Sister, Friend, Pixar Mom…

I wanted to start writing to you weeks ago and then life. And then life again.

  And then finally my cup began to overflow and I wanted you to know some things. And I wanted to find out some things.

  Inevitably, anytime I write to you here in this space, I get a revelation of sorts. Of my own heart. My journey – and a bit more of the macro of what God might be doing in my life and the lives of those around me.

  I think you’re here and reading this, because we are a bit like kindred spirits.

  There’s something in between these words and characters that feels familiar between you and I.

  So without more of my wordy fanfare, let’s get into how 2023 is landing for me and in me.

  Per usual, I’ll start somewhere in the middle, chase the end, and bring you back to the beginning.

  I just got back from Colorado last week, and something about that trip is still reverberating in my body.

  I remembered again, how much I love to travel by myself occasionally. Where I get to truly adventure with God and simply see where the days might take us.

  I went as an act of celebration, but I also went as a somewhat, defiant declaration.

  I wanted to declare to my heart in the midst of all the hurtful setbacks of the last few years that love and adventure are still possible.

  That love is not just thought, but action.

  I celebrated the marriage of a sweet friend who had waited decades to be a wife. And I got to hear and see up close and personal, the ways in which God tailor-made her love story with her now-husband.

  Details that not even the best screenwriter would think to include. Details that would blow your mind and leave you in awe. Details that are more than a coincidence, and almost seem mathematically impossible. Details that only God could do.

  I needed to see this partnership. This new marriage. This fresh legacy.

  Their marriage is about love. Yes. Of course.

  But it’s also clearly about legacy and a bigger story. God’s story.

  I wanted to touch and agree to that.

  Because that’s one of the aspects of marriage that’s always stirred me: Legacy.

  I honestly don’t know how I got so obsessed with the idea of Legacy but I did.

  The idea that love could span and effect generations, generations that you may never get to meet – yeah. That.

  So to hear of their big dreams of creating an incredible youth camp in Colorado – it hit home for me. Deeply.

  And as I drove through Colorado, I couldn’t help but exhale deeply and peacefully.

  2023 has been a year I’ve written to you about in many past posts. A year I’ve been anticipating for so long.

  And here I was in 2023 feeling stuck, single and in transition again.

  Going to Colorado, I knew my heart would be revived and primed for love, but I wasn’t necessarily looking for it.

  I simply wanted to “Be” and “Enjoy”.

  And since you know me, that involves finding new places to country dance.

  And find new places I did.

  It’s always refreshing to me, meeting men outside of Southern California.

  There is an unhurried attention that they seem to have.

  The men I met in Colorado gave me all the direct eye contact a girl could ever want. And they were not stingy with their compliments.

  My first night in Colorado, I found this great dance spot (referred by another dance friend of mine from California) and I went by myself, with little expectation to actually get a dance in.

  Sometimes as the ‘New Girl’ in town, not many lead dancers ask you to dance, because they’re not sure if you can, want to, or of your dance level.

  But at this gem of a place, men simply came up to me, without knowing me or if I could “perform well” and simply asked me to dance.

  I was in love.

  Just being seemed to be enough.

  What a thought.

  My new dating coach is constantly challenging me to talk to new guys every week and I was excited to test out this challenge in Colorado.

  And so I told the introvert in me to simply have a go. Not to worry about my ego. And to have fun.

  So that first night in Colorado I scanned the dancehall and saw a couple of guys that caught my eye, but for whatever reason this tall drink of water piqued my curiosity.

  I slowly walked around that country dance bar, hoping to make my way over to him, but I was intercepted multiple times by some very kind gentlemen who asked me to dance. And I was there to dance. So dance I did.

  These felt like kind and gentle invitations, nothing abrasive about their asks.

  It felt good to be asked, actually.

  Especially in a new environment.

  I felt like I was truly breaking free of my friend-zone persona in a deeper way and seen as an actual romantic pursuit.

  I say this, because a guy friend at church, just a few weeks prior had made a point to end our in-depth conversation by calling me “Sister”.

It was something like, “It was good talking to you, sister.”

  And I remember cringing a little bit inside.

  I imagine his intent was endearment, but it reminded me of my many years being in church leadership and community and never being asked out on date, because we were all just bros and sisters hanging out.

  And here we are with folks in their 30s, 40s, and 50s+ who wanted/want to be married ages ago but haven’t been able to step into romance in the way they were hoping or in some cases fearful of -- or lack the skill to date in healthy, kind, and honoring ways.

  But in a new state and a new place, I showed up differently.

  I was experienced differently.

  I kept looking behind me as folks were giving me the kindest compliments. And these compliments were directed at me.

  I was like. I know I’m cute. But DANG y’all. Really? OKAY.  But I’m here for it.

  And as you may have guessed. Me showing up the way that I did, didn’t happen by accident.

  Y’all know the inner heart work I’ve done these last several years and continue to do.

  I’m learning how to be at home in my own God-given feminine body and relax into love.

It’s quite gorgeous.

I mean, this process has been as hard as nails at some points along the way. AND it’s also still been deeply beautiful.

  Because often, I walk into just about any room and feel Beautiful. And that doesn’t take away from the other beautiful women in the room. But it’s still my own beauty that I get to steward and feel at home in.

  All the curves. All the dimples. All the lines.

  And what happened to that tall drink of water that I was hoping to talk to that night in Colorado? I never got a chance to say hello or ask if he’d like to be my baby daddy that night.

  And now that I think about it. My opening line may have been a bit much. So perhaps it was for the best that we didn’t connect that night.

  But I did have another chance meeting with him later and let’s just say, that was unexpected…

  But this year is unfolding. As I imagine yours is.

  The days just keep coming.

  It’s expansive and annoying.

  Kind of like, how the sweet guy I met from Idaho on a dating app, who vigorously pursued me, and then quickly stated that he didn’t have the bandwidth and time to actually pursue dating.

  He ended his last message to me by saying: “Best of luck my friend!”

  Ah. I see. Not quite sister. I’ve now transitioned back to friend.

  Progress, maybe?

  Mind you, this was before Colorado.

  I’m guessing this lovely Mr. Idaho was simply doing his best to be kind. And after 3 days of being annoyed at him and that statement. I came around to being thankful for it.

  Because it’s now so much more clear.

  Not just to me but to the men who come into my sphere.

  They don’t have to pretend with me, but simply be real.

  And I get to be real in return.

  That Sunday before I flew to Colorado, I had just finished a second date with a kind, gentle soul.

But by that second date, I knew there wasn’t the type of connection that I was hoping for. And I was as kind and clear as I could be about it the following day.  He sweetly agreed. And we left on kind terms.

Wow. I learn something new about my heart, God, and men each time I go on a simple date.

