How to Be Single

“I’m not the one to give you TMI on my current relationship status and lack of sexual experience…

Nor am I the one to share the ups and downs…the joys and defeats… the ugly cries and very real grown desires of being a single Christian woman working in the entertainment industry… among some of the hottest folks in front of and behind the camera….”

  Yeah, I’m not the one to share all those details…..

…Said Patrice…Never…. ;)

  So here we go.

  I last left you with Mr. Mister.

  And my heart aching to truly lean back.

But let me tell you about Mr. Man Dude. He happens to think Mr. Mister is “lame” (A direct quote), and that fact still makes me giggle a little too hard.

  Oh. Who’s Mr. Man Dude?.....Well, let’s start from the middle as usual.

So I journaled and cried my eyes out in a prayer room on a cloudy, rainy day in late October of 2020 and 2 weeks later came across a social media advertisement that pretty much had the exact same language of what I wrote in my journal that bittersweet, Autumn day.  But this ad didn’t just voice my frustration and questions, it had resilience and solutions – and yes, I was superrrr skeptical of those proposed solutions. SUPER.

Because I had felt disappointed in men…specifically one in particular: Mr. Mister.

And I felt Ugly.

I felt like my own feminine essence was attacked and mocked as I watch Mr. Mister gawk and drool over women I felt that I could never live up to.

  And then… when I wasn’t really looking….this ad comes up on my feed…and mentions the word “Feminine Embodiment” – I know, I know. That phrase alone sounds super “Woo-Woo” and on the verge of being semi-politically incorrect…and yet….

Something sparked for me.

  And as my M.O. would have it, I followed the clues, which then led me to my current relationship coach and a season of intentional growth, healing, and personal development.

  I was returning back home to my own body and beauty.

  But to note, in the beginning -- the idea of being relationship coached felt hecka awkward, weird and silly, but I was desperate for change – and for breakthrough.

  Plus - we all know the definition of insanity…’Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.’ I had somehow slipped back into my pattern of being the safe “Friend Zone Princess” -- the number 1 friend of handsome dudes, while forfeiting my potential as a dateable, wife-me-up chick. It was time to shed that persona and the baggage I accumulated therein. 

Single, emotionally healthy, God-loving men were only seeing me as “Sister Patrice” or “Such a Good Friend & Listener”…but not as girlfriend material or a potential wife.

  I had been in this space for almost my entire life. It was safe. Especially in the church.

But last year, I hit a new breaking point. It was time to prayerfully step outside of my safe space once again. Plus…all the good stuff happens when we trust God and step ‘outside of the boat.’

  This relationship coaching program wasn’t faith-based and would absolutely be outside of my normal comfort zone…and yet, I felt peace.

  In week 1 of being coached, mega shift was beginning to happen in me and with the type of men that were approaching me.  And at the same time unhealed wounds and certain beliefs about men, God, and my own safety began to rise to the surface.

  I was still afraid of intimacy and vulnerability (and still wrestling with the idea of my own beauty, age, and femininity).

  I was looking to a man to make me ‘feel safe’ – when the truth is: Psalm 91 all day, all night. There’s safety in God. The ultimate. But I’ve been dodging and doubting that truth profoundly in my own spiritual life as I see pain or seemingly unanswered prayers.

  I know that it may be hard to believe that I have hesitancy and qualms about being vulnerable with a man in real life. Especially since I’ve been writing to you about the inner workings of my personal life for well over a decade now.

  But there’s a difference between being vulnerable & transparent.

I’m pretty transparent with you all…

  But I also spell check…and edit….and I also read and re-read my posts before I let you see them.

  My transparency is often polished.

  But Vulnerability.

  My Goodness--

  That’s a whole other beast. And that’s in real time.

  It’s not DVR, pause, replay…

  It’s raw and all the way real.

  All my insufficiencies and weirdness exposed… and I wrestle with the question, “Would you choose to love me wildly, even still?

  And isn’t that what we demand of our love stories? Perfect & unconditional love.

  But I am profoundly aware, that the deepest love I give to another, at best, is always in ‘process’.,,

  I find, that it’s a love of becoming….

Becoming stronger, becoming more…more true, more solid, more stable.

  And there’s only One that I know of who holds the total embodiment of authentic unconditional love with both truth and grace towards every human He encounters. Hi Jesus.

  And so we get to lean into His strength, insight, and love.

  There’s no fear in His company.

  So what am I so afraid of?

  Not the same things I was before.

  I’m practicing being held by the One who holds the universe.

  Being held feels like something tangible.

  It feels safe.

Photo by Wes Hicks on Unsplash

  And so I continued deeper into my relationship coaching homework. 

I was invested now and I dove all in.

  I still had this lingering whisper of my prophetic word of 2023…(for those that just arrived: I feel like 2023 is significant in my love story…perhaps it's the year I’m married….or meet my man…or perhaps I’ve met him and we recognize each other afresh….either way…..this thought was lingering as I continued to make my way through my coaching.)

  There came a point in my coaching homework, where one had to “Step Out and Stop Hiding”.

  To not fear being seen.

  Isn’t it interesting how we can long to be known but fear being seen? #storyofmylife

  But you can only truly be known when you are truly seen. It’s the beginning of the process of knowing. But I get it. Beginnings are hard. And being ‘seen’ is one of the bravest and most vulnerable things one can do.

  So while most things were still closed due to the pandemic, I still had no excuse when it came to meeting and connecting with great guys according to my relationship coach….so venturing into online dating it had to be. *rolls eyes very slowly*

I once promised years ago that I would NEVER EVER go back to online dating. That’s just not how I felt my story was meant to go down. Plus, I only came across weirdos. We bless them. But weirdos nonetheless. So yeah…we all know what happens when you say “Never Ever”…

  So Boop. There I was.

  I got on Hinge…Upward… & Christian Mingle…..I paid where I could…and did the deluxe version of things when available. If you want to meet quality singles, I highly recommend you, “Pay to Play” y’all. 

  To note, each step of the way… I had my relationship coaching community chime in.  I would ask theeee most basic things... What should I put in my bio…What kind of photos? Is this one good? How long should we text for in the app? He did this, is that normal? How do I stay in my femme, relaxed vibe while doing this online dating thing?

Because y’all know how much I love polarity, and I make no qualms about wanting a man that loves God and feels confident and comfortable in his own masculinity. When I come across men like that, it makes me feel like Wonder Woman. It brings out something in my own femininity that feels powerful and strong.

So throughout this online dating season, I was constantly encouraged by my relationship coaching community. And I never felt as though I was doing this all by myself in a big ocean of crazy possibilities. (Which was important for me, because I have little, to no real experience with healthy dating.)

