Those Moments You Feel Dumb

   

    So, most of you know that I was working The Grammys this past week. And I'm still a little shell shocked that I made it through and managed to write throughout the entire week! Seriously, though. I can no longer rely on my excuse of being SOOO busy as a way to hide behind my hearts' true desire to write. You truly make time for what you want to make time for. #truth

     I'm a little bummed that I didn't get to write to you all yesterday though, but this journey of my writing has been inspired by Jon Acuff's 30 Days of Hustle where he encourages us to pursue a dream-- a goal of ours with dedication. Each day of this journey with Jon and many others across the country has been such a gift and a learning experience. This is what Jon told us on day 22:

"Perfection is not the goal. Never was, never will be. We’re not aiming for a perfect month, we’re aiming for a month more awesome than last month." 

     And come day 27 and day 28, I'm clinging to those words of encouragement and giving myself grace in the process, as I am EXHAUSTED today.

     So exhausted that I feel as though I cannot form sentences when I talk to people.

     Such was the case yesterday as well, while I was wrapping out for the show.

     A few days back, while I was neck deep in celebrity demands and drama,  I dropped the ball with one of my vendors and a majority of their merchandise went missing.

     I did my best to locate it, but to no avail. #wack

     In trying to remedy the situation, my communication skills were about a .1 on a scale of 1 to 10. And the back and forth between this vendor and I was full of miscommunication on my part. It was embarrassing to say the least.

     But here I was, an intelligent person, not able to properly communicate the necessary information and/or solutions. Which then in essence confused and disappointed my vendor.


     I felt like we were in that Abbott and Costello bit of "Who's on First". I promise you, everything that I was saying and relaying to my special vendor, was being misunderstood. So much so, by the end of the night last night, they were so frustrated and I was so delirious that they simply said, "Oh, just forget it!"

     I was left there feeling awful, irresponsible, and with no options to remedy the situation.

     And there has been no communication since...

     Have you been there? Just feeling like you can't fully express or communicate the needed information. Whether it be your heart, your thoughts, or logistics at your work place...?

     We and often other people demand perfection from ourselves. And when that perfection doesn't arrive in a nice package, we often get frustrated, discount ourselves, and become hopeless.

     Nevertheless, in the midst, I want to encourage you and I that we by no means, have to stay stuck in that scenario. Resolve will come. It may come later, it may look differently than you want it to look, but it will come.

     Part of my resolve regarding this situation involves 2 key things:

1. Humility

2. Letting Go

    Humility: I have to be willing to take responsibility for my choice and my mistakes. It's key not to do the "hot potato" blame game. The sooner you can take responsibility for the choices you make, the freer you actually become. It's quite amazing.

     Letting Go: It's so important for me to know that I am not God. I don't make the sun rise and a baby breathe on its own. And with that said, I have to willfully entrust the situation to God. I simply tell Him, "I know I screwed up, I'm sorry. And there's nothing more that I can do. I need and want you to be in the mix and bring Your resolve and redemption to both parties involved. #amen

Wisdom's Knocking:

"And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good."

-- John Steinback

When You Release

   

      I've been sharing with you how I've been fighting off anxiety these past 2 months. Which this anxiety was an unexpected surprise blow for me. And perhaps loads of people that get hit with waves of anxiety off and on in their lives can relate.

     It's so weird. Because I never really experienced any sort of anxiety in my life until I entered adulthood.

     I grew up encouraged and ready to take all kinds of risks and adventures in my life. But around 10 years ago, my bubble was burst. I had my first experience with crippling fear and anxiety. We are talking the type of fear, where you are afraid to leave the house or be around people. And where everything about your life seems like some weird mirage or video game world. I promise you, I thought I was going to have to commit myself to some mental illness facility. True story.

     But the story did not end there.

     The short version ending went something like this:

     Prayer  & Choosing Faith.

     Choosing to believe that good things still can and DO happen.

     Because at first glance, my anxiety 10 years ago  (similar to what I was experiencing in December), would have appeared to have come out of nowhere. But that was not entirely true.

     There were some pretty significant triggers then, and there were also some triggers recently:

     Transition + Disappointment + Fear = Anxiety Cocktail

     Now you may be a 1.5 on the scale of anxiety or you may be a 9.9, but I can almost guarantee that there is an intersection of these emotional and physical stages that have not been resolved in your life and/or  have not been honestly given a chance to be influenced by the Truth of God's love.