  Vulnerability, honesty, hopes, and desires are laid on the table. And you can choose to show up or be a persona.

With this Mr. Gentle, a fellow God-lover, he stated that his intention in dating was to leave the person better than he found them. I told him that I was stealing that mantra.

  I was never one who knew how to date. I’m very much a late bloomer in that regard. And it’s crazy to me that I’ve actually been on multiple dates this year. More dates this year than I’ve been on in my entire life collectively.

It feels so different when you are not experienced solely as a sister-friend.

  But you enter a new garden.

  New possibilities.

I was dancing at my local spot last month, and this sweet girl came up to me and said, “I HAVE to know your name! I’ve been calling you ‘Pixar Mom’ this whole time! I tell my friends to look at “Pixar Mom” dancing! You’re my favorite!”

  I smiled and giggled with a little confusion.

  And I told her my name.

  I then proceeded to hug her and thank her for being so kind. And then she sweetly skipped off back into the crowd..

“Pixar Mom”?

I mean. I don’t have kids. But I do have that mom vibe.

What did she mean by that?

Later that night I did a quick Google search and found O’plenty of ‘Pixar Mom’ memes.

I CRACKED UP.

The memes are based on the fact that certain Pixar moms have small waists and noticeable ‘junk in the trunk’.

Or as the kids might say: “A dump truck wagon”….

Well.

Where is the lie?

  If you’ve met me in person or seen my dance videos, you may have noticed (or not) but God in His kindness gave me curves and Lucille (Mama) was truly the template for my Pixar shape.

  I’ve had this shape since I was about 14.

  And I’ve always done my best to hide it. To stay safe and to not bring too much attention to myself.

  But that hiding took a toll.

  And that’s why coming back home to my body, especially as a Christian woman, has been so important and so healing.

  I’ve come to embrace my curves with freedom and a bit of humor.

  Not in a braggadocios sort of way.

  But simply with ease, reverence and joy.

  I’m grateful for this strong body of mine. Doing things at my age that I never dreamed I could.

And I know that in my own vulnerability I’m still safe with God.

That’s such a wild revelation I’m living in right now.

Being vulnerable and safe.

And here we are.

Back at the beginning.

I knew we’d get here.

There’s more in store.

Because with each new beginning, a middle is around the corner. And a season is preparing to shift us once more.

I still have big dreams for 2023.

Dreams of falling in love.

  Dancing wildly.

  Praying fiercely for those I love.

  Seeing God move in the hearts of those I teach, mentor, and coach.

  And perhaps find a reason to go back to Colorado or perhaps more of Colorado might come to me.

  I feel like I’m blooming again.

  And it’s gentle, soft and slow.

I am a sister.

I am a friend.

I am a ‘Pixar Mom’.

But the one thing I’m remembering most right now.

Is that…

I am loved.

Wisdom’s Knocking: 

“We love because he first loved us.”

~ 1 John 4:19

I Quit

“I QUIT.”

  Those were the words I whispered over and over again yesterday.

  2023 has not yet delivered the hope, joy and expectancy I had wanted it to.

And yes, I know – It’s been way too long since I’ve spent some time with you here in this space.

Honestly, I think I’ve been avoiding the vulnerability and transparency that we’ve cultivated her over the years..

  This is where I let you see me. Really see me.

  Not just the clips and bits you might catch of me on one of my dancing videos or live Instagram prayer times.

  Not just the social media highlights of me running backstage on shows like the Grammys.

  But this is my real realness.

  Stripped of all my accolades and accomplishments – I’m just a girl sitting in front of a computer sharing her heart – hoping to find connection and understanding.

  Many of you have spent some significant time with me here in this space  – some of you are just discovering who I am and what I’ve been writing about for 15+ years  - nevertheless, I invite you in.

  I’ve been wrestling quite a bit and on the verge of throwing things…

  They say ‘Safety’ is the foundation of all positive emotions.

  Meaning, if you feel safe, you can feel free to express joy, happiness, delight, etc.

  I’ve been wrestling with this idea the last few days:

  Is it still safe for me to dream?

  To dream big with God.

  Do we know when God is truly breathing on something and moving the dial forward in our lives?

  How is that confirmed?

  I felt bamboozled last year when I had a pretty, significant dream of a man, who in the dream, seemed to appear out of nowhere, but full of smiles and felt like mine.

  Have you ever had a dream or a sense like that?

  Prior to me having that dream that night, I had whispered to the Lord – “I miss my man” – whoever he may be…I just needed to feel held that night.

  And bammm.

  Just like that, a glorious dream appeared.

  Let me first preface with – I too am subject to “Pizza dreams” -- dreams that might simply be caused by the pressures of the day or the late night snack I had…but in rare specific cases, I’ve dreamed of people and places that I’ve never met or been too, only to actually meet those people & places in real life – sometimes this happens immediately after the dream….sometimes a little while after.

  So when I say that I had a dream that stood out to me – just know it had weight of a certain track record with me.

  Later that week – a beautiful stranger appears in my life (Of course we meet at a country spot…) – he even mirrored some of the gestures that this man did in my dream.

  I was in shock.

  But I held all this information close to my chest.

  I didn’t say a word to him about it.

  After that night, we went our separate ways.

  I was bummed he didn’t ask for my number, but chalked it up to a one-time experience - and that his ‘job’ was pretty much done in that moment.

  We had good conversation. Enjoyed each other’s company. And that was the end of that chapter.

  But something in me expected to see this guy again.

  And of course, I did the thirsty girl stance thangs: Everywhere I went, I expected to see this guy – I even went to places that I thought he might show up – but nope, our paths never crossed again in 2022.

  Mind you, I’ve been sharing with you on previous blog posts, about how I’ve been on a weird relationship probation period – where I felt that I wouldn’t really meet my man until 2023.

  So while I was on the look out for “Mr. Dream Man” – I was torn – because in the back of my mind, I was like, “So maybe that guy was just a warm up?” Just to show me that I could have an easy connection with someone who felt kind, attractive and normal to me?

  But why did he have to come with such a pronounced dream?

  I had met plenty of other attractive, nice guys before and after him – but for some reason, this joker stood out from the rest…

  So after my brief encounter with “Mr. Dream Man”, I spent some more time in prayer, just asking God to bring some clarity for my heart.

  A few weeks later, I had another dream of this guy. He was driving a car, I was in the passenger seat and someone who seemed to be a mutual friend of ours, was sitting in the middle backseat.

  In the dream it was nighttime, he was driving me to his home, and the friend in the back seat says out loud, “I think you two like each other…”

  And he replies (almost as if I’m not in the car) “I think you’re right…I don’t normally teach someone to dance…”

  I just look out of the passenger window in shock and in smiles. And then the dream ends.