  One of my biggest takeaways from my coach revolved around the idea and practice that--

You should actually be having fun in the dating process. If it feels like work, you’re doing it wrong.

And so, this non-dater, Moi… leaned back, and purposed to have fun – to let go of all the “high stakes” and fear.

It was simply about getting to know and enjoy the person in front of me. I didn’t have to prophetically know all the answers and the outcome. I could intensely lean on God and trust Him deeply in the process.

Cut to, a couple months ago, and me having my first date in over 7 years.

SEVEN. YEARS.

And I was more present in my body and in the experience than I had been in a plethora of things in the last several years.

But let me rewind a bit.

  Mr. Man Dude was kind, handsome, cheeky, loved God, generous with his compliments and encouragements and openly prayed for me.

  He first reached out to me via an online app. We video chatted for weeks. And it felt like being with a sweet friend. He was open and honest and soon vocalized how he wanted to legit take me out on a date.

  And I said yes.

I didn’t know how our chemistry would play out in person, but I was game to find out. We both were.

  Mr. Man Dude planned everything for our first date, which was already music to my heart.

  It felt good to lean back and have someone lean in.

  And I can honestly say that it was one of the best first dates, I’ve ever had (to be fair, only my second as an adult…).  And yet, I can also say, it lacked the chemistry we were both hoping for.

  Now, I know some of my marrieds out there will read that last sentence and insert the tag line, that “Second dates are often better” than the first. Or that they never thought they’d be married to the person they are married to now, but hear me clearly loves, when I say – ‘This is not that story’.

  But it still taught me some significant things about God and myself.

  And it was still beautiful.

  So beautiful.

  Do you want to know some things that Mr. Man Dude & my relationship coaching taught me? (This is not an exhaustive list by the way, but simply some of the highlights):

• Online dating doesn’t have to be GROSS (Although, it’s still not my preference)

• Men know how to pursue

• The presence of a good man brings so much more peace into my life

• Each date doesn’t have to end in marriage…sex…or even the prospect of a second date if the vibe is not fully there

• It’s important to say what you feel – and give space for the other person to do the same

• Dating should not feel like work – if it does, you’re doing it wrong (thank you Anna!)

• How to relish a good compliment….Contrary to popular belief, I love it when a man comments on what he loves about me, my physical appearance, and/or personality.

• There’s still good men out there who know how to be gentle, lead, and do the occasional rescue when needed ….(Can I mention how Mr. Man Dude paid for me to be taken care of when he found out I was stranded in another city and my funds were low….)

Mr. Man Dude showed me a new type of grown man love.

A love that still champions and wishes the best for me, even though we aren’t lovers.

And I never had to do, or prove anything.

I didn’t need to perform.

  And that felt so incredibly healing to my heart, my body and my femininity.

  How do you hold something in a beautiful space, knowing that it was for a particular time and place alone.

  I won’t lie. There’s tension to hold the beauty and the reality that this is not something more.

  But it’s taught me a new way to be single.

  There’s another level of delight, discovery, and courage to be lived.

  And here I was spending so much time hiding.

Feeling unchosen.

  Unseen.

  Because deep down, I felt shameful and unworthy of affection and attention.

  I didn’t feel qualified to step into the waters of dating, because dating was for suckers and for people with no faith. And yet, here I was being led by fear…

  Often in the church we merge dating with ‘the relationship’ – but I see dating as the phase of discovery before choosing to actually be in a relationship.

  Discernment is still at play--yes. But so is fun and discovery.

——————————- 

It’s craziness to me now--to know that God is leading me on an adventure to coach other single women of faith in this arena of romance, relationships, and purpose. (Look out for “The Beautiful Connection Method” – Ahhge!)

But I guess it’s fitting in a way, since all I’ve talked about with you over this last decade, revolves around romance and relationships.  And it’s truly the topic I’m most passionate about, next to God.

  But you see---now I feel as though I have some bona fide tools to help other beautiful (and perhaps burnt out) souls experience the breakthrough that I’ve tangibly tasted.

Tools Like…..

1. A good dance playlist is good for the soul and your body and can help unravel un-vocalized tension

2.  What you concentrate on, talk about, scroll through constantly on social media will become the reality you often attract. So start dreaming up your adventurous scenarios and declaring that there are quality men all around you. And don’t forget to follow folks online that are in alignment with where you feel God calling and leading you.

3.  “Men as Mirrors” – This concept was introduced to me by my relationship coach, Anna Rova – where you look at the pattern of men you keep attracting (in friendships & in relationships) and find out where the root lies within your own heart. I find this exercise super helpful when Jesus & prayer is involved.

4.  Learning what unconditional love feels like in your own body, everyday…

  As you know, I thought I’d be done with exploring my singleness season, but as it turns out, it’s becoming a bit more fun, adventurous and interesting.

  Not simply because I’ve met more quality single guys in the last 6 months than I have in the last 6 years, but because I feel as though I’m coming back home to the real Patrice.

  Back to the me that was dreamed up in the heart of God – the girl who rests in joy, sings her food orders, prays passionately for strangers, dreams big dreams, laughs loudly, dances in the streets, enjoys all of her senses, not afraid of passion and desire, believes for the best, graciously and fiercely loves her body, knows that she is enough, wildly loved, profoundly safe, accepts her true beauty at every age, champions the underdogs, forgives, and gives space for her own humanity and the humanity of others.

  This.

Not just as an outward show for the crowd or social media or …even him.

  But as a deep inward revelation for me to hold -- keeping space to remain courageously soft, wild and free.

  And you know what Beloved? This extraordinary space is very real.

  So much so, that I can now taste and see…

  I can rest and partake in knowing, that there’s a way…

  A beautiful way - in which, it’s actually worth learning… how to be single.

Wisdom’s Knocking:

There’s a way of being that feels like home to your bones.

Find that place, live there, and invite others in.

*Bonus Feature: It may be worth noting, I wrote this blog post listening to Jimmie Allen’s “How to Be Single” (as seen below) on repeat for over 3 hours…

The Lean

He said that I could lean in if I wanted to… Leaning forward into his sphere.

But I wanted to lean back. To restfully lean back.  And for him to lean in towards me and to catch me somehow…because at that point I had fallen…

But let me catch you up on the true inner workings of my 2020…This year started so very strong for me.

At the very top of the year, I was settling into my space of being single and really enjoying my life. My motto at this point was #nonewfriends – meaning, I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and I wasn’t looking for a new next male best friend. I had already ridden that rollercoaster many times before and I didn’t want that ride any more. I wanted my man. A strong committed masculine man.  And I was willing to wait. I felt free and confident that God was cooking up something special for me and my romance story, specifically reserved for the year 2023.