     In many cultures, there is a rite of passage. A moment, a victory, that celebrates a child officially embracing the next stage of life.

     It seems as though, in our eclectic American culture, we don't yet have a clear cut rite of passage for our young people as they become recognized as adults.

     I do like this idea of proving oneself. Not just for the sake of the community, but for the sake of the individual transitioning into a new stage of live. Because it is in times of challenge and trial that we are truly exposed and formed.

     It's fascinating to me, that despite our lack of official ceremony in the actual doing of a rite of passage, God still knows how to reach our hearts, challenge us to love more honestly than we've ever done before, and cause us to truly grow in very deliberate ways.

     I'm learning more and more that it's simply our job to cling. To cling ever so close to God, gently releasing all other things and people. But you and I must in many ways, fight to cling to love, because it won't always feel like the most natural thing to do.

     But keep releasing, and then keep clinging.

     Because you will--yes you will, make your way through this wondrous and mysterious rite of passage that has now been set before us.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“There's truths you have to grow into.” 

 -- H.G. Wells, 

Love and Mr. Lewisham

Living the Fruit Life

     It's so funny to me that I teach teenagers or anyone for that matter about God. And I don't mean funny-Haha, I mean, funny like, "Really, God, me?"

     I find myself teaching from those things that have illuminated my heart and deepened my relationship with God over my lifetime. A rich, yet growing secret history with God that began for me around 8 or 9 years old.

     But here's the thing about teaching on an infinite God. The more you know, the more you realize you don't know, OR the stuff you already knew, you forgot and need to relearn that jazz.

     Sometimes it feels like I'm going around the same tree, the same trail, around the same building in my mind and in my actions, relearning the most fundamental and basics of my faith/love relationship with God.

    Which brings me to the "Fruit of the Spirit".

     So a couple months back, we were teaching this series on the "Fruit of the Spirit" (Galatians 5:22-23) to our teens. Of which I've heard with great repetition these attributes almost my entire life, but let's ignore for a moment, and despite the repetition, I could never fully remember these 9 "Fruits" in detail (I have a theory about why...more on that later). Plus I was always mystified in the past by the fact that they are called the "Fruit" of the Spirit (Singular), even though there's 9 of these whopping things. But then I later gained a bit more understanding about the beauty of "One fruit" with a "Manifold Yield" - Yes. This is supernatural indeed.  

     So I wondered if I would be able to remember the 9 attributes while teaching this series...but even more importantly, after teaching this series.

+ Love
+ Joy
+ Peace
+ Patience
+ Kindness
+ Goodness
+ Faithfulness
+ Gentleness
+ Self Control

    And then, after teaching this series, something extraordinary and awful happened to me. I became much more aware of my humanity, my frailty, my need for a Savior through the events that followed.

     Death in the family, sickness, life transition of sorts, pain, anxiety and sadness creeping over me like a soft wool blanket. I thought I was going to suffocate. And I'm honestly surprised I didn't.

    And yet, those sacred and beautiful 9 would somehow come to mind. And as they would, I would receive the gift from God.

     Meditating on God's peace, I then would allow myself to receive it for myself.

     Looking at God's love, I would then nod my head yes to Him that I wanted it.

     Observing and being in the hustle and harshness of L.A. traffic drivers, I would tenderly hear the word gentleness come to mind. And I would begin to drink it in.

    And so on and so forth.


    So remember how I had a 'theory' about not being able to remember these beautiful and wonderful attributes in the past? I think it's because I never took these traits in. Not fully. They were allowed to be long-term guests at my house, but not family, never truly family.

     I'm learning more and more, the depths of these attributes have yet to be truly tapped by us. And I can confidently say that, because we are talking about the "Fruit of the Spirit" here, of His Spirit, the Infinite One. And the depths of His Love, His joy, His peace, etc. are limitless in every way.

     Yes, there is fruitful life waiting for both you and I.

     Contingent upon something vitally important:

     Before you can give these things out and away, you must first receive them for yourself.

     For you can't give away what you don't already have.

    And He knew this all along. And that is why you are being pursued by Him, the Life and Fruit Giver.

     The One who draws you to Himself, to simply love you into fullness.

     That is indeed a fruitful life.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“To have found God and still to pursue Him is the soul’s paradox of love.” 