  I woke up from a dead sleep and jotted down that dream – but still didn’t know what I was really supposed to do with it.

  I had no contact info for this guy and we didn’t live in the same city.

  And when I shared this dream with prayerful friends, no one really had any final insights or answers. It was more or less implied – “Just keep living…”

  So I just marinated on it.

  But as I did – it built in me this crazy expectancy for a wild romance climax of sorts with this mystery guy.

  But I did do my best to lay down the narratives of fantasy – and when I say I did my best…I want you to truly know that I did my fantastic terrible worst at it.

  Yes, I did meet other guys – yes, I went on a date later in the year – but it all felt lackluster.

  My heart still felt unresolved.

  I ended up having another crazy dream in the summer of 2022 of a different guy who I felt like I had a ‘Season’ with – but it didn’t have the same type of gravitas as the previous dream.

  But at that point, I had traveled a bit, met some new guys who intrigued me and had developed a crush on a co-worker that pretty much lasted me until the end of 2022.

  I was not thinking of Mr. Dream Man at all at that point..

  And towards the end of 2022, no man was really thinking of me. At least not vocally. And I was okay with that.

  I chose to take time away from dating altogether and simply focus on my next life chapter and what I wanted to dream up. I spent most of November and  December weeping and coming back home to my child-like heart.

  It felt refreshing.

  My heart needed rest and I got it.

  But I knew come 2023, ‘Everything would be different’.

  I was going to hire a new dating & relationship coach, because the church at large has done a really weird job of helping grown folks date in a healthy, productive way. We’re getting better at it slowlyyyyy – but dang ya’ll.

  We have a generation of folks that were told to avoid intimacy and sex at all costs, BUT to also only engage with the opposite sex by pursuing marriage solely. I’m not that great at math, but something doesn’t fully add up.

  It seems like some steps might have been skipped….

  That’s why in the next 5 -7 years, I’m pretty sure your church is going to have a dating/relationship pastor/director on staff – because the dynamics between men and women are not to be feared, but rather understood, nurtured, and taught well.

  So I knew that once I got to 2023, hired my new dating coach, stepped into my certification class for body-oriented coaching (we’ll talk about this on a later blog), got passed doing the Grammys, and got back to planning retreats for single women & creatives, my man would be ready to swoop me up.

  Later in 2022, I realized the reason I was attracting so many incredibly attractive men who were emotionally unavailable for real relationship and commitment – was because I wasn’t really emotionally available and ready to be fully seen and known.

  I was attracting men, who loved to comment on my dancing and how beautiful I looked, but couldn’t go deep, past surface conversation.

  And I was the SAME WAY.

  I was objectifying men.

  I was seeing how I could simply use them for my own personal relationship goal, rather than engaging with them fully as unique men – as a human with a real heart, real thoughts, real dreams, real goals –

  Not just a trophy that I could put on the shelf of my own ego:

  “See, I can catch a hot man, and get married.”

  “Look at my hot man & kingdom marriage.”

  When did I get so petty?

It’s so interesting to me the ways in which God reveals our own heart to ourselves.

  I’m currently reading the book of Jeremiah.

  *slow clap*

  This book felt dry as the Sahara to me when I first got into it.

  Yesss, there is a whole lot that happens before the 29th chapter and the 11th verse. Otherwise known as one of the “O.T. Hits”.

  But then I got to chapter 9 last week.

  And something arrested my heart.

  The God of the universe was giving us direct insight into His mind & His heart.

  He’d rather have your heart than your empty actions.

  Don’t just go to church and warm a seat with your bum and not actually have a heart that says, God, I’m yours. Wholly, completely. No matter what.

  Like I would tell my youth group kids, just because you stand in a garage, doesn’t make you a car---and just because you go to church doesn’t mean you actually know and love God.

  There’s a real shift – that only God knows when it’s truly legit inside of you.

  We can fool everyone else – and sometimes even ourselves.

  But God knows when He has your heart and your real life.

  And so God showed me my heart towards men in this season.

  I had been doing so much incredible, thoughtful work with women and for women, that men became an objectified end goal.

  And no one wants to be objectified – and according to Jeremiah 9:24, not even God.

  He longs to be known, understood, and loved. Rather than given empty religious actions to achieve some sort of goal.

  And we are created in His image.

  And the men in my life, like me, want to be richly known, understood, and loved.

  And that takes initiative AND PRACTICE.

  And this is why I think dating can be so illuminating and healthy.

  Whether it was stated or not in 2022, the men around me could low-key sense my thirst and objectification. Which was attracting certain men romantically and repelling others.

  And depending on which environment I was in, my thirst would rise or decrease.

  So I knew I wanted to stop this cycle intensely in 2023.

  And now it comes back to…

Safety.

Safety is one of the foundations that I teach and help to develop in the single women that I work with.

  But I too need a constant refresher course on this.

  Where we have a felt sense of safety, there is also a deep sense of peace.

  But I realized, that in the space of dating, something felt unsafe to me about men.

  There’s a certain narrative I’ve believed about men, specifically men who I find attractive, that they are not 100% safe.

  And yes, I’m going to delve into this more with my own personal coaching team as well.

  But what I do know, is that I love men who are not afraid of me. Who truly want to engage me with questions.  Because they help me to remember that I don’t need to be afraid of myself and my wildness -- They help me to settle into an atmosphere of safety and peace.

  But now, I realize, I need to invite men into this space. Into my space.

  Most gentlemen won’t rush into the space of my wilderness without being invited.

  And now I realize that’s quite healthy on their part.

  Because previously, I simply wanted to be ‘Rescued.’

  That was also my poor definition of being “Feminine” -- Downplaying  myself, and seeking to be rescued.

  But God keeps reminding me…”Hey baby girl, I already rescued you…”

  But what I get to be led into with my man, is a beautiful partnership.

  I need him. And he needs me.

  We both go further together, than if we were apart.

  Being helped, protected, & provided for is not the same as my limp definition of being “Rescued”.

  I still have to show up to do my own work.

  My own work on my life, job, ministry, heart, etc.

  And yet, there’s something that a man and the masculine brings to my life that a woman simply does not.

  And I realize that there are men in my life who see all of me in my God-loving wildness and want to step closer, to protect it, build with it, and provide for it.

  Some of those men are a part of my support & dream team tribe – where they also get to help vet the men who are trying to pursue me romantically.

  And then there are those men who want to step closer to me and feel compelled to protect, build, and provide for me in a romantic way, and I am willing to make space, depending on their character as a man.  