I know – it sounds hecka dramatic or like a weird sci-fi rom-com movie set-up…. the mention of that year makes it all seem so safely far away. But nevertheless, I felt peace about it all. Truly.

And so I kept on living.

  TV work was good, I was country line dancing my little heart out every week, my little business Together Good Co. was steadily beginning to grow, I was stepping out in new bold ways.  And for my birthday in March, I had taken a solo train ride up the coast of California all the way up to Oregon. It marked the incredible and rich journey I’ve had with God up until this point.

But by the end of March of this year, the world began to turn upside down. Coronavirus had arrived and all our well-made plans were now caught up in the tornado of this beast.

Work stopped. Country line dancing stopped. My little business Together Good Co. had no direction or momentum. And all the ways that I had cultivated becoming bold in previously, I was now steadily shrinking back.

  It all felt so surreal.

I decided to keep my mind and hands busy trying to create content online, but it all felt a bit futile.

I kept thinking… “God….what are you up to?”

  And in the midst of being in this tender and vulnerable place, I was somehow meeting more guys again. Incredible men.  Not really intentionally, but it just kept happening online.  

And then he showed up…

You know when you meet someone, and it automatically feels comfortable – a sense of home and familiarity? Well, that’s how it was with him, Mr. Mister. But when I looked intently at his face and at photos, I could see something that made me squeeze my eyes a bit…

“What is that? …” I whispered to God and my heart.

It looked a bit like wrestling, anger and pain.

  And I’m a sucker for the role of Florence Nightingale. (Do folks still know who that is anymore? All to say, a superwoman nurse coming to the aid and rescue of soldiers.)

But I’ll never forget that first look on his face.

  I could see something brewing in him, just below the surface.

  His words were kind, but somehow, the texture of them didn’t feel 100% sincere, or that I could fully trust him.

  And my gut rarely lets me down.

  And so I dismissed him. I didn’t want any half-truths or possible entanglements. I had almost gotten in one last December with a tall dark and handsome man who I had met country line dancing.  Ya girl got a little shook by those muscles and that olive skin….But I digress….

  But then a Mr. New New Guy surfaced, and my heart was crushing on him BAD, like I was practically begging God to lift my 2023 ban so that this new guy and I could start making babies ASAP.

  But after processing with God, friends, and prayer….it was a hard NOPE. He’s not the one for you.

  And I was like:

So I ugly cried on my bedroom floor for a good hour, practically suffocating myself because I wouldn’t lift my forehead off the ground and because the tears and the snot were so intense…

  But then just a couple days after this very dramatic “letting go” episode, our old friend, Mr. Mister, comes back around and appears out of the blue ---but this time, I couldn’t tell if God or the devil had sent him. #realtalk - And so I was purposely standoffish and cold.

  But somehow that didn’t detour him.

  I was in no way attracted to him at that point. And was just confused as to why he was circling back and making small talk online.

  But then I softened a bit.

  I chose to forget my first impressions of him, and I started to let my guard down.

  And a real friendship began to blossom.

  So much so, that to my surprise, I became deeply attracted to him and to all the things and storylines we had in common, but there was still this nagging sense there was something ‘going on’ underneath the surface with him.

  But yes, you guessed it -- things would slowly begin to reveal themselves.

  Here’s a good life hack for all you beautiful men out there:

 Us ladies have FBI-level expertise to find out information about you and what you do – but social media has made it sooo easy for us to know your true habits and values. We simply look at the accounts you “Follow” – Yes. We actually scroll through to see who and what you follow (especially on Instagram) and we try to figure out, if we somehow have to compete with those women or ideologies.

And I already began to feel myself competing.

  Both Mr. New New Guy & Mr. Mister were both God lovers and had an array of female friends – hot female friends and the accounts they followed made me question their intentions and integrity towards me.

And the tears began to flow again.

  It was hitting an old familiar place in me. 2nd Place. Not enough…

  Why are they even talking to me in the first place??

  My hands aren’t gently cupping my perfectly perky large bare breasts on Instagram. But that’s what they repeatedly “Like”.

My bum doesn’t have a G-string in it – with a heartfelt caption on Instagram saying: “God is the best – Jeremiah 29:11”– But that’s what he likes.

  My pointer finger is not gently pulling on my bottom lip while I stare intently at the camera in my favorite bikini, with a witty caption saying, “God is good and only He can judge me.” – but those are his favorite social media posts.

This was a new layer to men in our faith space that I hadn’t seen before. It was a bit jarring, and definitely eye opening.

The mix of soft porn and faith – it’s been growing steadily in our lovely social media space. And honestly, I paid no attention to it at all….until I did…

  We’ve created funny memes and social media pages around this mix, while often having a good chuckle about it or giving a virtual high five.

And no one seems to be the wiser.  

But when our young girls are battling with their own appearance and self worth in this digital age, it feels like the choices that some of our men (definitely not all) are consistently making are not in consideration of them or their hearts.

And this is what I find those small choices say to us as women:

“This is the standard of beauty & sexuality that I uphold. Now meet that.”

I doubt most men would say that so bluntly, but we as women feel that nonetheless. And actions often eclipse and outshine words.

If it’s affecting me as a grown woman (who by the way, has seen SOME THANGS in her lifetime and I’m not easily offended) can you imagine how it’s affecting our young women?

  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love beauty, bodies, sexuality, and body positivity, but there’s something ultimately true, life-giving and grounding when it truly stems from a gorgeous God perspective and not in a cheap, consumer-orientated lower perspective.

But granted, some of us don't know the difference…not truly…#selah

And some of us only know how to communicate via our sexuality, because that’s served us well in the past or serves us well online. Or it’s an easy point of connection with people. Whether in conversation or in action.

  But easy doesn’t give me lasting, true depth and intimacy.

  I would argue that we are also more than our sexuality and its expression.

  And that our sexual appetites, (what we feed on continually is what will grow) whether hidden or known, has the power to change the course of our lives completely. Just ask any one who’s been involved in abuse, an affair or an addiction that they can’t break free of – one that keeps them in a vicious cycle of feeling-stuck in life. 

  I’ve had the privilege of sitting down with some of these precious hearts that have walked through these types of life-altering effects.  And I’ve also seen the power of God sweep through their lives with true redemption and restoration beyond their wildest dreams and expectations.

  But to note… they said yes in their hearts to God, for a new way, a better way, relinquishing control for Him to have His way (which we know is based in Love and not necessarily our current view of it) … these beautiful ones walked their journey out with prayer, tears, courage, active intention, sweat, and support.