 ― A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

The Lioness

This is a love letter to my mother, Lucille:


How do you let go and hold tight at the same time,

There's love in the palm of your hand.

Early memories, come up from behind like a shawl and cover my shoulders causing me to stand tall.

Like you.

Standing tall.

Kindness never looked so fierce,

And I never felt stronger crying in your midst.

I'm your treasure, you say to me, but you're, you're--

You're my mother.

And that makes me believe.

In good things. In great things.

It makes me believe I can fly and other impossible things more than 7 times a day.

I am so proud to be your daughter.

And we learn from each other,

Patience, trust, careful inspection of dreams.

And you just won't stop believing.

One can get weary without a mother.

And you've always made sure to give me rest.

You always make it light and easy. You just do.

I appreciate you now, and I'll appreciate you then.

When my babies ask how I know how to hold them the way that I do, I'll tell them the truth.

God gave me a mother, named Lucille,

To look after me, so I would know how to look after you.

And that has made all the difference.

Many differences, changes, roads, and turns.

Yes, love has been a journey for me, and it began in many ways with you.

Strong and tender with resolve unmatched. Peace abounding and love overflowing.

Great grandma was right...

Your's is a life that will be forever on this earth and heavenly realms resounding.

Happy Birthday, My Lioness! 

I love you, Mom.

The Dangers of Prayer

   

     Sometimes I can get snug and comfortable in my Christianese bubble and forget that all things spiritual may not resonate or be well received with every single person I come in contact with. Which is always shocking to me, because, the love, joy, peace and adventure that I get to experience on a daily often takes my breath away, and I have a hard time understanding why someone would be completely shut off to its possibilities.

     Yes, we're all aware of how quickly people might get offended, even with the best of intentions and a solid heart behind our actions.

    And today, I was reminded of the turbulent territory of spirituality and how it can effect our encounters with people.

     I'm convinced that people to react to spirituality in 1 of 4 ways.

1. With Joy - Treating it as if it were an adventure and a fun new relationship to explore.
2. With Confusion - Because, if you can't see it, then it can't be real.
3. With Anger - Because religion has been known to cause horrific wars throughout the world and countless injustices throughout the centuries.
4. With Fear - Like watching a weird horror movie at night, it just gives you the heebee geebies.

     But I'm most fascinated with #4 today.

     It's true that we often fear the unknown or what we have yet to fully understand.

     So I was talking to a friend (#1) today, who told our other friend (#2) that I had been praying for them. Friend #2 has known me for years and knows that I'm a church girl that loves Jesus. And that I pray. And not just to bless my food. But you know, praaaaaaaaay.

     But when Friend #1 told Friend #2 that I was praying for them, their first reaction was, "Oooo, that sounds a little scary." And then proceeded to shudder.

     Which then made me think, what exactly does Friend #2 think I do when I pray for them. Some seance of sorts in the forest in a white robe?

     Wait. Let me pause.

     In case you're reading this, and you've never prayed or had someone pray for you, let me just say this. Prayer at its most basic, is talking to God, sharing our hearts, our hopes, our areas of need. It involves speaking and listening. It may seem super, super awkward at first, but the more you exercise that spiritual muscle, the more and more natural it becomes.

      Okay, so back to Friend #2. I was surprised at their reaction. But not shocked. What Friend #2 was beginning to experience, is what I like to call "The Tug". When God is so tenderly, so sovereignly, calling out to you  and calling you higher. Calling you to look beyond the things you can see, beyond the temporal, to something greater. Because deep in your heart, you know that this isn't all there is.

     It's almost shocking, a bit disorienting, and often offensive to your brain. Because all you've ever known is being challenged -- it's all being rocked.

     I, myself have seen some crazy beautiful things happen as a result of prayer. And if I told you half of my stories, you'd probably never believe me.

     And that's okay.

     But just as a heads up, the truth is often shocking, and almost always stranger than fiction.

     I know now more than ever that prayer is truly dangerous. It can heal the sick. It can comfort the broken hearted. It can release peace. And it can bring someone into a deep relationship with God. I am still in awe at how faithful He is to reveal Himself to us, in so many different ways through prayer. Just ask Him, you'll be surprised in the ways in which He answers.

Wisdom's Knocking:

“Let us never forget to pray. God lives. He is near. He is real. He is not only aware of us but cares for us. He is our Father. He is accessible to all who will seek Him.” 

 ― Gordon B. Hinckley