Update: I saw Mr. Dream Man at the top of 2023. After almost a year! He looked different to me. Hardened a bit. Like he had been through and seen some things. Our connection was different – I asked how we could stay in contact – and we exchanged numbers. But it all felt a bit forced. I texted him a couple times – his responses were short. And then…no responses. Our last exchange left me feeling angry, played, and confused. Slowly stepping out of this funk. But somehow feeling the story is not fully over. If anything, I do pray he has a crazy experience with God that radically blesses his life. He doesn’t need to end up with me to be blessed, but I would love to see some crazy redemption from this saga…

What I learned at the end of my 2022 and what I’m repeating to myself all throughout my 2023,  is that I don’t need to be abrasive or “Prove” myself in any environment.

  Even with what happened with “Mr. Dream Man” & the other guys I met in 2022 (Who ghosted me or said offensive things to me) -- my heart still remains open to real love.

  I can be gentle and strong.

  Speaking of gentle…

  And a little bit tender…

  I’m feeling all the feels right now.

  And let’s just say, the top of this year has been full of grandiose disappointment.

  So much so that I wanted to close down all my coaching work, shut down my own BCM program for single Christian women and just bury my head in my bed until whenever…

  I personally vacillate between feeling like a big fat, laughing-stock billboard of singleness humiliation and a possible living martyr for all Christian single girls over 30+

  And with the recent news of one of my girls possibly getting catfished – I felt as though what I was teaching and providing was dumb – faulty and at worse…perhaps truly UNHELPFUL.

  So I reached out to my key intercessor & prayer partner for BCM, a friend of mine who I’ve invited in to pray over and investigate the work that I do with my single women. I texted her in a tizzy and simply said, I’m at a roadblock. I’m stuck. I’m ready to Quit.

  But in true mature fashion…she responded with such grace and kindness, she affirmed that she heard me, but also put something on the table. “Let’s wait a few days and see what He says…”

  Ugh.

  YUCK.

  Waiting sounds like “Go F Yourself” to me at this point.

  Haven’t we waited enough??

  Why isn’t there ‘Breakthrough’? Or at least newness of some sort in this area?

  As I write to you, I still don’t know if I responded to her text – I just let it sit there in the texting atmosphere..

  Shaking my fist at God.

  Stewing in the lack of physical affection and sexual frustration.

  Mind you, yes, my beautiful cycle is also on the way – AND also…another important date hit yesterday.

It’s so CRAZY to me how our body’s know things before our brain does.

  Meaning, I went one year, busy as can be, forgetting the anniversary of when my dad died. And on a ‘random’ Saturday, I went out driving and just ugly cried my eyes out to worship music for a few hours.

  Even in the midst of it all, I was like…what is going on with me?

  I’m not on my period. Why this intense dramatic response all of a sudden??

  But when I got home, I was reminded that it was the exact date that my dad died.

  I had honestly forgotten (in my mind) but my body didn’t…

  And much like that day, yesterday was rough.

  It was my dad’s birthday.

  This date I remember all too well.

  My mom’s birthday is in January, my dad’s was in February, and mine is in March.

  That was just our family thing.

  So anytime I start to get close to the end of January and the beginning of February, I tense up slightly.

  This year, I had the distraction of the Grammys – and so I thought…”Yeah, I’m great. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m tired. But I’m fine.”

  But then the day came.

  RUH ROH.

  NOT FINE.

I was stewing with anger and disappointment.

  I didn’t want to feel my grief.

  I didn’t want to feel let down by God.

  I didn’t want to feel my desire to be in a healthy committed relationship with a man.

  I didn’t want to feel.

  I was frustrated with so much and it was all coming to the surface.

  I wanted to quit caring so much.

  Plus, I was irritated with how I perpetuated a toxic work ethic of 16+ hour days for myself and my team in the last week.

  So mix grief with exhaustion and you get this blog post…

  But mostly, I genuinely and intensely missed my dad for that long 24-hour period.

I was aching.

  But I wasn’t reaching out to let my ache be known.

  Everyone was still commenting on my country line dancing and backstage Grammys videos.

  Not just online, but in person.

  But I wasn’t using my voice.

  People genuinely asked me that night in person, how I was doing.

  And I lied.

  I said I was fine. “I’m good.”

  Like we so often do…

  I just didn’t want to unload all of what I’m unloading now and just start ugly crying out in the streets (of which I feel like I do A LOT BTW…*eye rolls*) – plus, I don’t know if I had all this language for it at that point.

  And lastly, I was also tired of people telling me their prescriptive love stories – as if what happened to them was destined or doomed to happen for me.

  I’d like to believe that God is a tad bit more creative than that--than to rinse and repeat another’s love story for someone else.

  But I do know that there are certain beautiful principles in place when it comes to love.

  But the way in which they get to be expressed in our individual love stories are glorioulsy nuanced. And it’s important to extend grace to our respective love journeys.

But I’m beginning to learn again that my voice is safe with you.

  That many of you love holding space for me.

  And I absolutely love holding space for you. It’s one of my great callings:

  To create safe spaces, where love can truly thrive.

  So today, I’m not fully quitting.

  At least I don’t think so.

But I am pausing.

I’m reflecting.

I’m remembering.

And perhaps hoping a bit.

  Something does need to change.

  And I think it might need to be me.

  I realized that there is only so much you can learn about a person by watching them.

  Meaning, your parents, can observe you and see your quirks for your entire life, and still not know the true inner workings of who you are, unless you give voice to yourself and allow yourself to be known.

  Even the most caring, well-intentioned people may not fully see you.

  And that’s okay.

  You still have a voice.

  And it deserves to be heard. And can be heard.

  So please use it.

  And yes, maybe everyone’s voice won’t be on your same frequency, but you’ll know who is on your frequency-- once you speak…

  I also think its vital to our beings, that God says in scripture that, “Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the Heart.”

  God doesn’t objectify us either.

  He doesn’t just use us to His own end, but He is invested in you and with the totality of who you are and how you were made to belong with Him and others.

  So when I say, I think it’s me that needs to change…I’m not speaking of my outward personality necessarily, but rather my inward growth:  Believing even more deeply who God says I am, and the truth that His love affirms me in all seasons of my life.

  And with that growth and change,  I want to move and show up in the world with and in the safety that God’s presence provides and in the texture of how  He celebrates me. He knows us. Like really know us. And He knows the poetry that our lives can make.

  When you are in a safe space where you are fully celebrated and not simply tolerated, it feels as though you’ve gotten your true voice back – vibrant expression and freedom.

  There’s still risk and vulnerability to be had and to navigate through, but safety and celebration are always waiting for you on the other side in God’s presence.

  Even if you’re like me, and drag yourself to the other side kicking, screaming, and using… Ehem…colorful language…God’s presence is still waiting for you on the other side of your circus.

  I’m starting to remember the part that our own unique voices play.

  It’s essential in the journey of being known by others.

  Not just in the macro.

  But in the Micro. Of everyday friendships and relationships.

I’m great at asking questions and evoking stories out of you.

