I was only seeing the physical aspect of romance, and not the heart condition of romance, of which I've been in preparation for this whole time.
My ability to be honest and vulnerable has been honed over the last 10 years, as I've shared with you all, my ever so erratic though process, and at times my overly emotional state of being.
But on this journey, I've gained peace of mind and peace of body---something you just can't buy at a 5 and dime store. These things--this kind of inner peace often comes through blood, sweat, tears, and surrender. Of which I've had in masse over the last 10 years.
But what I've gained....Oh what I've gained....
So yeah, I had a crush all summer long. He didn't make moves. And I finally came to the point where I asked God to make it clear...was I wasting my time or was this something He was truly guiding and breathing on?
Cut to: I was wasting my romantic time...
And yes, lessons are being learned.
I'm being schooled again.
When a man loves you. He let's you know.
Done and dusted.
Meanwhile, I have amazing friends that pray for me, love me, let me rant, let me cry, let me say stupid and fitful things (Like the REAL text message between my friend and I shown above...and yes, I'm in the blue...).
And then will quickly remind me... "I'm worth it."
This my friends, is the mark of a true purity plan: Accountability. Love. And GRACE.
For all my singles out there. I know the journey is a lot rougher than most people would love to let on. But believe me when I say, with God, you are so much stronger than you could even believe.
He knows and pays ever so close attention to not only our needs, but our desires.
Don't be afraid to tell God where you're really at...in all things...He's not afraid of you...
My virginity is in no way an idol for me. It's not something I often talk about. And it's definitely not something I lord over people or even the teenagers that I've youth pastored over the years.
But it is something beautifully important to me.
When I first chose this lifestyle, I was 16. I loved God. And I loved my body. It was that simple.
Plus Scripture mentions the power and the beauty of sex within covenant...
I wanted that. I wanted to experience God at His Word.
And yet, my top love language...
Was God being cruel to me...or revealing something to me...?
I think the latter.
Of which I'm still deciphering.
But there is something of eternal weight to all of this...
2pm vs. 2am....
Today is a fresh start for me in many ways.
My heart is still open. That's the only way I know how to live.
Romantic dates may or may not be happening...
But I'm prepared to do this thing alone if need be...
Without a partner. Without a helpmate. Without sex...
“I learned that I was never alone, that there was Someone always very close by and, indeed, within me, giving me strength in times of weakness and desolation, light in times of darkness, joy in times of great sorrow and pain, and the will to struggle on when continuing seemed futile.”
― Joseph F. Girzone, My Struggle with Faith
Oh. And curious as to what Sozo refers to in my text message...?
"The Sozo ministry is a unique inner healing and deliverance ministry in which the aim is to get to the root of those things hindering your personal connection with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit."