disappointment

We've All Been There...


Photo Credit: Victoria Clemmons


"All In My Head" 

 [Verse 1]

I see you with her and it crushes me inside 
Guess I should stop thinking about you all the time 
Maybe this is what I needed maybe this is a sign 
Maybe I've been blind to reality baby tell me 

 [Chorus] 

Every little glance my way 
Every time you wanted to hang 
You seemed so interested 
Could you tell me was it real or was it all in my head 
Was it real or was it all in my head 

 [Verse 2] 

She's so pretty you two look so great 
Time for me to move on now it was probably just a silly crush anyway 
But I just cant help but think that we, we could've had something 
Have I really been blind to reality baby tell me 

 [Chorus] 

Every little glance my way 
Every time you wanted to hang 
You seemed so interested 
Could you tell me was it real or was it all in my head 
Was it real or was it all in my head 

 [Bridge] 

Was it real or was it fake? 
Was it all a mistake? 
Boy, I just gotta know was it all in my head, all in my head? 
Did you ever feel the same? 
Was my mind just playing games? 
Boy, I just gotta know was it all in my head, all in my head? 

 [Chorus] 

Every little glance my way 
Every time you wanted to hang 
You seemed so interested 
Could you tell me was it real or was it all in my head in my head 
Was it real or was it all in my head


----

Tori Kelly- All In My Head



So, the conclusion that I'm coming to...is that it was all in my head regarding my summer dream guy. It's a shame. I created a fabulous love story in my head. Ha. But I trust that God has a better one in store. Now I'll go and remind myself of the basics... that when a guy likes you, he lets you know. Patrice advice circa 2011. Check it: Click Link.




Wisdom's Knocking:

With God, you have the ability to be braver than you feel.



And Big Plans

     Photo Credit: Christina Sees

     It's currently 9 PM PST as I write this. Therefore, I still have a few more hours left of 2011. Let the contemplation and self reflection continue. This year, I've shared more with you than I ever have in previous years. You've been with me through all the ups and downs of faux romance, awkward scenarios and awakened dreams while following my blog. Thank you for toughing it out with me.

     In these last few hours of 2011, like many of us, I had to face the Hallway of Disappointment: No, I didn't write to you everyday, as I had set out to do in the beginning of this year. No, I didn't meet and marry the man of my dreams. And no, I haven't finished my feature length script yet.

     Doing a year review/recap can be a bit sobering (Γ  la, depressing), but not if you factor in the grace and mercy that has accompanied you along the way.

     Sure, I didn't write to you every day, but I did write to you every month and I was painfully honest.  True, I didn't meet my husband boo yet. But I have met some amazing and kind men this year, that will definitely give him a run for his money (And yes, I currently have a new crush--Ha). And although my feature length script isn't finished yet, it is still in progress. In fact, I've registered my outline with the WGA to keep me motivated and focused.

     As a recovering perfectionist, it's still hard to come to terms with my failures, whether they be big or small, but in 2011 I've made huge strides in learning to forgive myself of my many shortcomings and to allow for growth in those sensitive areas.

     But mostly, the Hallway of Disappointment is just that, a hallway. It's not a wall. In fact, it's not even a picket fence to keep you trapped. It's a hallway, leading you from one place of seeming defeat to a place of clear and ready victory.

     The hallway is necessary. It keeps us humble. It keeps us honest. It makes us appreciate the riches that we will soon encounter.

     I look forward to stepping out of the Hallway of 2011 into the steady heartbeat of a ready and fulfilling 2012 with you.

     Amen.




Wisdom's Knocking:

Let go, Let go, Let go...and Let God.



99 Problems

     

     I'm a freelancer. Which simply translates to the beautiful fact that I do not subscribe to 9-5 job. I'm free to be an artist, a mentor, a writer, a director, a dancer, etc. Doesn't it all sound romantic. Indeed it is.

     But let me also paint another side to this portrait. I'm a hustler.

     If anyone tells you that being a freelancer is easy, they are on some serious 1985 cocaine.

     Being a freelancer is not for the faint of heart. It takes a person of ridiculous, crazy, and often stupid-looking faith to walk out this career path successfully.

     It takes discipline and moxie. And it takes vision and drive. And it always, and I mean always entails the virtue of humility.

     As one decides to pursue one's dream whole-heartedly, there will be great sacrifice. For me, it came in the form of my residence.

     In order for me to successfully pay off student loans from film school (Think "Mortgage Payment" and then double that), to not have a typical work schedule, and to follow the dreams God placed in my heart, I made my permanent residence back at my parent's home a few years back.  What? Yes, after living on my own for 10 years in the Los Angeles area, I trekked it back home (Which is still fairly close for work and such). At first I was so ashamed. But now, I'm incredibly grateful.

     But let me tell you. As a freelancer, there are those seasons where you feel like completely throwing in the towel. Often times it's "Feast or Famine", which can swing you in all kinds of directions emotionally.  I recently had one of my "Famine" seasons. There just wasn't enough money to go around. And I had run out of my hustler strategies. I cried. And cried some more. And then I went to the library.

     I needed a new strategy.

     Apparently I wasn't the only one. Go visit your local library, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about after being there for 10 minutes.

     So I go to the library, completely broke, but I find some great books on financial budgeting, etc. So I go to check out my books, and I discover that I had been framed. A book I had returned months prior in the outside "Return Bin", had been mysteriously misplaced (AKA "Missing") and my library card was temporarily suspended and now I had a nice charge for a book I didn't even get to own. I couldn't even get a free book from the library.

     Yes. I cried some more. In the library. Next to the homeless man talking to himself.

     But the librarian had mercy on me and allowed me to check out my books.

     And today, I just booked a gig for the month of December through January. Praise!

     And I'm still steady working in October and November. Not fully enough to cover all my bills, but definitely enough to get things crackin'.

     With that said, I'll continue to be diligent with my financial budgeting and persistently believe that the best is yet to come. I'll continue pursuing my writing, my T.V. production freelancing, my mentoring of teenagers, and naps in the middle of the day.

:::

     And to you my fellow dreamer: I know I have painted a bit of a scary picture. But I want you to know that I am more fulfilled than I have ever been in my life. And I didn't have to do this all alone. And neither will you.

     I have been surrounded by a beautiful community of artists that are walking out a similar journey to my own in their respective fields of music, photography, dance, fashion, business, life coaching, filmmaking, etc. And we continue to encourage one another when the pendulum swings in a direction we weren't necessarily prepared for.

     So, don't get discouraged if your artist's journey is looking more like a Broke Down Palace situation. I have full confidence that God will bring you through. And surprise and delight you along the way.


Wisdom's Knocking:

But what we lack is far less meaningful than what we've already gained.