  But when it comes to my voice, all that I want to say takes time.

  It’s like honey ...actually more like molasses.

  (That’s why it’s taking me more than 5 hours to write this post.)

  And I always assume you don’t have time.

  Because I don’t always have time.

  And I like slow, long 3-hour catchups.

  But I’ll quit assuming.

  I’ll let go of control.

  And I’ll simply invite you in.

  It’s up to you if you want to stay.

  And if you don’t want to stay, it’s okay.

  I’m learning to let that go.

  I’ve not mastered the art of letting go.

  But I’m ready to grow.

  And I think that Love is ready to get us there – even when we fiercely yell that we are ready to quit…

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“Few things are more comforting to the soul than the voice of someone who loves us.”

― Wayne Gerard Trotman

Living in the Gray...

Sometimes people want to move fast around you, because if they go slow, they are forced to really be present….

—Present to their chaos, their pain, their unresolved stories, their unhealthy bodies, etc.

  But I think this is part of the reason why I like to go slow.

  I like to pay attention.

  I like to know the truth.

  I was a liar for most of my adolescent years.

  Unfortunately, I can still win a game of Mafia almost every time…

  But now, I feel the sting of conviction.

  I feel the prick of something being off and hurtful.

  Hurtful to the heart of God.

I started something new, with a new group of people.

  And to my surprise it has not been what I expected.

  But what in life usually is?

  But you see, I go slow.

  I like to pay attention.

  Because sooner or later. Time will force you to go slow and pay attention and then you’ll realize you weren’t as present in all those special moments with your friends or family…moments that you can now never get back.

  I’m kinda convinced that there will be 2 questions that God will ask us as Believers after we die:

 1.     Did you learn to love?

2.     And did you learn to tell the truth?

Why is telling the truth so hard.

  Why are little white lies so easy.

It’s impressive to me, how we as Believers and Jesus Lovers, can often be so bold and judgmental about everyone else’s life, and yet we still cheat on our taxes or lie at work consistently.

  As if God is not able to see.

As if the little things don’t matter.

  Nothing is hidden from Him.

  We are naked before Him.

  But to be so bold.

  Dare I say…so prideful.

  To think that we won’t get caught up in our lies – the crazy net that has woven itself around a certain area of our life, will begin to produce fruit. (Don’t be surprised if one certain area of your life oddly starts to unravel in a funky way with some funky fruit…leaving you with the aroma of fear…)

  Sometime around high school or college, I decided I no longer wanted to live in the Gray….plus, God wasn’t really letting me at the time…

  It wasn’t merely about living in the “Black and White” but rather, it was about living in God’s fully exposed Technicolor.

  Living in the Grey is such a rip-off.

  And there’s also a lack of freedom.

  There’s constriction-- because our heart, mind and body know that something is off---cracked in the foundation, when we make lying a habit.

So push against the grain.

Tell the truth.

To yourself.

To God.

To others.

Wrestle it out.

Pray for discernment and grace.

To know when to speak — and to know when to hold your peace. A.K.A. “HUSH YO MOUTH.”

  It’s only taken me 30+ years to allow the Holy Spirit to gently cover  my mouth and hold me back from saying alllll kinds of things….alas, I’m not perfect….but I’m NO WHERE NEAR where I was before. #LettheChurchSayAmen

  Lying is a false form of control.

  Because at the end of the day.

  The foundation is cracked.

  And we will be found out.

  Nothing is hidden from Him.

Nothinggg.

And that’s actually a GLORIOUS THING.;

  God loves you so much that He doesn’t want you parading around as a false version of the human He actually intended you to be.

  So if you are struggling with a habit of lying like I did – simply ask God to give you fresh boldness, love, and courage.

  You’ll start slowing down a bit and actually start to feel and know the sweet conviction of the Holy Spirit— especially when you’re presented with everyday opportunities to lie. It’s a different type of exhale. The sound and feeling of our conscious being beautifully renewed by God’s incredible presence.

There’s blessings on the other side of this.

  That’s what they don’t always tell you.

  The fruit of the Truth is actually sustainable, and full of hope, growth, joy, perseverance, character, blessings, etc.

  While the fruit of of lying is like that of the fake waxed fruit you find at garage sales. No nutrients — no way to sustain you for anything or anyone….especially not long term.

Yes, it does take courage to hear and speak the truth.

  Plus, Jesus refers to Himself as the TRUTH.

  When we align with lying, it’s a bit of a diss in the face of such extravagant glory and love.

  And yes….I know we lie out of fear, out of our own narratives, and out of a thousand different reasons.

  But let’s shed those.

  Let’s step into God’s technicolor in ALL areas of our lives.

  Let’s trust whole-heartedly.

  That’s what we were made for.

  Not this half-booty faith….

  Not “Casual Christianity”….

  But a wild adventure with God the creator of the entire universe.

Isn’t it amazing that something as “Intangible” as belief is what Jesus asks us to do in order to have relationship with God through Him and eternal life. I mean, I get it. It sounds CRAY. But it’s still all true.

  So no wonder why something as “Intangible” as lying has more of an effect than what we might’ve previously imagined….

  So what will you choose today…?

  The everyday Gray….or the ever expansive technicolor of God in all areas of your life?...

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“I call Heaven and Earth to witness against you today: I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. Oh yes, he is life itself, a long life settled on the soil that God, your God, promised to give your ancestors, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.”

— Deuteronomy 30:19-20 (The Message Translation)

A Short Story on Knowing Your Worth

When true love and acceptance walks into the room, it’s almost as if we don’t know where to put our hands or look.

Our eyes quickly go to the ceiling.

  To the floor.

  To our chest.

Ugh.

  It’s too uncomfortable.

  It feels too vulnerable.

  It’s time to whip out the trusty cell phone.

  And let’s pretend someone is texting us.

  Or better yet, that we have an important text to get out.

IMMEDIATELY.

Because we are THAT important.

  And THAT afraid of Love.

  I didn’t quite understand how Love and Worth were intrinsically tied to another until this past year. Love and Worth are kind of like the data in our DNA strands. It’s all apart of the same story.

  Sometimes in my Christian circles, you’ll often hear us say how “Unworthy” we are or that we “Deserve” pain and suffering because of the decisions we’ve made in life.

  But the narrative that ultimately speaks the loudest, above our feeble attempts at consistent good works or false humility--Is that of the accomplished love mission of Jesus.

  The real narrative is that you and I were and are actually Worth it to God.

  If you weren’t. The story of Jesus would not be complete.

  He died for a world deemed worth dying for, in order for us to be reunited with true love, our true home. God.

  And will we accept this love and truth is always the question given to each person.

  I had accepted that beautiful and grand narrative of Jesus, but I had also bought into culture’s narrative that I needed to prove my worth by my accomplishments and doing.