But often we are grasping for that restoration or redemption to come from certain individuals or circumstances, and trying to make it happen ourselves. But the full restoration and redemption itself is God’s work.  And it may not look like how we thought or even come from the direction we had hoped it would. But it will still be good. SO very good. Our only job is to lean into God -- and into what He’s set before us.

With that said, God may have already been trying to get your attention…or He’s whispered something to your heart to do or perhaps not do in this current season of your life. You might already have an inkling of what that could be.  It may be front-of-mind for you as you read this, or perhaps you feel it in your gut right now. Regardless of how it’s playing out, I pray that God brings His confirmation, peace and clarity for us both tonight.

Stepping out into this space of your life with God is truly a mark of being vulnerable and brave. And can I just say that I’m so very proud of you.

  And I know…. movement in this direction is never easy, but yet it always leaves a fragrance of lasting faithfulness and love everywhere we go. While at the same time enriching your own bones.

You see… what I do know about that restoration and redemption combo…is that it’s coming. It always does.

And isn’t that the way we always want to see a story end… Better than it began…

Do you know what my grandmother said about my dad, before my mom married him?

  “He’s clean.”

For the record, she wasn’t talking about his hygiene.

  She was talking about his heart and soul.

  There wasn’t a bad mixture – a mix and match of split intentions or motives.

  He was “clean”.

  It was something that my grandmother could discern simply by seeing and being around my dad.

  (To note: Clean doesn’t equal perfect)

Funny thing is, I had always used this language growing up…this description of  “Clean” – and it wasn’t until a few years back that my mom shared this story about my grandmother, dad, and her unique use of that word.

  So to this day, when I see someone for the first time, it’s as if something spiritual and real is highlighted to me. It’s never to shame them (never), but only for me to know how to love them well, and to know what boundaries I need to have in place with them.

  But all to say, Mr. Mister never looked completely clean to me. And I still don’t know quite why. Maybe I’ll never know why. And that’s okay. I also wondered if he truly had self-control, restraint, courage, and initiative.

Or upon that first connection, perhaps my spirit and soul knew how his mixed and unclear intentions would play out in my heart and in my life subsequently.  Leaving me a bit unsteady for a season.

  Us women are different creatures to men.

And we often long to feel secure in their presence.

  But with the idea of “split affections” in our men (even on social media), our hearts begin to feel unsteady and unsafe.

  And that began to change my friendship dynamic with Mr. Mister from that point on.

  Because I was obviously trying to navigate this new territory of falling for him.

  Nevertheless, we continued to grow in closeness but I continued to cry almost weekly over him.

  Lots of tears y’all. Lots O’ Tears.

  It got to the point where I strongly felt the urge to subtly, not so subtly ask him if he liked me beyond friendship. (Which I had vowed I was never going to do with any other guy friend after the Fateful Debacle of 1996…)

  But I asked, because I thought I could handle whatever answer he was going to fling my way.

  NOPE.

  I PLAYED MYSELF.

He took days to respond to me and then finally let me have the one-two punch.

Friends.

 

Friendship.

 

Valuable Friendship.

I’m pretty sure he gave me 3 text messages from that point on that were pretty much “Copy & Paste” iterations of:  “You are a great friend and I’ll always be your friend. Talk to you later good friend.”

Cool. Cool. Thanks Bro. I get it.

That’s not what I was entirely going for. And I thought there was a mutual attraction, but I get it, I was clearly wrong.

  But seriously: #NONEWFRIENDS

And then, in comes another text message days later…

  More friendship talk.

Cool bro. Love it bro.

But then he adds something new…..

He said that I could lean in if I wanted to…

  Ummmm. What does that mean exactly? More blurred lines? Nahhh. I’m good. Thanks brother bro.

But perhaps his words were meant to be comforting…you know…like “Friend-to-Friend” type stuff? But instead his words riled up confusion, anger and more tears on my part.

  Because really, all I wanted to do is lean back. To restfully lean back.  And for him to lean in towards me and to catch me somehow…

But the lack of a textured deep sincerity I sensed in him early on was not because he was cruel, but rather because he was unaware, and in a bit of self-denial, while also being neglectful of himself in those deep and meaningful places.

So I became somewhat of a mirror of that pattern of neglect in his life as well.

  He wanted to do good and be better, but his lack of real clear intention and follow-through is what hurt my heart – especially in our friendship.

What I observed is that he somewhat sacrificed for others, but wouldn’t stand up for himself in his own masculinity.  I’m not talking machismo here, I’m simply talking about a man who stands firm in his own personal constitution, holds true conviction and vision and can confidently talk about it with others and walk that out….even in all it’s messy imperfections.  Boldly leaning on God through it all.

A man that doesn’t just sit back and let women simply do things for him, but one who constantly positions his heart towards giving to others in a healthy way in his life. A man that asks me questions about my life, because he’s so curious about me and just can’t get enough of me.

But I don’t want to be in the business of trying to change someone to suit my wants and needs, that’s extremely selfish and immature. And when you show me who you are, I have to believe you-- until you consistently show up otherwise.

So in his attempt to be gracious to me, with another ‘friendly’ text I interpreted his movements as somewhat bland and mediocre.

  And with that, I basically shared that I valued him, but wanted something more and I realized he’s not in that space at all to give it to me nor does he want to, and that I totally respect and understand that, and in the end, he’s still a great guy, but I’m intentionally choosing not to lean in, especially not in the way that I want to.

#nonewfriendsthesequel

I want to invest in something with a man that has the potential to go somewhere wild and beautiful. Not something that leaves me holding the trophy for first place in the Friend Zone.

  So yes, I also mentioned to him, that I’m getting relationship coaching (which is blowing my mind by the way…) and that I’m opening my heart to fresh possibilities and a brand new world of men and healthy relationships beyond him.

Cue Up:

  One more “friends forever” text message from him. Because I think he just can’t get enough of that word.

  But Bro. Read the room. That was definitely not needed….

Side note: And another great social media life hack for you beautiful men – Us [single] women intently look at who has “Liked” our photos and watched our “Stories” on Instagram and Facebook. We create grand love stories with such information.  I noticed that Mr. Mister was alllll up in my stories when my friendship served his ego and needs. But when our vibe was clearly “friends forever” he “skipped over” and “exited” out of my stories before they were completed, and with lighting-like speed. It was like a big fat slap in the face. That feeling of like “GET THIS CHICK OUTTA MY FACE, INSTAGRAM…..” – Yep. Not gonna lie. That stung a little bit. But I’ve done it myself…Soooo, touché…

But yes, in conclusion, us girls can tell when you leave our Instagram stories prematurely. I know. It’s dumb. But it counts as a gesture of how much you care and/or are attracted to us. And my bro is DEFO not into me according to the current social media stats.

