The Almost Magician & The Could-Be Queen


     My dreams and hopes are made up of somewhat ridiculous, fairytale-like material.

     And you know what, I love that about myself.

     Yet I often loathe it at the same time.

     It's hard and I mean HARD believing in miracles.

     And yet we were made to be dreamers.

     My heart's been on a bit of a roller coaster in these past 2 weeks.

     I attended a beautiful wedding by myself.

     BY. MYSELF.

     This was probably the 4th or 5th wedding in the past couple of years that I've attended by myself.

     So naturally, at the end of the night, leaving the wedding reception, and walking down a dark pathway by myself to get to my car, I broke down and cried in my car for about 45 minutes. No big deal.

     As I'm sniffling my way down the 5 Freeway, I happen to catch a shooting star. It was blazing and it streaked in a type of slow motion, ending with a fizzle of bright lime green light.

     I thought it was beautiful and cruel.

     Yes. One of my favorite signs and wonders: A shooting star.

     Cruel:  There was still so much unresolve in my own heart.

     Here I was encouraging love and standing with love just hours prior, and yet I felt so dejected and void of love. I felt like some weird hypocrite of sorts.

     A preacher of romance with no romance story to tell.

     It's so very hard believing in miracles.

     But yet we were made to be dreamers.

    The pain of being a dreamer at times can feel quite tangible.

     My heart truly ached.

     And I could feel myself just going through the motions of living.

     But then later that week, the tide turned dramatically.

     Thoughts and words and names of people I would say with the least bit of conviction and faith, would somehow become present in my path.

     It was like I would randomly say: "Disneyland, Red Dress, and Diana Ross" in a sentence one day. And the next day, someone would give me tickets to Disneyland and a T-shirt with Diana Ross on it with a red dress on.

     It was all too surreal.

     The clues were everywhere, but what the heck did they mean?

     So yes, miracles were still happening---Just not the ones that I necessarily understood or even wanted.

    Because now my heart was becoming even more vulnerable than it already was.

     And if I were to fall from this height...I imagine it could be somewhat fatal...

     But the signs and wonders continued. And my path mysteriously crossed with some key people in this time frame. It was mindblowing and refreshing to say the least.

     I could feel my heart being renewed.

     And I looked up to God and simply asked, "Can I keep these things? Can I keep him?"

     And there was silence for quite some time.

     So I asked again.

    "Can I keep these things? Can I keep him?"

     And it was like my spirit knew what was coming.

     "Let go."

     But why would I see a shooting star? To simply see it pass? How mean and cruel.

     "Let go."

     But it all seemed so perfect and in my favor. Plus, I'm always letting go. When will I finally get to hold firm?

     "Let go."

     And so, my resistance lasted less than 24 hours.

     And in an instant, I chose to let go.

     And in letting go, I found myself in my most dreaded place: "The Almost"

     I hate that place. I want to throw rocks at it.

     Being so close to the very thing you've always imagined you could have, only to be told, "Hands off--Not yet--Surrender and let go."

     Yes, something feels very cruel and out of order in the midst of letting go. The same type of cruelty of a dying meteor that goes through our atmosphere in a blaze of glory. It's last bit of life showing us something beautiful in the midst of its dying.

     And I think that's what God was trying to show me ahead of time.

     That there's beauty in the letting go, beauty in the breakdown.

     And if we allow Him into this sacred space in our hearts, He will prove to be the miracle we need.

     He is renewing our strength, our hearts, and our ability to believe.

     Because something is happening. Something beautiful is actually forming.

     Not just for me, but for you as well.

     Because the breakdown and the letting go is not the end in itself. It truly is unto something with purpose.

     It's positioning us towards the fullness of the miracle in our lives.

      I wasn't asked to let go in this particular instance because I had done something drastically wrong (as far as I was aware). But rather, it challenged me to trust beyond my own ability to make something happen. And to truly taste and see that God is faithful and good through it all and to let Him author this miracle of romance I've waited for, for quite some time. .

     Believing in miracles is often hard on our hearts.

     But you and I were made to be dreamers.

     The signs and wonders in the midst of our daily grind are absolutely important in this season of life and not to be ignored. But they are not the main plot point in this story. These humble shooting stars of confirmation are simply showing us we are stepping in the right direction.

      And what does my grand dream and miracle entail?

      Quite simply put: Love.

     I want to love well.

      I don't want to be afraid to love with my whole heart. And it starts now. Not at the moment I meet the man I choose to marry. My love begins now.

     It starts with my trust walk on the daily with God.

     It continues with my letting go.

     And it is inspired by shooting stars.

     To my could-be, would-be, almost lover: You will bring constant peace and a sense of home to those that have the privilege of being your captive audience, and I have no doubt you'll be an amazing father one day.

      And to my future self: You are a Queen. And I'm so glad you waited and Let Go. Thank you.

      And to you:

     We are almost there Beloved.

(Now don't punch me because I said the word "Almost"--)

      But remember--God is on our side.

      And He will get us to the other side.

      Past the land of Almost and Could-Be

      Into the world of it Shall Remain.

      Breathe deep.

      We were made to be dreamers.

      And miracles still happen everyday.

Wisdom's Knocking:

"So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown"

-- Frou Frou, "Let Go"

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