  I thought if I checked off certain milestones…high school, university, a master’s degree, start working in the entertainment industry…everything else in my life would fall into place.

  I hustled hard.

  I had a lot of fun..

  But I still didn’t know what to do with my hands when Love walked into the room.

  I started a small business called Together Good Co. 4 years ago.

  I woke up one morning and felt God invite me on a crazy mission.

  I had no idea what I’d be “Selling” or what “Service” I would be providing.

  But basically God whispered, “Are you up for an adventure?”

  And I said, “Sure…why not…”

  Mostly because, all my previous dreams of becoming a sitcom writer, a director, and a documentarian had all fizzled into the hazy background of my now growing television production career.

  I know that might sound glamorous as well. But let me paint an accurate picture for you. As I became booked more and more as a celebrity dressing room manager— and later a production manager, my work agenda looked something like this:

• 15+ hour days.

• 2+ hour commutes.

• Working holidays.

• No time for family, friends, or a real romantic relationship.

• Lifting and moving heavy things.

• Shopping all around Southern California.

• Answering emails as early as 5am and as late as midnight.

• Learning the layout of new studios and venues for every new show I do.

• Creating digital layouts.

• Picking up trash after celebrities.

• Meeting all the deadlines.

• Being the point of contact for almost every department on set.

• Designing celebrity green room spaces.

• Managing a team and teaching them new protocols and practices for each show or event.

• And when I was fully production managing, the kicker was overseeing budgets that were larger than what I had made in my entire career combined.

COMBINED.  

  But during that time, I wasn’t bitter. I actually wasn’t hurt at all.

  I was actually clueless.

  I simply thought: “This is the way.”

This is simply the way it is.

  And I kept on having fun, hustling hard, and skipping down my yellow brick road. But Oz was about to give me some real life lessons…

  As Together Good Co. began to grow in some subtle and unexpected ways, I knew it was time to hire a professional business coach.

  Because honestly, I had NO idea what I was doing in business, and I needed someone with real RECEIPTS. Someone who loved God, was kind, and way ahead of me as an entrepreneur and had the financial proof to show for it.

  And after looking for over a year, God brought me THE MOST LEGIT business coach EVER.

  And what I’ve learned in the world of entrepreneurs -- at least the ones I’ve been around, is that they are SUPER transparent when it comes to money.

  Like these homies, will show you the exact amount of money they made on a previous launch or campaign. Quarterly revenue, snapshots of their Stripe accounts, real-time receipts, etc.! I was like…

I had never seen anything like that!

  Real dollar and cents ya’ll.

  In my industry – or at least in my specific genre of TV & events work, we don’t often talk about our daily/weekly paid rates publicly.

  It’s all pretty much kept on the low-low.

  And honestly, I thought that was pretty dang respectful.

  Until…

  Until my business coach straight up asked me, how much I made per event/TV show.

  And I bravely told him.

  HE. WAS. APPALLED.

  I was confused.

  Was my rate THAT low?

  I actually thought it was kinda high…?

  I mean, it wasn’t really enough for me to live off of, but it still got me work…and I wanted to work…and I didn’t want to miss out on anything – even if they were scraps…because that’s all I might get…

  Plus, a work colleague of mine, who knew my ‘New’ rate (the rate that was appalling to my business coach) – commented that I probably would *not get jobs because my rate was “Too High” and that I should consider lowering it to get hired more...

  And he wasn’t all the way wrong, I did get pushback from certain producers that didn’t want to pay my new rate.

  No one in my role had ever made more than a specific amount.

  Plus. That’s the way it’s always been.

  “So why don’t you ask for more?” my business coach said.

  Because they won’t give it to me and I won’t be hired.

  “But you have over 20 years worth of experience….”

  Well—

  “Look at the type of shows and events you’ve done…”

  But…

  “But do you believe that your worth it?”

  And then I started to cry.

I didn’t.

  Somewhere down deep, I didn’t believe that I was worth it…

  I didn’t know how to truly say it. So I cried.

  I barely knew what to do with my hands.

  Working was my worth.

  But compensation wasn’t.

  In the attempts of trying to be nice and accommodating at work – I had played myself…for almost 20 years…

  And now, I somehow believed I didn’t deserve more or couldn’t’ even ask…

  It was easier to believe that I should strive or stay stuck for the rest of my work career instead of opening up a new door of possibilities to receive...

  But who would be willing to pay the cost of what I now believe my work ethic and experience is worhy of?

“If they can’t afford you, graciously decline. But you should absolutely know your worth.”

It was clear now.

  I had believed a lie.

  But now True Love walked into a room, sat at a table and told me some things…

  And that was the beginning of me seeing so much more clearly, how Love and Knowing Your Worth were united in the same story.

  It’s not a pompous knowing out of arrogance, but rather drips with kindness, humility, and truth.

  It’s an inward receiving and an outward focus.

  It’s love — making you brave and honest.

  So, that day with my coach, I never looked at my job, my life, my business, or money in the same way again.

  I’ve learned that in the entrepreneurial space, rates/pay scale are not merely set by emotion, but by a beautiful formula that encapsulates cost of living, expertise, results you give your clients, and the industry you are serving in.

  So honestly, your service/product rate could be just about anything – especially if you give great results to your people.

  So in the vein of true transparency…I don’t know how much you think I make each day, working in the entertainment industry, but I can almost guarantee you that it’s lower than the number you are imagining right now.

**(If you are on my private Together Good Co. email list by 12/10/21, I’ll share my dollar and cents rate, for those that are curious…Or if you join later, simply reply back to me, when you get your welcome email. I feel it’s important to be transparent in these matters with my trusted community…)

  And this year I had to tell another coach and friend, how much I make daily/weekly on my TV/Events jobs.

  It’s been embarrassing and so freeing.

  I’m starting to learn where to place my hands.

  What’s kept me tied to the entertainment industry has been my relationships established over the last 2 decades with work family and the ridiculous amount of fun we’ve had on site – while seeing behind the scenes moments of musicians and actors that the rest of the world will never see…

  But recently, I’ve had to make some hard decisions, as Together Good Co. has grown into a beautiful community supporting women and creatives, while continuing to expand, as long as God allows.

My hands are up high.

  Above my head.

  In a statement of surrender.

  Letting go.

  But ready to grab the reigns of something new.

  Knowing that Love will always catch me.

  And that certain dreams may die, but new dreams are welcome to emerge.

  Seasons bring forth Winter.

  But also Summer.

  Thankful that I’ve finally learned that my worth is established and blooming.

  And now, I have a new dream job in mind.

  Something that pays my worth and gives me space and time to grow, while I pour into Together Good Co. on nights and weekends.

  This is the new dream.