But look, if I’m honest, I don’t think he’s ready for my type of leaning in…. because when I lean in, I’m leaning into a man that is willing to fight for himself and others and is bold enough to walk away from toxic people and circumstances, to take new adventures, to not wait for permission to hold me, hug me, or send me sweet messages. And to confidently know he’s always invited when it comes to me and my heart.

But let’s not miss the important fact that Mr. Mister is actually not attracted to me. And I cannot change that. Plus I don’t want someone’s “pity attraction” either…either you want to make out with me in a real way or you don’t.

And it’s quite all right that he’s not attracted to me, it really is. It just means, he’s freed up space for the one who is attracted to me and wants these lips as well as my crazy.

And now this is where this story shifts from Mr. Mister to my own heart…

Because you see, I’ve been in this role before…. actually many, many times before…ACTUALLY go read my blog post from 2015, titled “My Hunk” once you’re done here, to read about one of those other times…

But let’s be clear, Mr. Mister is not to be blamed in all this. He’s quite lovely really. And utterly human like the rest of us.

He helped reveal some old patterns and mindsets I’ve held on to.

  And sure, I had to cry my way through it to find the revelation. But I was forced to ask questions like…

Whyyy have I placed my OWNSELF in the friend zone and 2nd place with guys like these before? Why don’t I ever feel enough for so many of the amazing hot masculine guys that have approached me in the past? Why was I all of a sudden feeling like my own beauty and femininity was being attacked when another gorgeous woman came on the scene? (Sidenote: Being cheated on in a relationship gives you a bit of PTSD in this area…)

  Why was I always initiating in all my relationships and friendships with guys? Why was I so afraid to lean back, surrender and trust?

WHOA.

Um. These questions sounded like they needed the help and processing of a professional.

And that’s when I enlisted a relationship and feminine embodiment coach. I wanted to get to the heart of the matter.

Because at the end of the day it wasn't about Mr. Mister, it was about me.

And now I’m about 3 weeks in, and the work that I’ve done has me like:

  I feel more connected to my own heart and body than I have in ages, I’m starting to get answers and down to the root of some of those ingrained faulty beliefs I had about men and myself.

  And I’m also learning more about the science of masculine & feminine polarity in depth.

  I’m studying men.

  I’m understanding more of what they need and value.

I’m understanding more of what women need and value.

  And because of my career in TV production, I’ve learned to successfully operate in a more masculine vibe.

  It’s the vibe that has a lot of direction, drive, achievement, and that “Go-go-go” mentality.

And it’s actually served me well for work.

  But when it came to my relationships, I didn’t know how to turn it off – in many ways I was disconnected from my own femininity – especially the “Surrender” and “Receiving” aspect.

So I would either attract very kind masculine men and quickly get fearful, not knowing what to do with them. But mostly, I would attract handsome men that were much more comfortable operating in a feminine vibe.

  Meaning, they would let me take the lead, and I happily did so, because that made me feel in control and powerful. It’s what I did at work. And I equated that kind of control as security and love and even friendship. But in the end, I realized how this cyclical pattern left me with empty cups and resentment. Because if polarity is at play…the true feminine essence of me was yearning for the true masculine essence of a man.

  But I would push the very men I was attracted to most into their more feminine vibe which would then turn me off and frustrate me….and then I would feel as though I’m begging or trying to earn their affections, their time, their attraction, their commitment. Instead of leaning back and allowing a healthy pursuit and for them to stand strong in their own masculinity.

And alas, it became a vicious friend-zone cycle.

  But here’s the deal, I set the tone. And these beautiful, kind men obliged, until they didn’t… or until I screamed in my car that they were ‘dead to me’…

Hello. My name is Patrice. And I’m an ex-friend zone princess.

  I’m learning that this was a coping mechanism for me, because deep down inside, I was afraid of men – being intimately known by a man and a deep fear of rejection. Which in turn, domino effects into being afraid to truly surrender, and being afraid to truly let my hair and my guard down with a man.

  And so throughout my life, I created this unintentional “Friend zone party” with so many kind available men, with the purpose that “no one gets hurt here” – but somehow, by trying to “play it safe” –  I got hurt the most and hit some bystanders with shrapnel as well.

  But now my eyes are opened afresh.

  Something has shifted.

  And something is changing in me.

  I choose now to surrender. I lean back. Way back.

  I ready my heart to receive love, and not to simply function from the place of being a work horse — always trying give out without truly receiving. But rather drinking it all in and allowing kindness and love to truly land on me and in my heart.

  For women, sometimes the bravest thing we can do is surrender, let go, and lean back.

  And for men, I’m learning….that sometimes the bravest thing you can do, is to love yourselves, stand strong, and move forward in boldness.

It’s time for us to lean into something more brave than what we’re used to….

  I’m preparing us for love. Because you see, this blog journey is going to end better than it began.

  I won’t be single in the end, and I’ll joyfully show off to you my God-lovin’-ridiculously-hot husband, as we live out our adventures and road trips through photos, while we also let you watch the live stream of our wedding, which will most likely include cowboy boots on my part…

Get ready.

Because I still believe God is up to something profound and beautiful.

And that it will be better than it first began… and isn’t that the way we like to see our stories end…

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“Be brave with your one, wild and precious life.”

~Patrice Patrick

2nd Place

And here we are. It’s been too long since I’ve written to you, but in our usual fashion, I’ll start somewhere in the middle, loop back to the beginning and perhaps end somewhere close to the present.

But I’m choosing to let you in again. Close to this space near my heart.

  This year wasn’t what any of us expected. At the beginning of the year, I was hunkering down to have one of the busiest years of my professional TV production career.

And I LIKE busy. I LOVE it.

  It helps me to not think of all the other things…the pressing things, the painful things, all the things I’ve been waiting for…. the unfinished things…

  And I just knew going into this year, that it was simply going to be me and God. No more “almost’s”, no more “crushes”, no more aching after unrequited love and feeling embarrassed because of all the lost time.

  I purposely took a multi-day solo train trip for my birthday weekend around the beginning of this year. And it was glorious.

  It marked a fresh new season with God and I.

  I felt so strong and free stepping into this new season. My heart was prepared to wait for all the things that God had promised.

  Many of you are familiar with my previous blog post and my heart to be married. And mostly, how my whole entire timeline was demolished 10x times over within the last decade (See: The Caleb Blessing).

