Hands Off

     Photo Credit: Evan Kaufmann

     I'm trying to do my best not to mingle where I don't need to mingle. So far, I'm doing pretty good. Like a B-

     But I can feel that ever so subtle manipulation gene try to activate itself into my producing works of some sort. This applies both to my romantic life and my vocational life.

     Sometimes, when you get pushed up against a wall you mostly want to at least throw punches to say that you've given some proper effort. But instead, I'm meant to close my eyes. Which yes, feels incredibly awkward and backwards. You mean, I can't waste energy with one little punch in the dark? Alright then.

     And I closed my eyes today, and I sang songs to myself. And by nightfall, something miraculous happened. Provision.

     I love how things appear when you are not even thinking about them. But if you think too hard regarding those same life changing things, they seem to evade you.

     It's as if, those things are telling you to stop making them your sole purpose for living and learn to love living now--so that those things can be as they were  meant to be. Complimentary Additions.

     Additions to the ultimate blessing you already have. Life.

     Today I was thinking about that guy that I have a current crush on (Of whom by the way is making no romantic pursuits towards me in any way shape or form. Ha), and I totally forgot of my freelance hustle and fear of not having enough provision for this month as I pursue my dreams. As I daydreamed about this kind gentleman, Provision softly walked to my door and dropped a treasure chest with my name engraved on it.

     It's funny what comes to us when we are a bit aloof. And when we choose not to throw punches when our backs are to the wall...



Wisdom's Knocking:

You don't have to make everything happen.



Blah, Blah, Why?

   Photo Credit: Joshua Bell  

     Why is it that the men folks you don't want attention from try to holler at you every five minutes. And the one you want the attention from stays hidden in the silence.

     So yes, clearly I'm bad at hiding this from you. I have a baby crush. No. Not a crush on a baby. Gross. I just have a small crush on a certain man person. This to shall pass.

     But until it does, I'm trying to limit the amount of internet stalking time I devote to my new crush.

     I know. I'm so predictable.

     And yes, I've already cyber stalked this individual to the max. I was hoping to find something cringe worthy, but I only found evidence that makes me love him more. Bah!

     But then there's that one rule that I've created for myself. It's the silliest thing, really. But I've always wanted my future boo to introduce himself to me first. I guess in a way, I wanted to feel swept off my feet from the get go. I'm usually the outgoing person, introducing myself to everyone first. Always putting myself out there first. But for once, I wanted a man to be humble and assertive. And approach me first.

     So meaning, I automatically deem a guy in the "Friend" basket if, upon our first meeting, I had to approach him first and introduce myself, as if making the first move.

     In turn, that's exactly what happened with this particular guy I'm talking about now.  I didn't mean to, but out of my own excitement and wayyyy too much caffeine, I took the more assertive role of introducing myself to him, and at the time, I had sort of already put him in the "Friend" basket. But I quickly realized my misstep after I shook his hand and looked him dead in his eyes. Oh crap. I could feel it coming on.

     The crush.

     It was pretty much immediate. But I had convinced myself that I had cancelled out and disqualified myself from anything romantic with this guy, because I broke my own "Introduction" rule.

     I know, sounds a bit like sabotage and some weird self preservation habit that I'm akin to.

     Nevertheless, I'm trying to be open, real, vulnerable, and expectant for good things to happen. Even if those good things look different than how I think they should look.

     And I know you're wondering who this guy is and how well we know each other. Well, I can't reveal much now, but I can tell you that he and I have a variety of mutual friends. So in any event, we'll be friends. Awesome. Because I need more good looking, amazing and kind guy friends that think I'm amazing, but not quite amazing enough to date.

     Wow, I sounded really bitter there. Pray for me.

     But in other exciting news, I'm going to a Golden Globes after party tomorrow night? I feel a bit like Cinderella with the whole thing. And I also feel like it's going to be amazing.

     I'm not convinced that I'll meet my Prince Charming there, I'm just really excited to dress up and eat fancy cupcakes. And even if Prince Charming happens to show up, he better introduce himself to me first...before I introduce myself...




Wisdom's Knocking:

The intersection of promise and fulfillment is surrender.


I'm More Liz Lemon Than Robin Givens

     

     I think the post title is pretty self explanatory. Unless you've never seen "30 Rock" or heard of Mike Tyson, in which in both cases, go ahead and hit up that Google.com.

     So yes, I'm more Liz Lemon than Robin Givens, and I'm learning more and more to be very okay with that.

     And now future boo,  we'll find out if you are...


Wisdom's Knocking:

Don't try and become someone else. No matter how strong the crush may be...
The goal is to become more yourself than ever before.
To flourish in who God has made you to be.

True love, you see, will cause you to blossom in the best of ways.
Allow yourself to be loved.


And Big Plans

     Photo Credit: Christina Sees

     It's currently 9 PM PST as I write this. Therefore, I still have a few more hours left of 2011. Let the contemplation and self reflection continue. This year, I've shared more with you than I ever have in previous years. You've been with me through all the ups and downs of faux romance, awkward scenarios and awakened dreams while following my blog. Thank you for toughing it out with me.

     In these last few hours of 2011, like many of us, I had to face the Hallway of Disappointment: No, I didn't write to you everyday, as I had set out to do in the beginning of this year. No, I didn't meet and marry the man of my dreams. And no, I haven't finished my feature length script yet.

     Doing a year review/recap can be a bit sobering (à la, depressing), but not if you factor in the grace and mercy that has accompanied you along the way.

     Sure, I didn't write to you every day, but I did write to you every month and I was painfully honest.  True, I didn't meet my husband boo yet. But I have met some amazing and kind men this year, that will definitely give him a run for his money (And yes, I currently have a new crush--Ha). And although my feature length script isn't finished yet, it is still in progress. In fact, I've registered my outline with the WGA to keep me motivated and focused.

     As a recovering perfectionist, it's still hard to come to terms with my failures, whether they be big or small, but in 2011 I've made huge strides in learning to forgive myself of my many shortcomings and to allow for growth in those sensitive areas.

     But mostly, the Hallway of Disappointment is just that, a hallway. It's not a wall. In fact, it's not even a picket fence to keep you trapped. It's a hallway, leading you from one place of seeming defeat to a place of clear and ready victory.

     The hallway is necessary. It keeps us humble. It keeps us honest. It makes us appreciate the riches that we will soon encounter.

     I look forward to stepping out of the Hallway of 2011 into the steady heartbeat of a ready and fulfilling 2012 with you.

     Amen.




Wisdom's Knocking:

Let go, Let go, Let go...and Let God.