  While everyone is trying to break away from the 9 to 5, this 20-year freelance veteran happily welcomes it; and the new adventure it will hold. (Like actually paying all my bills on time! And proper health benefits! Ha! My freelancers know the struggle!)

  And nope, I’m not dictating a 5 year plan.

  I know better than that. Ha!

  But for the new year ahead, it will be new...

And a bit like starting over.

It might not be easy, but it will be worth it.

  You’re worth it.

  I’m worth it.

And love is still fueling our storyline.

True Love walks into the room, and sits down at a table where you are sitting.

True Love tells you, you can do anything…just not everything…

And True Love reminds you, the love you give away is the love you keep.

Then True Love whispers to you, you can stop hiding now.

So now beloved,

…What will you go do?

Wisdom’s Knocking: 

“We have become his poetry, a re-created people that will fulfill the destiny he has given each of us, for we are joined to Jesus, the Anointed One. Even before we were born, God planned in advance our destiny and the good works we would do to fulfill it!”

 ~ Ephesians 2:10 (The Passion Translation)

I Don’t Date. But I Do Want to Be Married...

Yep, that was an exact quote from my mouth. 

And I’m pretty sure that if you search through all my blog posts here you’ll find that phrase popping up several times... 🙃

Recently, I saw the “I Don’t ‘Date’” language appear online. Ironically enough it was on someone’s online dating profile...Go figure.  As well as seeing that language on a friend’s social media feed this past week.

And I was like...Ohhhh yeahhh, I know you. I know those words quite well. Long time no see my sweet, sweet friend.

It’s been about 15 years since I’ve been writing to you in this blog --I know. I can barely believe it either. 

But throughout that time, I’ve had trusted friends, pastors, mentors, church leaders, work peers, and incredible parents who love God, encouraging me in the ways of healthy relationships, every step of the way. My tribe has also helped me navigate “The Wait”, “Situationships”, and so much more.

And to you! You’ve been here too. Thank you for sticking with me in this crazy romance adventure of mine.

Alongside silently documenting every relationship story I’ve ever come across (in order to gain wisdom and insight) I’ve also prayed my way through some treacherous and hopeless looking situations. 

And yet, God’s goodness found me and rescued me every single time. Every. TIME. 

So last year, after a painful sense of defeat, I began a new adventure of self reflection, prayer, and relationship coaching. 

And as you already know, those 3 things changed my life once again.

While in the throes of being relationship coached, I was challenged by my community and our lead coach to step out into the world of...DATING.

AHHHHH!

What.

Really. Dating?!

But listen, I had invested a significant amount of money into this coaching program -- and also towards the healing of my own heart, and you better believe I was going to get my money’s worth….even if it involved me stepping outside of my current comfort zone.

Now mind you, I wasn’t going to go against my “peace” - that peaceful presence within me (thank you Holy Spirit!) that continually lets me know if something is awry or amiss. But I also wasn’t going to be bound by fear in any area. Nope. Not today.

I’ve spent too many years living under the chokehold of fear...and I was not haven’t it. No ma'am. 

So I was simply gonna jump.

And like a little kid, I was going to trust that my Dad would catch me regardless of how high and far I jumped..

But first, I had to delve into some real-deal-Holyfield questions before truly giving an honest go at dating. 

If I was going to do this thing, I didn’t want to do it half baked in any way. Again, do it sincerely -- or just don’t do it at all. Plus, the prayerful investment that I had made towards my own heart with God was significant….and I began to hear a sweet whisper in my spirit: ...”Don’t be afraid and don’t ‘phone this in’......”

But why exactly was the “D” word such a weighted thing for me? 

Did I assume and judge the heart posture and mindset of folks right off the bat…?

Did I assume that they weren’t serious or intentional if they chose to date?..Or if they chose to date multiple people before finding their person?

Was I fearful of being played?

Was I fearful of men?

Was I looking for some sort of savior/Prince Charming and Perfect instead of a real man with flaws, vulnerabilities and a real heart and soul to do good?

Was I afraid of marrying the wrong person - like somehow my “Picker” was ruined, because I picked some real “Winners” in the past (We’re not just talking about guy friends, but lady friends as well)?

Let me just make the answer to this pop quiz super easy. The answer is YES to all of the statements above. #carryon

So therefore, my undercover reasoning being….*NOT dating would lessen the chance for me to make any choices (especially bad ones), therefore, I only had to make 1 choice….with 1 man...and wouldn't' need to meet or date more than 1 guy. 

The truth was, I didn’t trust myself. But that’s not the story that God was beginning to whisper to me…..

The one thing we can learn about Love from God is the freedom to choose. In fact, love can’t be in the room if there’s not a choice for it to not be accepted. It’s ever giving, without demanding. It’s unconditional. And it’s full of peace without striving. It’s amazing to me that God invites us into His grand love story, but He doesn’t make us enter it or even stay there. The choice is yours.

He so values and trusts your ability to choose. Wow. 

That’s kind of mind-blowing.

But love leaves room for choice.

So not only are you worthy of love, but God considers you a trustworthy vessel as well. 

Um. Go ahead and drink that in. Really.

YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. EVERY PART OF YOU. 

AND GOD CONSIDERS YOU A TRUSTWORTHY VESSEL. 

Why else would God extend the invitation of giving us Jesus (John 3:16) and the Holy Spirit to indwell inside of you (I know. It’s quite breathtaking.). But I would offer to you, that ONE of those reasons being... God believes in you more than you believe in yourself.

And I think you know that to be true, when you encounter a moment with God, or with someone who is filled with His spirit -- the kindness and overwhelming love and acceptance you automatically feel is beyond natural, it’s truly supernatural.

And that’s the narrative that God began to breathe over me as He uncovered my hidden shame and fear when it came to dating and risking vulnerability. He would simply whisper to my heart: 

“You are worthy of love. Every part of you. 

And the journey to discovering the man I have for you, will never remove your worth or your place in my heart. You are a trustworthy vessel. Even if you make mistakes, my love and forgiveness are always here for you with open arms.”

There’s this beautiful phrase in the relationship coaching world: “Every man is a teacher.”

Meaning, every date doesn’t lead to a relationship, every relationship doesn't lead to an engagement, and every engagement doesn’t lead to a marriage. But yet, you learn something profound and important from each man, if you have a heart to pay attention, discern, and heal.

These become lessons of wisdom that can never be stolen from your heart or spirit. And inevitably enlarge your capacity to receive and give love in all your relationships.

So as God began to infuse me with more of His radically beautiful love narrative over my crusty dusty heart, certain things became even clearer.

It didn’t necessarily mean that things would become ‘easier’ - but they did become more ‘peace-filled’. I also found that when you know that you are loved and feel loved, while being connected to those things that give you real joy, you can just about do and endure anything. Often in our journeys, we are searching for clarity, but in actuality, I find that we are looking for peace. And then the clarity comes.