  I was wrestling with my age, my seeming career setbacks and other steps backwards. But as much as I felt the pressure, I still had real hope that God’s promises to my heart for an epic love story were true and valid.

  It would just take time.

  But I never saw 2020 coming.

  I was prepared to absolutely be invisible in the realm of love and romance. In fact, that’s my favorite go-to. I also think it’s partly why I purposely chose a career involving “Behind the Scenes” rather than in front of the camera.

  But if I’m honest, I was wounded and hurt in specific scenarios in my younger years, and shied away from being “in front” of anything later on in life. But my inclination to step outside my comfort zones, coupled with the desire to authentically connect with people, and always up for a big vision or dream — collided with me consistently being in “opportune places at opportune times”… and I would find myself reluctantly leading or somehow in the front of the action.

  But on the whole, I embraced my season of hiddenness.

  I also think God was working on my ego in a real and much needed way during that time.

  A beautiful stripping away of pride and false humility.

  So I was prepared to be invisible this year in the eyes of men.

  But wouldn’t you know it, I’ve been approached by more sincere, beautiful men this year than in the last 5 years combined! It’s been THEEE strangest thing.

But I’m an expert at putting up walls and keeping them up. I’ve been friend-zoned so many times that I have a cute neon yellow vest to let us both know, “It ain’t happenin’, Jack!”

So it’s my constant go-to move – even with the guys that show a genuine interest in me.

  I put out both my proverbial hands in an act of creating space, giving all the high-fives, calling them “Dude”, “Bud” or “Bro” at least a million times to reinforce every wall I’ve ever built around my semi-sturdy castle.

  Because if that space isn’t filled with my neon yellow vest and my strategic verbal acrobatics, then the door opens, and I find myself falling hard…and fast.

Now granted, I’ve had a lot of training in this area. I am no beginner.

This is definitely not my first rodeo.

  But I literally felt as if this year was rapid fire beautiful dudes in my face who were simply trying to be kind. But mix that with the tangible cultural loneliness of 2020 and my lack of successfully being “busy”…

  I meannnn, I did try and stay busy…I started a podcast, built a brand new curriculum and hosted a month-long workshop for small business owners, became a podcast guest for others,  created an online community for faith-based small business owners, cleaned my house, rearranged my house, watched my favorite 80s movies, ate food, rearranged my house again, and made a ton of silly online videos…

But it still wasn’t busy enough for me. (Shout out to all the Enneagram 3s out there – Ha!)

  So when new guys literally started sliding into my DMs, or giving me really good eye contact, I felt open and vulnerable.

  But then, all of a sudden, my thoughts of self-sabotage came marching in. It was no longer the neon yellow vest that was the problem, it was this weird helmet I was putting over my own head.

It was a helmet I honestly hadn’t seen in years. But was first given to me in high school.

In the full post, I shared about the story of how my crush at the time, a White guy, told me he could never reciprocate feelings towards me, nor did he want to, because I was a Black girl. It was the first time I had ever heard anything like that. And I was legit shook.

  Confused. Surprised. But mostly shooketh.

In the recent sharing of this story, I felt no hurt or bitterness towards that guy who said those things to me. I’ve long forgiven him and the situation. And I wish nothing but continued blessing on him and his entire family. God has been so kind to me (and you) — and I can’t withhold love and kindness – not even in this scenario.

But what was planted in that season was this weird sense of being “2nd Place”.

  I’ve always had this fear that I wouldn't be chosen.

  Like ever.

  And the one time that I was temporarily chosen…he happened to cheat in a very “Maury Povich Show” dramatic type of way…another story for another day. But this guy is also forgiven – seriously. I have nothing but blessings to say over him and his family as well.  

But that’s why this whole romance situation has been so ….how do you say…a bit cray cray for me.

  But I found a loophole…

  I could be chosen for what I “do”.

  Because I’m good at what I “do”.

  So I poured myself into that for years.

  And people would pat me on the back, and tell me what a great job I did.

  And men would compliment my work ethic.

  But not necessarily my heart or my appearance.

  And the true question was still underlying…

  Could I be chosen for me? Just for me….for who I am. And would he find me attractive?

  Now over the years, I’ve had the pleasure of lovely gentlemen…let’s just call them the “Jeromey-Rome’s”…Who’ve said some flirtatious (borderline crazyyyy…) things to me or said something about my body in an attempt to compliment me. Ha!

But for the record: Ya girl knows what she’s workin with. And yes, I would still feel cute at 40, even if the Jeromy-Rome’s didn’t compliment me…

But what I find myself  doing with this helmet though – the one that helps to cover my face…and especially my eyes… is that it helps me to put myself in second place…

“But there’s someone hotter you could be with….”

“I’m a lot to handle…”

“There’s someone younger you’d rather be with…” (Because why is almost every dude who’s tried to holler at me recently — like 10+ years younger than me?? #notevenmadbro)

PLUS…these new guys are also working against my 2023 timeline.  A year I felt God whisper to my heart in regards to my love story.

  I don’t want to let anyone in until then. But I want to let someone in before then.

  Yes. I know.

  Not confusing at all.

  I started to feel, midway through this year, that I was just watching everyone else have a birthday party parade around me and somehow my parents forgot about me and forgot that it was my birthday altogether.  #Hello16Candles

  What I thought was meant to be a “Joyful Adventure with God” season, was feeling more like a “Probation and Punishment” season.

  How do you navigate the now and not yet. The good thing you know is coming… or might even be here…but it’s not time for it yet.

So yep….I’m throwing all my toddler tantrums right now.

Because as I cry out for the Lord to stop sending beautiful, kind men my way, and as I scream that I just want to be left alone…the truth is, I just want to be cuddled…

So I ask God, “What’s my next move? What great word of encouragement do you have for me, as I’m clearly an emotional wreck right now??”

And He only whispers one word to me:

“Wait.”

UM……..Was that supposed to be comforting??

Because yeah…..not quiiiite what I was going for……

And so I ask again, in case God gave me a mixed signal or something.

And I hear it again:

“Wait.”

And then I go rewatch the teen movie: “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before” – because  I now need to go and “do” something….

And I cry a little too hard when I hear the line, “You were never second best…” in one of the movie’s classic scenes.

Because here’s the thing.

  You and I were never second best.

  We were never second best in God’s plan.

  You were specifically made and chosen.

  And like your fingerprint, you leave a mark on someone’s soul like no one else can or ever will on this planet earth.

  The space between you and God is as expansive as the universe, yet as close and intimate as the breath in your lungs.

  And in that space, it would be advantageous of you to know and experience the chosen intention of God for your own heart, your life, your purpose, and your love story.