The love that I know to be worth fighting for, is usually a bit wild, messy, full of grace, hiccups, growth, discernment, and faith. This faith, this trust... somehow becoming integrous to the love experience as a whole.

But it’s Love that fuels faith.

Not simply dogma or rules. 

Faith is fueled by real love in action.

So how was I going to take some real solid action steps??

Because prior, I basically wanted a faithless dating/relationship experience (or simply a non-existent dating experience)...I wanted a guarantee. I wanted certainty that I would never be hurt everrrr or never be challenged in areas of humility or deeper love. 

But that’s not what God promises us in life.

Even as Believers, we know that we aren’t guaranteed perfect marriages or relationships, but there is a way of living that cultivates a beautiful comeback and redemption for every crappy thing that we might endure. And I am confident in saying that with God, we get to experience the best of what love and marriage have to offer, if we are willing -- but such an adventure of redemption and promise often involve stepping outside of our usual routine, breaking ties with our clever self-preservation habits, and our well-held seemingly secure comfort zones. 

And with that said, how does one know they can walk on water unless they take a step outside of the boat?

Steps taken of course, while keeping your eyes on the source of all Truth & Love….Keeping your gaze and your focus on Jesus. Yes.

But don’t miss the fact that you’re taking steps you once deemed impossible but steps that are drenched in His grace and His Romans 8:28 promise… Knowing that unconditional love is bigger than you think. And that all things in that verse means “All Things”. And that all those things in your story are still being worked together for your good….and also for His glory.

But don’t miss that part…..For *your Good.

Because God is just that kind.

So with that foundation of God’s supernatural unconditional love established and fortified in my bones and body afresh, dating took its proper place.

I began to take radical responsibility regarding my own hangups and let God heal my past relationship/friendship triggers. 

Which in turn, freed me up so that I wasn’t “striving” to make things happen with men, but rather I became much more at peace...easy breezy if you will...(not flippant). But also intentional to not hide but to be seen by legit dating prospects. (Oh, don’t worry...We’ll talk about my online dating journey in my next post! :)…. 

I had grace and time to figure things out. To go slow. To be intentional. To laugh. To cry if needed. To lean back. To let go of all the high stakes and made up narratives in my head. 

My salvation and faith wasn’t on trial or wrecked through this new journey of dating. (To note, I had a GREAT community of women around me during my entrance into dating and I still do)  God’s love for me and my love and adoration for Him was not being quenched, but rather it grew in depth and in compassion towards both men and women. 

But for real, I honestly didn’t expect that part. 

And yet, I know what it feels like to not want to date or not want to feel like you *have to date (which that phrase in and of itself...the “have to” needs to be unpacked for you and yourself- Because dating can actually be a privilege that everyone doesn’t get to do in their romance journey - for reasons we trust that God knows - just as He knows the nuances of each of our own hearts.)

And look-- I also know how it feels to be a full grown adult woman and have NO idea or clue about HOW to even date or go about dating with a real life man-person in the first place... 

That was ME, folks.

But it doesn’t have to be hard or overly complicated.

Really.

How do you naturally make friends? Common interests? You show up to a place, someone asks you a question, you respond, more conversation ensues, maybe food is involved or perhaps fruit punch… And then you decide if you had a genuine vibe with that person or if it was simply superficial and stays on that “associate” need-to know type of basis...for all intents and purposes this scenario kinda sounds like a date...

Dating doesn’t have to be slimy or bow-chica-bow-wow, but can be an extraordinary way to mature and grow in joy and compassion if you know how to do it in such a way.

My main tip to my ladies when it comes to venturing out in the dating world:

Don’t do your dating journey alone. 

Have a community of like-minded women around you who love to hear about the minutia and play-by-play of your relationship stories and daily updates, but it’s key that these be extraordinary women who also know how to give timely compassionate wisdom and insight.  

I’d also like to stress that Dating is not “The relationship” - At this stage, you have no claimed exclusivity to this person. Your posture of heart should simply be that of honoring them with kindness while being curious and excited to have an exchange of stories and time. 

Saying yes to a date doesn’t mean saying yes to an engagement or even a relationship.

But I do understand that some of y'all like to play it that way. Some rather skip out on the discovery faith-walk phase of dating and skip right into the marriage...

And all I have to say to you is this:

And I also know that there’s no shortage of opinions out there, especially when it comes to dating and relationships.

But here's the thing...if you want to give us single gals tips, please have fruit in your relationships that we would actually want to have.

Quite frankly, not all of you fine folks out there giving out marriage and relationship advice have something that my heart truly finds attractive and actually wants. 

But I find that the couples I DO want to have a relationship like are a bit more subtle and laid back about their gold medals, tips and advice.

These couples seem to be so kind and gracious….Humble even. Knowing that the great work and sacrifice it took them to get there and to stay there in that incredible relationship was a mixture of love and miracles. 

At the end of the day, these couples seem to have extraordinary peace in holding their hearts and hands -- regarding all aspects of their lives and relationship, open unto God. 

And to those epic couples, with fruit that we’d actually want to have, we see you. 

We appreciate you. And we love seeing the expression of God in your lives and relationships. And we readily receive the wisdom you have to share in this arena of love and relationships.

And to my married Bffs out there who are ready to chime in with a quickness after this blogpost….Just take a beat. 

And remember, just like your romance story, ours will be a tailor-made experience, full of great God-winks and nuances that make sense to us individually.

Now after you’ve considered that last thought, and you still feel the urge to share some of your wisdom and insights, by all means, go ahead. 

But be warned, we’ll be inspecting dat fruit as well. But I do trust that you’ve learned some great lessons along the way. And I’m here for it.

So back to you, where is fear hiding in your story? Have you been pushing away love unintentionally? 

We’ve had so much weight and stigma on the word Dating in the Christian community - but for most of us as Christians, we aren’t sleeping with the people we date, but simply trying to discern if there’s common ground and connection with the possibility for something more.

If you’re a single woman or man reading this and felt a tinge of annoyance or some sort of stirring - That’s great! 

My question to you is, if you kept doing the same thing you’re doing today, how different would your life be 6 months or a year from now? How would you be showing up in the world?

No different? Completely different?

You can absolutely wait to find out.  Or you can start to step outside of the boat now.

Believe me, I know how hard the first step can be- I was in that EXACT same place - but I also know that God’s faithfulness didn’t run out on me in the midst of the journey. 

So Beloved, what will it be?

Will you trust love just one more time? 

And will you believe that every part of you is worthy of love and that you are truly, decidedly trustworthy…? 

Because you my brave, brilliant one, absolutely are.

Wisdom’s Knocking:

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”

~ Maya Angelou