  God knows your name.

God loves saying your name.

And when He does. He smiles.

  And so I realized…

We’ve not been forgotten.

We’ve been chosen by Love itself.

1st Place.

Often, I not only want to be chosen, but I want to do the choosing.

  But there’s something to remember in choosing…I have to remove my helmet.

  I have to let you see my eyes.

  And what does that mean of my 2023 timeline?

Honestly…I don’t know.

But I’m still in a posture of waiting…

  Because what I think might be true of my man — the one who I’ve been waiting for this whole time – is that he will not only know how to see my eyes, but he won’t have me put on a ridiculous neon yellow vest…nor will I hide behind my walls of performance and self preservation.

Because in the end, we’ll both know, that we’ve been undoubtedly, utterly, and lovingly Chosen.

Wisdom’s Knocking: 

“You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.”

John 15:16 (ESV)

Fake Brides, "Love Is Blind", God's Plan (Right On Time)

So no, I’m not here to spill the tea on a bridezilla or a TV event planning mishap…although, I do have some funny stories that would leave you looking like:

But I am here to share in brief what this current season of life has been like for me, in the hopes that it would encourage you and make you smile.

Being an entrepreneur in what feels like an intense season of maturing, I’m being reminded that God is right here in the midst of it all. And He has a plan.

You see, I go through seasons where I passionately go through a series of relationship articles, podcasts, and books, specifically from a faith foundation.

And this past Valentine’s Day season brought me back to my roots. Real first love.

Whether we want to admit it or not, relationships are deeply intertwined within our everyday lives. The lack thereof, the abundance of them, the health or unhealth of relationships play out in subtle and often not-so subtle ways.

As much as we’d like to compartmentalize all the different facets of our lives – there is inevitable spilling and cross-over.

It was time for my heart to hear the truth again in regards to the beauty of relationships and how God is faithful to work all things out-- together for our good.

I started my search by listening to my tried-and-true Annie F. Downs: “That Sounds Fun” podcast.

Annie and her guests hold such kindness and insight when it comes to faith and relationships.

The episodes that rocked my face off:

• Episode: TSF Couples 2020: Chris & Emily Norton

• Episode: TSF Couples 2020: Addison & Julianna Bevere  

• Episode: TSF Couples 2020: Sadie Robertson Huff & Christian Huff

And then I stumbled across Sons & Daughters TV on Youtube and Instagram.

Juliana & Addison Bevere, Arden & Christian Bevere, and Austin & Jessica Bevere brought that fire.

And so I spent an entire Saturday taking my time and soaking up their wisdom.

To get a small taste of what I watched:

• “How You Know They Are The One”

• “Define Your Asks”  

• 008 – Summer Romance – “Let’s Talk About It”

So in the midst of all my deep diving into the world of relationships again, I noticed something was happening.

My heart was getting ridiculously encouraged.

Not discouraged because I’ve been perpetually single and desire to be married like yester-decade. But encouraged because I was allowing the truth of God to permeate the tender and vulnerable places of my heart again.

It was reminding me that I was loved by a God who was absolutely into every detail of this one precious life.

He was whispering to my heart – I see you. And I’ve not forgotten about you.

And I knew it was true.

Just a few days later, I got a random request from a sweet friend of mine…

“HEY! YOU WANT TO POSSIBLY BE IN THE BRIDAL SHOW?”

Um. Do *I*-- the person who’s been writing about romance and love for over 10 years want to play dress up in a bridal gown for an entire day??

Dear reader, what do you think I said?

Well my response was:

“HECK YES WHEN IS IT”.

MIRACULOUSLY my schedule had a fresh opening on the very day of the bridal show.

And only God and I truly knew how profound that was to my heart.

I SEE YOU.

Meanwhile, in the atmosphere…everyone kept talking about this show, “Love is Blind”.

It was all over my Instagram and Facebook feeds.

Mind you, I’m not a huge reality TV show person, but I became super curious as to why this particular reality show had picked up so much momentum in such a short amount of time.

So I decided to simply check out the first episode for myself - Just so I could understand the premise.

Fast forward to me finishing the entire season in just 3 days.

CLEARLY I DIDN’T EXPECT THAT.

 The premise for “Love is Blind”:

Single guys and girls date multiple people, then propose to the one they feel they have the strongest emotional connection with – all without ever seeing the other person they’ve been ‘dating’.  

To make the stakes even higher, once they finally see each other, we watch them meet each others’ respective families and plan a legitimate wedding where we then can watch them say either “I do”….or “I don’t”.

It endeavors to remove the distractions of cell phones, social media, and physical appearance in order to challenge the notion that ‘love is truly blind’.

The show still might not be your cup of tea, but what I found fascinating and what I believe to be the main draw of this show in today’s culture, is the hunger and thirst for true connection, true intimacy beyond the superficial and temporal nature of our current culture and busy lives.

We were made to be known.

And knowing goes both ways.

It’s for the listener and the speaker.

It’s a receiving and a giving.

Authenticity – being the key.

We’ve all known for quite some time, that social media misses the mark in terms of truthful connection.

And accomplishments alone don’t fill the void in our aching hearts.

But real faith-filled relationships and friendships help to bring out the person we’ve been longing to be.

We’ll be challenged, loved, encouraged, celebrated, put to the test, and inspired.

But what we often forget is that a relationship worth having is also a relationship worth nurturing – doing the hard work of growing in love.

And this takes time.

And as we know, time is the real currency of life.

It may be a risk for you to give away time and to step out in terms of relationships, friendships, or work choices. But for those of us who know God, His promise to us is that all things will work together for good. (Romans 8:28). What an incredible foundation to stand on.

I mean, just think…the lives of these “contestants “ from “Love is Blind”, are now radically changed forever, because they took the time to take a risk, amid a televised “social experiment” in front of millions.

photo credit: Lauren Speed - Instagram

(P.S. I LOVE LAUREN & CAMERON!!)

SHOWING US ALL ONCE AGAIN THAT VULNERABILITY IS STILL THE DOORWAY TO TRUE CONNECTION AND LOVE.

SO DO YOU WANT THE REAL OR DO YOU WANT THE FAKE?

And yes, being a fake bride at the Bridal Show was incredible for me. Like you have NO idea. My family was in attendance, and my cousin legit cried seeing me in a wedding dress. It was like a beautiful reality show.

I just couldn’t get over how God had made me a ‘bride’ just weeks before I turn 40.

And I started remembering all those times I had asked God and ugly-cried over the years…And guess what ya’ll?... He made me a bride in a way that still held my heart and encouraged me…. But just not the way I thought it would go down. Ha!

BUT MY HEART IS ALSO PREPARING FOR THE REAL.

One day, I’ll be a real bride.

And on that day, you’ll get to celebrate with me.

And we’ll think back to this blog post and how crazy the world was and how impossible everything seemed.

And we’ll be reminded of the love of God.

Because in midst of all the tension of our current seasons of life, we can still trust in the timing and kindness of God.  That He’s really not late, but that He’s always been and forever will be, right on time.

I’m learning more and more, the plans of a loving God are so much better than we could ever think or imagine.

So today, dear reader, I want you to simply remember:

That God sees you, He knows you, He loves you, and He has not forgotten about you.

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“…Yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands: your walls are continually before me.”

-Isaiah 49: 15b-16

Integrated

I was worried that I wouldn’t have any fuel to bring, as I sat down to write to you.

But in perfect fashion, life happened.

I called a guy…like I called a guy…something I haven’t done in years.

I felt that small knot of nervousness in my gut.

And why?

It wasn’t event meant to be that serious.

But I’m trying to remain tender and open…even though, if you’ve read my latest blog post, The Caleb Blessing,  you know that I’m in no way looking for a relationship anytime soon.

But somehow, 2019 was the year that every GORGEOUS man decided to come out of the wood work and holla at me.

I was like:

Who me?

I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs…”I’ve been here for YEARS….where have YOU been??”

But timing and life are a tricky business.

And knowing that I have to wait to experience something lasting and good doesn’t make it any easier.

Meaning, the waiting doesn’t always come easy for me…

So the phone kept ringing.

I cleared my throat with each ring.

Practiced how I would say hello in a naturally sounding way.

The knot in my gut got a little tighter.

I felt my vulnerability.

And it felt scary to hope.

The phone rang one last time.

And then it went straight to a non-descript voicemail.

Which then triggered an old teenage wound.

Where a guy I fancied and thought profoundly handsome at a mall, was kind enough to give me his number, leaving the ball in my court.

I didn’t pay close enough attention to him and his buddy gently chuckling as they walked away from me.

And so later that night I went to call him on the phone.

So excited.

Like the most I think I’ve ever been excited about anything to do this day.

Teenage hormones are a funny and wild thing.

And before the phone could ring, I heard a strange beeping noise – and a kind robotic lady stating:

“The number you have dialed is not in service…”

And she kept repeating it over and over again.

I was stunned.

I heard stories about this…and thought it was funny when it happened to someone else.

But here I was.

And I felt stupid and embarrassed.

And all of that hope and excitement morphed, with an underground fierceness, into something much more cruel: a nagging feeling that I wasn’t enough.

I would later spend years running from that cunning voice and find subtle ways to numb the pain of it.

In my case, it was by means of staying busy. Always staying busy. Being productive. Getting results. Meeting goals.

Because if I could show that I can do things….lots of things…then it would be proving something to you and I….

Proving that I’m worth knowing.

Worth investing in.

Worth spending time with.

Worth risking for.

Worth loving.

Worth an answered call.

But in my 30s, I’ve learned to rest.

And yes, I’m still learning. But I have a foundation of rest that I didn’t have before.

And God has ever so gently reminded me on the journey, that I’m full of inherent worth and beauty.

As I know He’s doing the same for you.

The whispers are there.

Often, we just have to get still enough to hear Him say them to our hearts.

And I wish he’d picked up the phone.

But perhaps it was better that he didn’t.

Tonight’s call felt like a chess move of sorts. With the true implications playing out in profound and purposeful ways for our separate journeys, blessing and teaching he and I both for the future.

But solidifying something in my heart that I was meant to let the idea of him go…

And so now I listen to the hints.

I used to not listen to the hints.

And when I didn’t…that would turn into a big greasy mess coupled with me crying in shame for days on end.

So how did I get into this predicament once again…?

I can tell you how….

Because someone handsome said something kind to me over and over again, and I saw a good heart -- of which I wanted to then bond with immediately.

Patience is NOT my strong suit.

Where friendship thrives (or barely begins in my case…), I often prematurely want to step into something more, without looking at the full story.

But those other chapters are incredibly meaningful. And shed light on a person’s motivation and current outlook on life.

Our heart’s intentions often start off good and well….but the fervor in which our true passions begin to surface often scares even us.

Because we I so badly don't want to be alone.

I mean, we’re surrounded by people daily, and yet, we feel estranged somehow. And we know inherently that this isn’t the way it’s suppose to be.

And yet, I do love my sense of autonomy. I’ve perfected the art of being alone. Growing up as an only child, I cherished being in my house alone, enveloped by a foreign film or a great album (which I still love to do to this day).

But there’s still that longing.

To be held.

To be pursued.

To be seen.

He might have broken my heart for a gentle moment.

But it made a crack in order for the river to flow once again.

And in this river is Life.

Redemption is always ever so close.

Always.

For you.

And for me.

Humility and tears tend to draw the closeness of God.

He’s with the brokenhearted.

Always.

And yes, waiting is hard.

And the healing process often starts with pain.

But in order for an oak tree to grow from being an acorn, it has to break ground first.

It’s the path to something steady, beautiful, and full of legacy…something that will outlive us—and isn’t that what our hearts are after?

Do you know what I’m feeling regarding this brand new year?

I have a strong sense of integration.

I’ve felt a bit scattered over these last couple of years.

Writing my heart to you in a personal blog.

While also writing business blogs for my own company.

I felt stretched and not fully present to you.

But this year, I’m integrating both sides of my heart to share with you.

It’s time.

And in all the ways that we feel scattered, I feel as though God is collecting our pieces together. The struggle, the pain, the lost things, and the beauty. -- And with those things, integrating it all into a beautiful, complete and whole tapestry.

A tapestry that feels like true home.

So welcome to the new.

You are loved.

And redemption lives here.

And to my future husband, I cannot wait to hold you.

To hear how your day was.

To feel your breath on my cheek and close to my ear.

To laugh at your corny jokes.

To believe with you for our impossible dreams to unfold.

And to hear you say my name in the middle of a prayer.

I cannot wait.

But I will.

Because I know that you’re worth it—perhaps more than you realize right now.

And the beautiful thing is….I’m worth it too.

So here’s to the new integrated road ahead, full of big adventure, miraculous love, and tender revelations,  leading us all ever so profoundly back—back to a true place called home.

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“One by one the lights emerged
Fluttering like fireflies
Reminding of the path home
Even for the ones
Who lost their way long ago”

― Maria Lehtman, The Dreaming Doors: Through the Soul Gateways

To read more of my company blogs: www.togethergoodco.com/blog